


Plain English

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amish!Castiel, Angst, Delinquent!Dean, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Family Loss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hot Chocolate, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Mutual Pining, Orphan Castiel, Orphan Dean, Orphan Sam, Past Child Abuse, Religious Conflict, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Tension, Sexuality, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Virgin Castiel, implied naked butts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:10:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 87,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4867781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teen orphan Dean Winchester has been to juvenile detention one too many times. He's not sure what's going to happen to him, but he doesn't expect it's anything good. Then he gets Judge Rufus Turner, who has different ideas about how things should be done and his whole life changes in an instant. Again.</p><p>Amish teen Castiel is about to start his rumspringa and he isn't happy about it. He hates making decisions and enjoys the structure that living in his tiny community gives him. He wants nothing more than to stay there forever. Then he meets Dean and his whole world is turned upside down.</p><p>Can these two boys from such different backgrounds possibly make their way in the world together? Or will Castiel's faith tear them apart before they even get started?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boy meets boy

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is the super long fic I promised you was coming. It's angsty. And different. And all about the Amish, from what I could learn in my research and things I've picked up over the years living near an Amish community. I do not claim to get nearly all of it right, some of it I couldn't find out and just made up, so if you ever go live with the Amish, don't expect it to be like this xD
> 
> I intend to update every week, but you know me. It might be more often, it might be less. This NOT a WIP. It's complete. 90k words of complete. So strap in because this is gonna be a long, bumpy ride. I will add more tags as it gets going. Not sure the chapter# is accurate, but I want it to be clear it's not a WIP.
> 
> Special thanks to Mahbbys, Songflightgirl, and Yamira. Mahbbys & Songflightgirl for general encouragement and mild beta help, and Yamira for yelling "AMIISSSHH!!" at me for months until I finally got this finished. And special thanks to Whataboutthefish for reading it and telling me "POST IT" (and then reminding me "POST IT") :) ♥
> 
> I've beta'd this first chapter as best I could, but please let me know if there are any typos I missed. Bless.

Dean knew the judge wasn’t going to go easy on him this time. He’d been in juvie too many times now. It had started because he was trying to protect Sam. To keep him fed and clothed when there was no one with income to do that. But then Sam got himself adopted. And Dean kept right on doing it because it was easier than thinking about how much life without Sammy sucked.

He should have taken the damn job with Bobby when he’d offered, but doing things the easy way wasn’t in Dean’s nature. He was an idiot, and this time it might cost him more than a few months in detention. For the first time, Dean truly regretted the actions that had brought him in front of a judge. He never did when it was for Sam because it was for Sam. When it stopped being for Sam, he didn’t regret most of what he did afterward because it had felt like his only option.

But he’d _had_ an option this go around. Bobby had given him a new choice and Dean hadn’t taken it. He wondered if Bobby would ever speak to him again, after he’d been locked up. Hell, with his record, the judge could choose to try him as an adult and send him to _real_ jail. That wasn’t likely. It was usually reserved for murderers and shit, but he knew it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility—and he was scared.

It didn’t help that the judge was late. Dean was used to court delays, but that was usually from hearings getting overbooked. This time, he was first up, but the judge still hadn’t shown up, thirty minutes after the hearing was set to start. The attorneys—even the bailiff—were checking their watches now. It was another seventeen minutes before the bailiff instructed them to rise.

He didn’t recognize the judge’s name when it was called, nor was the face familiar. He thought he’d met all the juvie judges, but he didn’t know this one. He was a glowering black man with heavy eyebrows and gray in his beard. He knew right away that the Honorable Judge Rufus Turner was not inclined to be lenient, no matter how contrite Dean stood there looking. The fact that it was true contrition only mattered to Dean, he supposed.

The judge listened to the facts of the case—how he’d broken into a house, stolen a wad of cash and their car and then wrecked said car because he’d been driving too fast around a curve. The judge stared straight at Dean throughout the proceedings. His eyes never wavered, no matter who he was talking to or who else was speaking. He just kept looking at Dean as though he might figure him out if he looked hard enough.

Finally, the lawyers were done talking and it was time for the judge to speak. He continued staring at Dean for another thirty seconds before he glanced down at his desk and lifted the file he’d brought in with him. He held it up, remaking eye contact again.

“Mr. Winchester, I have read your rather extensive file. That is, in fact, the reason for my tardiness to court this morning.” He set the file back down. “I’ve read not only the court transcripts but also the statements you gave to the police during your various arrests, beginning with the very first one.” The judge leaned forward slightly, clasping his hands together. “I’m going to hazard a guess that no other judge has bothered to do so, Dean.”

The judge was silent for a moment, as if waiting for Dean to respond, so Dean just shrugged, helplessly and shook his head. This was all new territory. Rufus Turner was a wild card and Dean wasn’t sure yet if he was the good kind or the kind that made you take extra cards and lose your turn. The shrug seemed to satisfy the judge and he nodded.

“Well, that reading, Mr. Winchester, has given me some insight into your character.” Turner scratched his nose. “I believe that you are, at heart, a misguided soul. I think you were a boy who started out good, and made some bad choices out of necessity.” Turner’s eyebrows lowered ominously then, before Dean could even start to hope for surprise leniency.

“However, Dean, I believe that you now stand on the brink of a precipice. I think you’ve veered so far from the right path that one more wrong step and you will be hopelessly lost.” He thumped the file, hard, with his finger. “Would you agree with that assessment, Mr. Winchester?”

His voice cracked, but he managed to say, “I don’t know, Your Honor,” Dean said. He hesitated, then added, “Except for the part where I started out good, I guess.”

“Do you believe you can change your ways, Dean? Do you have it in you to _want_ to change your ways?” The judge’s face was no longer as harsh, but it wasn’t a face of mercy, either.

Dean bit his lip, then answered honestly. “I do want to, Judge. I don’t know if I can, though.”

The judge nodded once and sat back, making a noise in the back of his throat, which might have been agreement or condemnation or allergies, Dean couldn’t tell. “Well, Dean, here is what I am going to do for you today. It is a one time only offer and if you refuse it, it will not be repeated.” He glared at Dean again. “Likewise, if you accept it but squander it, it will be taken from you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Dean wasn’t sure what the judge was offering yet, but it sounded like something better than juvie and Dean was onboard and ready to ride off to redemption and reformation and all those other pie in the sky things he hadn’t dared dream about.

“I have a friend in the Amish community, Mr. Winchester. He has agreed to take in a few strays for me over the years. You are not the only one who has ever received this offer, but you are among a select few.” The judge waited for Dean’s acknowledgement in the form of another nod before continuing.

“You, escorted by police officers, will report to the Amish community in Shrutegarten, KS this afternoon. You will be met by Mr. Jacob Davidson, a close personal friend of mine. He will provide you with food, clothing and shelter. In exchange, you will agree to abide by the rules and regulations of his community for the next three months.”

The prosecuting attorney attempted to object, but the judge quickly shut him down. He took a long sip of water before he spoke again. “You will learn carpentry and farming skills and other useful trades and you will assist the community in whatever ways they may need you.” He steepled his fingers. “If, at the end of the three months, Jacob tells me that you have successfully worked in his community, then I will consider your time served.”

“Thank you, your honor,” Dean said and he meant it.

“If,” the judge continued, scowling again, “you choose not to accept this offer—which does not appear to be the case—or you cannot follow the rules laid out for you by Mr. Davidson then you will be remanded into custody and thrown back into juvenile detention for six months.” He sat back. “Are we clear on that, Dean?”

“Yes, judge. Thank you. I accept. I won’t—” He faltered, voice failing him. “I won’t let you down.”

For a fraction of a second, the judge’s eyes softened before his fierce mask was firmly back in place. “See that you don’t, Mr. Winchester. You will have monthly performance reviews here in my courtroom with Mr. Davidson. I will see you again in thirty days time.” He banged his gavel and motioned for the officers to come get Dean.

Dean was in a haze all the way to the police car. He was taken back to juvie to get his stuff—not that there was much to get—and then they were driving. The officers didn’t speak, aside from questions about his restroom and food needs. The Amish village was two hours from the juvenile hall where he’d been staying up until the hearing and the ride was dull, but Dean didn’t mind.

~@~

Castiel had milking to do and then he was scheduled to read to Mrs. McGillicuddy for an hour before he made repairs to the Miller’s barn. His day was filled with chores and he liked it that way. Unlike the other kids his age, he was not looking forward to the part of rumspringa where he would be out living like the English.

Technically, he could be out doing so right now—most of his peers had or would begin on their sixteenth birthdays—but he’d chosen to wait until six months later. That way, he only had six months worth of time to figure out what to do with himself when chores had not been assigned and he had to make his own decisions about things. He liked being told what to do, not having to make choices. Life was so much simpler that way.

Other men, when they reached maturity, would take over making decisions, but Castiel would not be a leader of any kind. He would do what he was supposed to do and nothing more. He would continue to let others decide what he did with his days. When left to his own devices, he rarely knew what to do. He wasn’t interested in taking a wife, like the others his age. So he didn’t spend his time pining for one of the girls in the village or thinking the thoughts that got the other boys into trouble if they acted upon them.

The single life was not encouraged in his clan, but neither was it forbidden. He had expressed to his guardians—his parents having died long ago in a flood—his lack of desire for marriage and they had been supportive. Mam and Pap Shurley had told him not to worry. They’d said he might yet change his mind, but even if he didn’t, he need not take a wife if wife he did not want. He’d been so grateful.

He checked the sun as he hammered another nail into the side of the Miller’s barn. Soon, he was meant to meet with Jacob Davidson. He had been tasked with helping him guide the new English boy through daily chores for the next week, until it was time for Castiel to start his time of self-reliance. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the new task, but he would do as he was asked. He would be released to do what he wanted soon enough—and he knew how he felt about _that_.

Before he was ready, he was done with the barn and headed for Mr. Davidson’s wagon. Jacob Davidson was waiting for him there. They were meeting the Englisher at the far gate, by the road, rather than in the village itself. Castiel didn’t know what to expect. He’d met one or two of the English teens who had come here before, but neither of them had the same history of misbehavior as this one did.

On the ride to the road, Mr. Davidson told Castiel everything that he was to show Dean how to do. He had told Castiel once already, but they both wanted to be sure that nothing was missed.

“It is important that he follows our rules, Castiel. He must wear our clothes and do our chores and do them well. We will discourage his bad language, but if he slips, he will not be punished. The Englishers are not as mindful of such things and Judge Turner is not very concerned with that sort of teaching. Likewise, he must attend church with us for the first week so we can keep an eye on him, but after that he is free to choose not to attend. He is not required to partake in prayer services.”

“Should I engage him in conversation or not? When that other boy was here, I was not allowed to speak with him outside necessities.” Castiel didn’t mind, either way, since he wasn’t much for talking, but if the boy was talkative, it would be awkward not to answer questions, at least.

“You may speak with him. I chose you for this task for a reason, Castiel. You are the most devout teenager we have here. You will be a good influence on him.”

Jacob slowed the horses as they neared the gate. Castiel got out to open it, without being asked. When he returned, Jacob continued speaking. “Judge Turner tells me this boy started on the wrong path for noble reasons. He truly believes what this Dean Winchester needs more than reformation is a second chance.” Davidson glanced at Castiel then went back to watching the road. “I suspect he could use a friend. As could you, Castiel.”

Castiel frowned. There was no point in arguing about how poor he was at making friends. It was widely known. Instead, he asked, “Do you think it wise of me to make a friend I may never see again once he returns to the English world?”

Jacob Davidson shocked Castiel by giving him a rare smile. “I have known Judge Turner for over twenty-five years, Castiel. I made friends with him when he came to stay with us for a time. I have not regretted our friendship once.” His face grew solemn once more. “Besides, Castiel, many things can happen during rumspringa.”

He glanced at Castiel once more, this time searching his face before turning toward the road again. “While you are the most devout at this moment, something may occur that changes your decision to stay with us. Or, it is possible that Dean may decide to embrace our ways and stay. The future is not as set as you might think.”

Castiel continued to frown. He didn’t like the sound of Jacob Davidson’s words. He wanted the future he had always envisioned. Why would he want anything else? He was no longer sure he wanted this Dean here. Castiel shook off those feelings. They were bringing Dean here because he needed them. Castiel would meet that need, as it served the Lord best. He would not be selfish.

Only a few minutes in the future, when bright green eyes were suddenly staring him down, Castiel would come to realize Jacob Davidson was a wise man. Sometimes life could change in an instant, bringing something totally unexpected into an otherwise content life. Castiel was not ready for that surprise change and he knew it.

When they were introduced, he dutifully stepped forward and reached out to shake Dean Winchester’s hand. Dean clasped it firmly in his own, never breaking eye contact. His skin was warm and rough in Castiel’s own. Castiel shook once and let it go, not liking the strange tingling sensation. It was like the air before a storm and it frightened him.

The eye contact and Castiel’s unease were put aside when the officers got back into their car and Jacob Davidson spoke.

“Dean, Castiel will be your guide over the next week, to get you settled in. He will be staying in the dorm with you,” he told them as they boarded the wagon, causing Castiel’s eyes to fly to Jacob in shock. He had not informed Castiel of this earlier. Acknowledging this, Jacob told Castiel, “Your guardians are aware of the arrangement. It is where you will stay for the first half of your time away, anyway, is it not?”

Castiel nodded. He had thought he had another week of his own bed. He was not happy to learn otherwise. “When am I to pack my things?”

“The Shurley’s have already brought everything they know you need. If there is something else you wish to have with you, you may go back and retrieve it at any time.” Jacob Davidson laid an unexpected hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “You are not being exiled, Castiel. This is not a punishment.”

He looked into Castiel’s eyes and Castiel nodded, even though he wanted to cry. It _felt_ like a punishment. “I simply expected more time in my own room and I am surprised, that is all.”

“Hey, for what it’s worth, I’m real freakin’ glad I’m not gonna be alone tonight,” Dean broke in. He rubbed a self-conscious hand against the back of his neck. “I don’t do so good on my own in strange places.”

Castiel instantly felt contrite. Had he not already decided not to be selfish? This young man was in need of their help. He smiled at Dean, shyly but with all the warmth he could summon. “Of course, Dean. I am happy to help. That is what our way of life is about. Helping others.”

Dean looked skeptical. “Yeah? Where I come from people pretty much just look out for themselves and screw everybody else.” Dean flinched and said, “Sorry. I cuss a lot.”

“While we do not approve such language, you will not be punished for it, Dean. We will appreciate your continued attempts to censor your words while you are with us.” Castiel thought he saw the corners of Jacob’s mouth twitch, but he wasn’t certain. “Castiel is correct, however. Our way of life is about serving God and helping each other. We cannot make you do the former, but you will be expected to learn the latter.”

“Don’t know much about God, aside from the fact that I don’t see him around much,” Dean said with a smirk. “But I don’t mind helping people. I used to be good at it, once upon a time.”

Jacob nodded as he pulled the wagon to a stop. “I heard as much from Rufus Turner.” He got out of the wagon and waited for them to follow suit.

“Dean, I have been instructed to confiscate your cell phone. If you need to make a phone call while you are here, Castiel can show you where the phone is. I will allow you to write down your contacts, if necessary. We understand that this week will be difficult, so we do not begrudge you your time speaking with friends and family. However, after this week, please use the phone sparingly, as we do not make a lot of English money with which to pay high phone bills.”

“Yeah, sure thing. Um, let me write down a couple numbers. If I need the others, I can just come see you, right?” Dean asked. Castiel was pleased that he hadn’t argued about the phone. The last boy had put up quite a fight over his device.

“Of course, Dean.” They waited while Dean pulled a small notepad and pen out of his pack and copied down the information. Then Jacob took the phone and said, “I will leave you boys now. I will see you both again at supper.”

Castiel nodded and Dean said, “See ya, Mr. Davidson.” Then he turned those green eyes back on Castiel. “So, what is it I’m going to be doing here?”

Castiel started walking toward the dormitory and motioned Dean to follow him. “You will be working with us and learning our customs. You will be given more appropriate clothes to wear and you will be assigned a list of chores and tasks to complete every day.”

“Okay. Like what kind of chores? Cleaning and stuff?” Dean asked, trying to keep up with Castiel’s quick pace.

Castiel slowed slightly, to allow Dean to stay with him with less effort. “There will be some cleaning, yes. Mostly it will be things like milking, carpentry, helping the elderly and the infirm and perhaps, if you have an affinity, helping to make crafts or food stuffs for us to sell.”

“Cool. I can do all that. It kinda sucks that the one thing I’m good at is cars and you guys don’t really have those,” Dean said with a laugh.

Castiel stopped and looked back at him. “I am sure that is not the only thing you are good at. We will find something else for you, don’t worry.” He started walking again. “We have other machines, though they are mostly powered by us, our animals or water, instead of fuel or electricity. Perhaps you may be of some assistance with those.”

“What time is dinner?”

“You are hungry?” Castiel asked, surprised. He was told that Dean would be fed before he arrived.

Dean laughed. “I’m always hungry. But I was too nervous to eat much on the way here, so yeah, a little more hungry than usual, I guess.”

Castiel stopped and headed for the kitchens. “Then let us get you something to eat before we begin.” He stopped again. “I suppose we should put your things away first.” Dean’s stomach made a loud growl and Castiel was frozen with indecision.

Dean looked at him in concern, seeming to sense his discomfort. “Well, hey, um, you guys are all good and stuff, right? Like ‘help thy fellow man’ and all that?”

“Yes,” Castiel said slowly, unsure of what Dean was getting at.

“Then I could just leave my stuff here and we can pick it up after I eat?” he asked, gesturing to the ground.

Castiel smiled sheepishly, relieved. “Yes, of course, Dean. That seems the best solution.” They started walking again.

Dean grinned at him and Castiel felt himself being warmed by it. “I’m guessing making decisions isn’t really your strong suit, huh? Don’t worry. I can help you out with that, Cas, buddy.” His charge winked at him and Castiel felt himself flushing, unaccustomed to such mannerisms.

Uncomfortable with the feelings the wink gave him, Castiel snapped, “I don’t think making good decisions is what brought you here.” He glanced back and Dean looked stricken. Castiel immediately felt terrible. He stopped walking and said, “Forgive me, Dean. I did not mean that. You will not be judged while you are here. I am out of sorts today and should not have taken my bad mood out on you.”

Dean shrugged it off. “Sure, man.” After a moment, he stared at his feet and said quietly. “You’re right, though. I haven’t made a lot of good choices. I’m hoping coming here was one of them.”

Castiel assured him, “It was, Dean. I hope I haven’t made you feel otherwise.” He looked toward the barn in the distance. “I am not awkward with you because you are English or because I judge you for the events that led you here. I am not very good with people of any kind.”

Dean grinned again and clapped Castiel on the shoulder, startling him. “We’re good, Cas, I promise. This place is already better than juvie. Do I smell pie?”

Castiel smiled at Dean, bemused. “Yes, there is usually pie with supper. However, for now a sandwich is likely the best we will be able to do.”

Dean kept smiling, undisturbed. “The promise of pie later is good enough, Cas. A sandwich will be just fine. Thanks, dude.”

In the kitchens, Castiel made Dean wait outside, while he went inside to speak with Gerda, the woman usually in charge of the kitchens. He explained the situation and she gladly gave him a heaping sandwich. Castiel hesitated, but asked if it was possible for Dean to have a slice of leftover pie as well.

“He seems to have a strong liking for it,” Castiel explained.

She smiled indulgently and opened an ice box, passing him a pie tin with one extra large helping left in it. “There you are, Castiel. I hope your new friend enjoys it.”

“Thank you,” Castiel told her sincerely. He hoped the pie would make up for his cruel words. He wanted Dean to like him. Jacob Davidson had been right. He could use a friend.

Dean was looking around when he came back out, taking in his new surroundings. “Here you are, Dean. It’s a roast beef sandwich and I convinced her to give you a slice of pie as well.”

Dean’s whole face lit up, either at Castiel’s words or the sight of the pie plate. “Dude! You’re the best! Thanks, that is awesome!”

Castiel failed to see how pie inspired awe, but he did not question it. He felt warmed by Dean’s response and he sat happily next to the other boy while he devoured the food Castiel had brought him.

“Damn, dude, that was _good_.” Dean looked upset again. “Shit, I cussed again. I mean….” Dean groaned. “Man, this not cussing thing is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.”

Castiel couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. If Dean knew what a rare occurrence it was, he would be shocked. Since he did not, he just grinned, looking pleased. Apparently, he suspected it didn’t happen often, anyway.

“Since you don’t smile much, I'm guessing you don’t laugh much, either, so I am feeling pretty darn good right now, Castiel. Pretty darn good.” He grinned as he stood up. “Now, let’s go get me into some new threads, huh?”

Castiel stood, too, taking the dishes back inside before they walked back to Dean’s things. “What is Led Zeppelin?” he asked, looking at Dean’s shirt.

Dean looked at him as though he had just confessed to killing someone. “You guys... aw, man. No cars, okay. No cussing, sure. But no Zeppelin? That is a crying shame, Cas.” He shook his head, and Castiel did not think he was joking. “Led Zeppelin is the greatest rock band that ever lived. That’s what Led Zeppelin is.”

“Perhaps I will listen to some of their music when I go into the world next week.”

They were walking side by side now and Dean looked at him, confused. “What do you mean, into the world? Aren’t you, like, my keeper or whatever?”

“Only for this week. After that, I will be staying in the dorm, but I will not be looking after you anymore. I will not be doing chores for that time, unless I choose to do so. I will be free to leave the village whenever I wish, even calling for a cab, if that is my desire.” Castiel hoped his fear didn’t show in his face or voice.

“Oh,” was all Dean said, followed quickly by, “Why?”

“It is Amish custom during rumspringa for teens to set aside the Amish ways for a short time before they choose whether to commit themselves to this way of life.” He flicked a look at Dean before he took the first of the steps up to the dormitory. “Not all villages encourage it, but this one does. Some do not leave their community at all, but we are required to do so, for at least a short time.”

Dean pushed out his lips, seemingly in contemplation. He looked around at the small common room before nodding and saying, “I think that’s pretty good custom. So, we’re sort of trading places, huh?”

Castiel smiled at that idea. “I suppose in a way we are.”

“Well,” Dean said smiling, “I’m glad I’m gonna be here to teach you, then! I don’t think you are ready for entering the... what do you call it? English world? All by yourself. Don’t worry, though. I can prepare you.” He grinned and winked again. “You teach me to be Amish and I’ll teach you to be English. Sound like a good deal?”

“It does, yes,” Castiel agreed, pleased. His greatest fear had been going out into the world unprepared. Now he would have a guide.

“Then it’s settled! So, hey, where do I put my stuff?” he asked, looking around.

“This way,” Castiel said, walking toward the hallway. “There are many rooms, but they are all essentially the same. This one,” he said, gesturing into the first one on the left, “is likely to have light the longest at the end of the day.”

“There’s two beds. You gonna bunk with me?” Dean asked. Castiel thought the question was not as casual as Dean wanted it to appear, but he couldn’t be certain.

“If that is what you wish, I will. If not, I will find another room.”

Dean relaxed, visibly relieved. “Well, it would make it easier for me to teach you stuff, right?”

Castiel was confused by Dean’s obvious reluctance to sleep in a room alone. Then, remembering what Jacob Davidson had told him of Dean’s family history, he thought he understood. He hesitantly clasped Dean on the shoulder. “It is hard to lose one’s family. I lost my parents when I was young, too, and my brother... he chose not to stay here after his time in the world.”

Dean looked at Castiel gratefully, then his smile was back in place. “Yeah, it sucks, huh?” He cleared his throat. “You said there were new clothes for me?”

“Oh, yes. Bring one of your shirts and a pair of pants and come with me.”

Castiel led Dean to the large cabinets in the front of the building. He chose a stack of shirts at random and held up Dean’s shirt to compare the size. From there he was easily able to choose one that was nearly a perfect fit. He did the same with the pants. He pointed Dean to the cabinet that held underwear and socks.

When he had all his clothes, Dean asked, “Do you guys have indoor plumbing?”

Castiel looked shocked, then smiled. “Yes, Dean. Some communities do not, but our village does, as do many others. The bathroom is at the end of the hall.”

Dean looked embarrassed, but he walked down the hall without saying anything. Castiel remembered that he might want to use the phone and decided to ask when Dean got back. He was unnerved by Dean’s presence and he wasn’t entirely sure why. He was unused to the feelings some of Dean’s actions—and physical proximity and contact with Dean—were evoking.

He was broken out of his reverie when Dean came out of the bathroom. The white shirt and dark pants were very different from the clothes Dean had been wearing. Dean looked strange in them and yet Castiel thought he liked the way Dean looked wearing the clothes of his people. He shook off the thoughts and smiled tentatively at Dean.

“Would you like to use the phone before we get started on chores?” he asked.

“Um, actually, I think Sammy—that’s my brother—I think he’ll still at the library right now, so, uh... Can I call later?” Dean seemed shy about asking for phone privileges.

“Of course, Dean. Whenever you wish.” Castiel looked at him, eyes narrowed. “Were you not allowed to use the phone in this ‘juvie’ you spoke of?”

Dean laughed, though Castiel wasn’t sure why. “That’s short for juvenile detention hall.” The smile faded off his face. “We were only allowed the phone at certain times of day, just for a few minutes at a time.”

Castiel nodded. “You are not a prisoner here, Dean. As long as you do as we ask, with chores and behavior, you may use the phone whenever you wish. Within reason, of course.”

“Do I have to go to church and all that?”

“Jacob said you would have to come to church this Sunday, but after that, you are not required to do so.” He scratched a random itch on his thigh. “You may go to sleep when you choose, as long as you get up early enough to do your chores.” Castiel hesitated only a split second before he added “And do not cause trouble.”

Dean nodded. “I can do that. This is a second chance for me. I’m not gonna blow it.” He was quiet for a second, then asked, “How do I get up though, if I don’t have an alarm clock?”

Castiel smiled. “If I don’t wake you, it is likely the cock will.” He motioned toward the front of the house as he started walking that way. “Come. We should start on your training now. Supper will be in a few hours.” He heard a noise from Dean that sounded like laughter and turned around. “What is it? What’s funny?”

Dean shook his head and waved a hand. “Nothing, Cas. You just said….” Dean reddened and dropped his eyes. “Um, something I saw in a movie once. It doesn’t matter. Lead on.”

Castiel most definitely did not get the joke, but he thought it was best if he didn’t push for an answer. He suspected he might not like any answer he got. He had seen exactly two movies in his life and he was certain Dean had seen neither of them. Of the number of movies Dean had undoubtedly seen, Castiel was sure he would enjoy very few.

A few minutes later, they were in the Shurley’s barn. Their family did not use a milking machine because they only had three to five cows at any given time. Other families, who had dairy farms, had machines to do the milking and they ran them on water or sunlight. Castiel did not understand exactly how those worked, but he thought Dean might.

“These are the Shurley’s cows. Mam and Pap Shurley—you will call them Mr. and Mrs. Shurley—have been my guardians since my parents died. The milking is probably the most important chore you will do all day. Mam makes the best cheese you will ever taste, so getting her the most milk, on time, is important.”

Castiel was proud of Mam and her cheeses and he suspected it was evident in his voice. They didn’t run a dairy farm, but she made the cheese for their family and a few for Castiel to sell on market days. She also worked in the cheese-making part of the Miller’s dairy farm.

Dean had a soft smile on his face. “My mom made the best pecan pie I’ve ever eaten. Don’t worry, Cas. I’ll get your, uh, guardian?” Castiel nodded. “I’ll get her the milk on time.”

“Thank you. Now, you will milk early in the morning and again before or after supper. As long as it’s twice a day and everything gets done, the order is not terribly important, though I prefer to do things at the same time every day.” He grabbed the stool and sat down next to the first cow with a bucket in hand.

“All right, watch me carefully, Dean.”

He showed Dean how to milk the cow. He got all the milk from the first one and then showed Dean how to dump the bucket into the rolling barrel they would take to his home. He had Dean try his hand with the second cow. Dean was surprisingly good at it. It took him a little longer than it took Castiel, but Castiel doubted he would still be as slow by the end of the week.

Dean dumped the bucket and Castiel pointed him to another cow while Castiel grabbed another bucket and stool. He worked the fourth cow while Dean was milking the third and soon the fifth was done. Without being asked, Dean lifted the rolling bucket, which functioned like a wheelbarrow, and rolled it toward the door.

“Where are we taking it?” he asked when they were outside.

“There,” Castiel told him, pointing to the house where he normally lived.

He was less sad than he had been about not sleeping there tonight, he realized. He was actually somewhat excited to be sharing the dormitory room with Dean. It occurred to him for the first time in a long time that he was actually lonely and having Dean around was already relieving that feeling.

Castiel knocked on the back door to alert Mam to his presence. She might be ready for the milk to be poured into a vat already, in which case they would wheel the barrel over to the cheese shed. She smiled when she opened the door and made sure to smile at Dean also.

“Who is this, then, Castiel?” she asked, stepping down from the kitchen.

“Mam, this is Dean Winchester, the Englisher who’ll be taking over my chores while I’m away. Dean, this is Mrs. Shurley, my guardian.”

“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am,” Dean said, smiling and offering his hand. When she put her hand in his, he drew it up to his lips and kissed it.

Castiel was shocked, but Mam just drew her other hand to her mouth and giggled before withdrawing the hand from Dean’s grasp. “Well, Dean, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. While I appreciate your chivalrous gesture, there are others around here who might not take so kindly to such affections,” she said it with a warm smile, to let him know it was not an admonishment.

“Sorry, ma’am,” Dean said, but his eyes were twinkling. “I meant no offense.”

Castiel watched the exchange in a kind of awe. Mam smiled back and assured Dean, “There was none taken, young man. Oh,” she said, looking over Dean’s shoulder. “And here is my husband now. Charles, come meet Dean Winchester!” she called.

“Hello, Dean!” Pap said, taking Dean’s hand and shaking it heartily. “You’re the Englisher that Castiel is helping, right? It’s good to meet you.” Castiel was pleased by his guardians’ reactions to Dean, even if he was a bit bemused by Mam’s. “Just follow Castiel’s instructions and you’ll do fine.”

“Thanks, Mr. Shurley. It’s nice to meet you, too.” Dean turned back to Mam then and asked, “Ma’am? Where did you want this milk?”

She directed them back to the cheese shed, as Castiel had suspected. She directed the transfer of the milk from the barrel to the vat and then it was time for them to move on to the next chore. She surprised Castiel with a quick hug, which was duplicated by Pap.

“You take care of yourself, Castiel. Check in with us every few days once Dean takes over the milking by himself, all right?” Mam told him.

“Of course, Mam.”

He walked back to where Dean was waiting by the door. Dean lifted his hand in a wave and then they were walking away, toward the next task. Castiel showed Dean the board where all the carpentry tasks were posted. They were split between Castiel and two others, one of whom was female and the other of whom was an adult. Each task had a person’s name beside it.

“Once I have shown you how to do the repairs and ascertained that you are indeed capable of the woodwork you are needed to do, Nicolas will start putting your name on the posts instead of mine.”

Castiel noted that there was only one small job to do, so he grabbed two hammers and a supply of nails and lead Dean to the shed where the wood was kept. Castiel showed him how to make the simple box and then where to deliver it. By then, it was time to get washed up for supper.

“We normally bathe about once a week, but you may take a bath as often as you’d like,” he told Dean as they made their way back to the dormitories.

“I think I’d like one tonight after we eat, anyway,” Dean admitted. “I wanna wash the rest of the juvie off me.”

The sink was wide enough that they could stand together to wash their hands. Castiel ignored the strange sensations that he got when their shoulders brushed each other. He concentrated on lathering his hands and upper arms with the homemade soap. When they were all clean and dry again, he asked Dean if he wanted to change his shirt before supper.

“Show me where my size is again?” Dean replied. Castiel showed him, explaining that Dean was responsible for washing his own laundry.

“There is a clothes line out—” Castiel stopped mid sentence as Dean shocked him yet again by stripping off his shirt right in front of him. “Uh, outside the dorm on the side. Excuse me,” he said, walking briskly back toward the bathroom. He hoped Dean would just think he had to use the facilities.

It wasn’t that strange for men to take off their shirts in front of other men, Castiel knew that. He often passed farm hands who were stripped to the waist. However, he’d grown up in two very modest households where they never saw one another unclothed to any degree. Besides which, the reactions he had to Dean were not like the ones he had to anyone else. It was Dean’s naked torso specifically that was the true problem.

He sighed and bowed his head. “Lord,” he prayed quietly, “Help me figure out these new feelings and sort out what they mean for my life. Take care of Dean while he’s here and help him with the tasks we set before him. Help me be a good teacher to him and perhaps a good friend? Amen.”

A loud knock at the door startled him. “Cas? Do we have time to go to the phone before supper or do we need to wait?”

Castiel came out of the bathroom and checked the clock on the wall. “We have a little time. It depends on how long you think you will talk. We have about twenty minutes until the supper bell. As long as we show up within ten minutes of that, we should be fine.”

“Ok. I’d like to call now, then. I probably won’t talk too long, anyway.” Dean looked sad, but Castiel did not say anything about it. If the other boy wanted to speak of it, he would.

“All right. I will lead you there and then give you some privacy,” Castiel told him, walking toward the front door.

He took him to the post where they kept the phone and then walked over to sit on a bench and wait.


	2. "Minnoniteville" - Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's first day in Amish country has a few small hiccups, but he gets to talk to Sam and have pie three times, so he doesn't mind much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't make it the full week. I'd actually have posted sooner if I could've gotten my editing done sooner. I've been pleasantly surprised by all the positive feedback I'm getting from new people. And happy just to hear from my familiar folks :) Love you cuties ♥ Oops, time to add everyone's favorite tag to the top...

Dean felt his heart start to pound as the patrol car started to slow down to pull into the drive. He could see a wagon parked there and two people—in the clothes he associated with the few Amish he’d seen—sitting in the front of it. _This was really happening_. He was a little scared. He hated juvie, but at least he knew it. It was familiar. This place was strange in so many ways.

He took a deep breath—and then had it punched out of him by electric blue eyes, in a place where there wasn’t supposed to be any electricity. Dean couldn’t seem to look away from them. He was riveted to that gaze. He barely heard the words exchanged by the other man and the officers, barely heard the introduction that caused the blue eyed guy to shake his hand.

Then they were in the wagon and rolling toward his future. He found out that Castiel was going to be bunked in the same dorm as him. The guy sounded none too happy about it, but Dean was freaking thrilled. The last thing he wanted was to be alone at night in a strange place. He might have a panic attack and that was the last thing he needed. This little adventure had to go well.

Davidson seemed nice enough, but apparently Dean wasn’t going to be spending a lot of time with him. That was okay with Dean. He liked Castiel better. That feeling only got stronger as the day progressed. There was a little hiccup after he winked at Cas the first time, but Cas made it up to him when he brought him _pie_. If that didn’t make someone a friend, Dean didn’t know what could.

He’d never had shoo-fly pie before, but he’d heard about it and it lived up to its reputation. Apparently the apple variety was for supper tonight and Dean couldn’t wait for that. He just might like this place after all. When he got Cas to laugh, though, that was a real treat. He had a feeling the guy wasn’t all that happy most of the time, and he wanted to change that. The guy had a great smile and an even better laugh.

Dean sort of knew it, but it was nice to hear that he wasn’t a prisoner. This wasn’t going to be easy—he knew there was a lot of hard work involved and he had to give up things he liked, like beer and driving and trying to get laid—but he was technically _free_. This wasn’t like juvie, at all. And that was good enough for him.

So far, Dean was doing okay with the chores. Milking was all right and he could get the hang of carpentry. He wasn’t sure what else he was going to have to do, but he knew he was going to do his best to get it all done. He liked this place so far. At juvie people had always looked at him like a criminal and treated him like dirt, until he had started to believe it. Here people treated him like he was a person. Maybe he’d start believe that instead.

Cas’ parents were no different. He couldn’t help flirting with Cas’...not-mom? Female guardian, he supposed. It was just a thing he did automatically. He was glad she’d warned him not to do it with anyone else, though. He could tell she’d liked it, at least. His not-dad seemed nice enough too.

He wasn’t imagining that Cas had run off after he saw him with no shirt, but he couldn’t be sure if the guy just had to go or if he’d really been checking out Dean’s chest like it had seemed. Dean was not entirely unfamiliar with being attracted to dudes—or to having dudes be attracted to him—but it wasn’t exactly a common occurrence, either.

He knew getting mixed up with an Amish guy—for whom being with another guy was probably all kinds of wrong—was a bad idea, all around, for Cas and for Dean. He wasn’t going to pursue it. It just... it sucked, though. Because Cas was kinda awesome, weird old school life or not. He was smart and funny and... _good_. Good in a way Dean hadn’t really known before. And he was hot too. Even in those ridiculous clothes.

Dean had knocked on the bathroom door harder than he intended, but nerves got the better of him. He’d intended to ask if Cas was all right, but decided at the last second that it might be better to ignore that anything had happened. He wished he’d thought of that before the knocking, of course. He hurriedly thought of a legitimate reason and asked about the phone.

Castiel led him to the phone, walking slightly ahead and Dean tried not to stare at him. When Cas caught him not-staring, Dean offered up a small smile. Shortly thereafter, they arrived at the phone and Dean dug the notebook out of his pocket. He waited for Cas to walk away and then he dialed.

Dean’s heart started to pound when Sam’s voice came over the line. “Heya, Sammy, how’s it going?”

“Dean!” The pure joy in his brother’s voice made tears spring up in Dean’s eyes. He wished he wasn’t about to disappoint the kid again. “Are you at Bobby’s? I don’t recognize the number.”

Dean took a deep breath. “No, I didn’t take the job at Bobby’s. I, uh... well, the truth is I got in trouble again.”

“ _Dean_!” Sam groaned.

“I know, Sam, I know. I was stupid. I should have taken Bobby up on it, I know that.” He shifted the phone to his other ear. “But listen, I got this kinda cool judge, right?”

At this, Dean could tell Sam’s interest was piqued. Dean never liked the judges. “Yeah? Cool how? I thought you hated all the judges.”

“Dude, so did I! But this was a new guy. Rufus Turner. He gave me a chance, Sam. I’m not in juvie this time.”

Sam’s voice was full of concern now. “Where are you? Are you far away?”

“Don’t worry, I’m still pretty close. Just a couple hours away.” He laughed. “Um, it’s gonna sound crazy, but... I’m in that Amish community.”

“You’re... what? Are you serious? You’d better not be messing with me, Dean.” Sam sounded like he wanted to believe it, but was skeptical.

“I’m not, I swear. Turner knows a guy here and he runs kind of a rehab program for screwed up kids. Reform through hard physical labor or some shit.” He glanced over to where Cas stood waiting for him. “I made a friend already too. His name’s Cas. I think you’d like him.” He hesitated, then added, “He’s a really good dude. I know I haven’t made the best friends before, but Cas is different.”

“That’s cool, Dean. I’m glad. Man, I’m really glad. I wish I could come and visit you there, see you in Amish clothes,” he teased with a chuckle.

“You shut up, Sammy,” Dean admonished, but he was smiling. “I can ask, if you think the ‘rents will bring you down.”

“Yeah?” Sam asked excitedly. “I’m pretty sure they would, Dean. Oh, hey, I gotta go, it’s dinner time.” He paused. “I love you, bro.”

“Yeah, Sammy. Love you too, kid. Talk to you soon, okay?” Dean felt good when he hung up. He wondered if he still had time to call Bobby. He asked Cas and got a nod, so he dialed again.

“Singer Automotive,” came the terse southern voice Dean knew so well.

“Hey, Bobby, it’s me.” He tensed for the reaction, since he hadn’t called Bobby like he was supposed to, but Bobby surprised him.

“Hey, Dean. It’s good to hear from you. You doing okay?”

“Yeah, hey, um, I got picked up again? But I’m not in juvie.” Once again he waited for the angry response, but it still didn’t come.

“I know where you are, Dean. They treatin’ you okay down in Minnoniteville?” Bobby asked, sounding concerned.

“What? How’d you know where I was?” Dean asked, incredulous.

Bobby chuckled. “Because Rufus Turner has been one of my best friends for half my life, idjit. Who do you think called him and had him get himself on your case?” He cleared his throat. “But I asked you a question.”

“Bobby, that’s... shit, man, thank you. They’re great. It’s good here. Made a friend and everything. The good kind.”

“Oh, yeah? Good. Make sure you don’t screw it up, you hear?” He took a sip of something and mumbled, “Proud of you, boy.”

Dean laughed bitterly. “For screwing up again?”

“No, you moron. For having the brains to realize you screwed up and the balls to do something smart for once, instead of self-destructive. Thanks for calling, Dean. I got a customer. Call me again in a few days.”

With that, Bobby hung up and Dean stood there for a second, stunned.

“Dean? That’s the dinner bell,” Cas called out and Dean realized he had tuned out the really loud clanging sounds somehow.

He nodded and hung up the handset. He walked toward Cas feeling odd. He thought the feeling was good, but it was new to him. Bobby was proud of him? His brain couldn’t process it. He remembered then that he needed to ask about Sam.

“Hey, I know it’s not really up to you, but do you think Davidson or whoever would let my brother come visit me one day soon?” He looked at Cas hopefully.

Cas smiled softly. “Of course, Dean. I will speak with him. We can probably arrange for—Sam, was it?”

Dean smiled. “Sam, yeah.”

“Sam can probably spend the night, as long as you get all your chores done while he’s here. I will ask Jacob after supper, all right?”

Dean thought his face might split from the grin that was breaking across it now. That was the best news he’d heard in a long time. He hadn’t seen Sam in weeks now, maybe even months. He missed him like crazy. Life had been harder for Dean since Sam got adopted and not just because Dean started screwing up more often and spending more time in juvie.

Impulsively, he grabbed Cas in a hug, squeezing tight before letting go. “Thanks, man. That would be awesome.” He knew there were tears in his eyes, but he didn’t think Cas was the type of person to call him out on it.

Cas just stood there for a second, looking dazed. Dean worried that he’d screwed up again with the hug. Then Cas shook himself and managed to smile at Dean and Dean relaxed. “You’re welcome, Dean. Shall we go to supper now?”

Dean nodded and they started walking, side by side this time. “So, does everybody eat in a big dining hall here?”

Cas shook his head. “Not everyone. Plenty of people make their own suppers in their own houses, most nights. However, we find it increases our sense of community if we try to eat together at least a few times per week.”

Dean nodded. “Saves lots of people from having to cook and everything, too. Do we have to pay for meals?”

“No, we have a special system. The kitchen staff is paid for by money made by selling the food and goods we make here. The food is provided by all the farms equally.” Cas pointed toward the line and Dean stepped that direction.

“Does everybody work inside the village?” he asked as they took their place.

“No, some work out in the English world. We have a doctor who lives just outside the community who takes patients from both sides, but she’s one of us.” Cas raised a hand at someone walking toward them. “Hello, Mathias. Have you met Dean?”

“Well met, Dean. I hope you will enjoy your stay with us,” replied the lanky man who stepped into line behind them.

“Nice to meet you. I’m liking it so far.”

The other man smiled and nodded. There was a distinct lack of curiosity that Dean found comforting. It was nice to not feel like the subject of gossip and speculation, which is what he’d half-expected to experience from the people here. He was happy to have been wrong.

“Good evening, Castiel,” called a young blonde around their age.

Dean could tell that she was interested in Cas, but he didn’t think Cas returned the sentiment. “Hello, Hester. Are your parents well?” He turned to Dean and introduced him and Hester’s gaze and interest were suddenly on Dean instead. He squirmed and turned away.

This went on throughout their time in line, as more people walked up and greeted Cas. Several of them were females who were obviously aware of how good looking the guy was and wanted to lock that down, Amish-style. Dean barely held in his grin. Cas wasn’t interested in any of them, as far as Dean could see. He certainly didn’t spare any of them a smile—though they all tried to get one.

Supper, as it turned out, was chicken pot pie, the thick sauce inside the buttery crust studded generously with carrots, peas, onions and potatoes, as well tender hunks of chicken. Dean knew he’d never tasted better in his life. He avoided moaning around his fork on the first mouthful, but it was a struggle. It was too hot to eat as quickly as he did, but he’d rarely tasted anything this good. The fact that it was a type of pie certainly didn’t hurt.

When his serving was almost gone, he told Cas, “Dude, this is, like, the best thing I’ve ever eaten. You gotta tell the cook for me.”

Cas smiled and replied, “You may tell her yourself in just a moment.” He nodded at the woman making her way down the row between the table where they were sitting and the one behind Dean. She was stopping to speak with people on the way, making sure they were enjoying their meals. “She is also the one who gave you the sandwich and pie this afternoon.”

“Yeah? Sweet.” Dean waited until she reached him and poured on the praise. “This was amazing, ma’am. Seriously. I’ve never eaten this good in my life. And thanks for the pie and the sandwich today too. It was all really good.” He blushed a little, but he held the smile on his face.

She beamed at him. “God guides my hands and the food is blessed with it. I am glad you enjoyed it, young man. God bless,” she said, patting his shoulder as she passed on to the next set of people. Cas nodded at her in greeting.

“There is Jacob Davidson. I will speak with him about your brother. Wait here,” Cas told him, standing up from the table.

Dean watched, heart hammering as Cas walked over to where the other man was sitting. He’d finished his dinner and was just speaking with those around him. Dean worried a little that he would say no. That, despite Cas’ assurances, Dean really was more like a prisoner than anything else and Sam would not be allowed to visit. Then he saw Jacob smile slightly and nod, saying something to Cas that Dean couldn’t hear.

Cas was smiling as he walked back to the table. Dean was pretty sure he knew the answer, but it was a relief when Cas told him, “He said that would be fine. He will be happy to speak with Sam’s parents about the visit tomorrow.”

“Really?” Dean asked, knowing there were tears in his eyes. To hide it, Dean forked up a bite of apple pie and took a bite. He swallowed thickly and said, “Thanks, Cas. For, you know, everything.” He waved his hand around to demonstrate the meaning of the word and felt like an idiot, but Cas just smiled.

“It was my pleasure, Dean, though I’ve done very little.” He flicked his eyes down nervously. “Are you, um, enjoying the pie?” he asked as he ate a bite of his own slice.

“Yeah, man, it’s great.” He ate another bite and made a happy face around it. “So, um,” he said before swallowing. “What else do we have to do today?”

“Normally, I would go straight to locking up the barns and making sure the animals are all right for the night. However, since I am to introduce you to new things and since you enjoyed the meal so much, perhaps you would like to offer clean up assistance to the kitchen staff?” Cas continued eating his pie without making eye contact and Dean wondered if he wanted to get rid of him for a while.

“Uh, sure, I could do that. Should I just talk to the same lady?” he asked, taking another large bite of the pie.

“I will take you over when we finish our pie.” He was taking tiny bites of his own, whereas Dean’s was almost gone. Dean caught a flash of blue when Cas checked to see how much he had left.

Dean nodded, knowing Cas wasn’t looking to see it, but annoyed enough with Cas for not looking at him that he didn’t care. He was actually surprised that more people weren’t speaking to him or Cas, but he supposed that despite the seeming lack of gossiping, some people might be scared of him, not only because he was a delinquent, but because he wasn’t Amish.

He turned to his right and saw a family of four. He smiled and made eye contact with all of them. They each smiled and then dropped their eyes except the father who stuck out his hand.

“Carl Bruener. Well met.”

“Dean Winchester. Likewise,” Dean said, shaking his hand.

To his left were the girls who had been fawning over Cas and they were still shooting him glances and whispering to each other. Occasionally a giggle rang out. Dean smirked, but did not engage them in conversation. Cas sat, oblivious to their attention. Dean wondered if he really didn’t see or was choosing to ignore it.

He ate his last bite of pie and set his fork down, satisfied sigh escaping his lips. “That was fantastic. Man, whenever you’re ready, take me to the lady who made the food. She deserves the full Winchester treatment for this grub.” When he surprised Cas into eye contact, he winked at him and the eyes dropped again.

Cas took one more small bite and pushed away from the table. They grabbed their dishes and took them to a table near the back of the serving area. Cas showed him where to scrape out the food and where to put the other dishes. Then he led him around to the door to the kitchens and located the cook again.

“Ma’am, in gratitude of your well-made meal, Dean would like to offer his services to the kitchen for the evening,” Cas told her.

She smiled and shook her head. “We won’t need your assistance tonight, Dean, though I thank you. However, if you have some time tomorrow, we could use a pair of hands to help make pie crusts.”

Dean smiled at her warmly. “Yes, ma’am, I’d like that.” Then he turned to Cas and asked, “I will have time for that, right?”

Cas nodded, asking the cook, “He can come by a few hours before supper, if that is acceptable?”

“That will be fine, Castiel. Thank you both.” She turned back to her duties and Dean followed Cas out of the kitchen.

Cas was walking ahead again and Dean was having trouble catching up. He didn’t call out to him, though, instead breaking into a jog to make up the distance. “You gonna help in the kitchen tomorrow too?”

Cas looked at him, startled. Dean didn’t know if it was his sudden presence, the suddenness of the question or the question itself. “I don’t, um, I don’t do well in the kitchens. The cook yelled at me the last time I attempted to help her,” he admitted quietly.

“Well, shit. Shoot. Sorry.” Dean was rewarded with a small smile from Cas, at least. “There’s that smile. I missed it during most of supper.” He scratched his cheek and looked at Cas sideways. “I think all those girls did too.”

Cas looked genuinely confused. “What girls?”

Dean couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “What girls? Dude, the gaggle of gawking ladies who were hanging on your every word and motion from the time you got into line for supper. Those girls.”

Cas continued to look confused. Apparently, he really didn’t know. Dean shook his head. “Wow, okay. Um, well, since I guess you’re unaware, I’ll just tell you that half the unattached female population of this little community has the hots for you.”

“‘The hots’?” Cas asked with some amount of distaste. “Is that a way of saying they are interested in courting with me?”

Dean’s laugh was loud enough to draw stares from the people milling around the village. Cas frowned. “I am sorry I’m not well-versed in your slang words, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas, don’t be like that. I’m not makin’ fun. I just—” He sighed. “I don’t know, I guess when you said ‘courting’, I laughed because it sounds so innocent, but those girls look like they have more on their minds than flowers and holding hands.”

The frown line between Cas’ eyebrows burrowed deeper still. “More like what?” he asked.

Dean stared at him for a moment, unable to believe anyone that age could be that naive, Amish sheltered upbringing or no. “Cas, come on. More like... happy naked times?”

Dean didn’t know if the word was ‘scarlet’ or ‘crimson’ for the color that Cas turned, but it was definitely one of the deeper reds. “Don’t be vulgar, Dean!” he snapped, using a rare contraction in his anger.

Dean felt genuinely upset now. “I’m sorry man, I didn’t—just, sorry. Okay? I won’t bring it up again.” He started to reach for Cas shoulder, then dropped his hand. “I didn’t mean to offend you, Cas. Really. Still friends?”

Cas’ eyes went wide and flew to Dean’s. “We are friends? So quickly?”

It was Dean’s turn to look confused. “Well, yeah. I mean, I thought so. Aren’t we?”

Cas gave him a hesitant smile. “I would like that. Apology accepted. I am sorry if I overreacted again. The other boys in the village have been... aggressive in trying to get me to court someone and the topic upsets me.”

Dean clapped him on the back and smiled, relieved. “Don’t sweat it, man. If I’m forgiven, you’re forgiven.”

They closed up the barns, only speaking about the tasks at hand. Then Cas showed Dean how to gather wood and heat the water tank for the bath. Dean offered to let Cas have the first one, but Cas said he was going to go to his own house for a little while to talk to his guardians.

Dean ran the bath and then took advantage of the empty house to take care of his baser needs. He didn’t exactly get much of a chance to help out little Dean when he was in juvie, so it’d been about a week since he’d last relieved some tension. He forced himself to take his time, not wanting it to be over too fast, since he didn’t know how soon he might get the chance again.

This was a great plan until there was a soft knock at the door and Cas called his name through it in that deep gravelly voice of his. Dean’s orgasm punched out of him and he had to ride it out before he could answer. Cas called his name again before he was done.

“Yep! Yeah, I’m here, Cas. You need something?” he called out breathlessly, still trembling from the aftershocks.

There was a moment of silence from beyond the door. “I just wanted to make sure you were all right.” He seemed to start to say more, but then stopped.

“Cas?”

“I am sorry, Dean.” He hesitated again. “It’s just, you have been in there quite some time. I should have realized English bathing customs might be different.” He shuffled outside the door, possibly starting to walk away, then added, “I apologize for interrupting your solitude.”

Dean was shocked. Did the guy really not know about jerking off? Or maybe he knew, but it was sinful or something. Either way, Dean didn’t think he’d be explaining that one to him. Then again, Cas was pretty cute when he blushed, so it might be worth it. Dean grinned and laid back. Then he sighed and pulled the plug, staying in the tub until it drained.

He’d forgotten to get fresh clothes, so he stepped out covered only in a towel and padded to the cabinets. Cas was in the front room where the clothes were kept, reading a book. Dean stepped past him and opened a door.

“Cas, I’m all done, if you wanna take one now,” he told him over his shoulder.

Cas glanced up from his book, barely aware that Dean was talking, but then his eyes took in Dean’s state of undress and went wide before snapping back down to his book. “Um, I—yes. I think I’ll do that,” he said in a rush, stumbling up and beating a hasty retreat to the bathroom.

Evidently, though, he realized he’d forgotten his clothes, too, because he came right back into the room, just in time to get an eyeful of Dean bending over to put on his pants. Dean squatted down, swearing, and apologized. He thought he was blushing pretty much all over, but it was hard to say.

He snatched the towel back up and wrapped it around himself, stepping to the side so Cas could get his clothes. Then he grabbed his fresh clothes and hobbled to the bedroom they were to share, closing the door behind him. “Fuck,” he said with feeling when he leaned back against the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me? I beg you, speak, my children! ♥


	3. Self-discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel learns more about Dean and, in the process, himself. Castiel likes everything he learns about Dean, but what he learns about himself causes him fear and worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this was late!! I had a busy day trying to give away my puppies and time got away from me. For now it is unedited, but I will try to fix it up tomorrow. If you see any glaring grammar/spelling/punctuation errors, please gently point them out.
> 
> You know what I completely forgot when I was posting the first two chapters? Songflightgirl is actually the reason I _had_ this idea in the first place! Shame on me, forgetting that. 
> 
> Hm, have I hawked [my books](http://smile.amazon.com/Jamie-Dean/e/B00Y9UNMFM/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_2?qid=1443648262&sr=8-2) lately? So I don't have to hock my stuff. BOOM! _AWESOME FREE ENGLISH LESSON_. And at least moderately decent books, if I do say so myself. For less than the price of Venti Mocha Frappuccino with a double shot from Starbucks! (And one is actually free if you have KindleUnlimited) 
> 
> (PS While you are thanking SFG for me having this idea, you might also blame her for my tendency to launch into ALL CAPS FOR NO REASON AT ALL. But you might not. Entirely your call.)(I love you SFG)

As Dean made his phone call, Castiel reflected that he was enjoying his time with Dean, perhaps more than was wise. He was inexperienced, but he recognized in his reactions from the day behaviors like those of the other boys his age when they were interested in courting one of the girls. He had never experienced physical attraction to anyone, but he was sorely afraid that was what he was feeling for Dean.

He thought he might need to distance himself for a while. He needed to clear his head. He might be wrong about what he was feeling or it might just be the newness of having a person interact with him so closely. He had never really had a friend before. Perhaps it was merely affection he was feeling.

Inexplicably, as soon as he made plans to spend time apart from Dean, he immediately resented when Dean took him up on it and he didn’t want to separate right away. He’d intended for Dean to speak with the cook himself, while Castiel went to the barn and took time to himself. Instead, he had offered to speak with her _for_ Dean.

If she had wanted assistance, Castiel wondered if he would have offered his own, as well, so they might spend more time together. Since she did not, he would never know. He felt relieved that Dean was coming with him to the barns and it confused him still further. He did not feel in control of himself.

He watched Dean as he completed the tasks Castiel gave him. There was a warmth in his chest that had not been there before. He enjoyed watching Dean in the same way he liked looking at the sunset or certain paintings. There was a beauty to Dean that was undeniable. He did not think that was the same as attraction, though. Perhaps he worried for nothing.

He resolved to speak with his guardians while Dean took his bath. He showed Dean how to get it all going and then he headed over to his home. Mam and Pap were happy but surprised to see him. They had opted to have dinner in the house by themselves and Castiel wondered if he was interrupting them.

For that reason, he kept his visit brief, feeling more alone than ever. He walked around instead. Finally, he got tired of hiding and walked back toward the dorm. He realized as he walked into the front room that he had been gone for over an hour. He walked down the hall, expecting to see Dean in their room, but the bathroom door was still closed.

Vaguely concerned, Castiel knocked and called Dean’s name. When Dean did not immediately answer, Castiel started to worry, but calmed himself with the idea that Dean might have simply fallen asleep, unused to the rigorous activities of the day or he might be washing his hair. He called Dean’s name again and heard a splash this time.

When Dean responded, he sounded out of breath. Castiel wondered if he had woken him. It then also occurred to him that the English might consistently take longer baths than the Amish. He felt foolish for disturbing Dean when he thought of it. He explained the reason for his knocking and apologized.

He went to the common room and grabbed a book at random off the shelf. He was trying to figure out what it was about, concentrating intently on the description on the back cover. He did not realize Dean had entered the room until he spoke and still it took him another few seconds to register that he wore only a towel.

Castiel knew his heart rate could not be healthy. He might actually die here in the dormitory if he didn’t slow it back down. He breathed slowly through his nose and turned back to the book, but thought better of that retreat. Instead he rushed out of the room toward the bathroom, as Dean had suggested. He got as far as the door of the bathroom when he realized he hadn’t brought any clothes with him.

His heart, which hadn’t really slowed yet, went triple the speed when he walked in to see Dean’s completely naked backside raised in the air as he drew on a pair of trousers. He did not know why Dean was going without underwear and he did not care. He just knew he could not breathe. Dean covered himself quickly and ran into the bedroom, leaving Castiel alone with his apoplexy.

He hastily grabbed clothes and headed for the bathroom again. He hadn’t checked the fire and the water was no longer as hot as it had been, but he didn’t mind. He would not be staying in the bath for long. He washed himself and tried not to think about Dean as he had last seen him. However, his mind continued to wander to the image of Dean’s naked lower half and, to his dismay, Castiel’s own lower half responded to the image.

Castiel frowned. He was not ashamed, as his body responded without his permission, but nor was he happy that he had these responses. He knew this would mean trouble for him. He knew what he was feeling. He quickly finished washing himself and climbed out of the bath. When he got out, he found Dean in the common room, looking over the book shelves.

“It’s cool you guys get modern books and sh-stuff. That’s not against the rules?” Dean asked when Castiel walked in.

“No, we are allowed to read about the world. Just because we choose to live outside it, that does not mean we are ignorant of it.” Castiel thought perhaps he sounded defensive. He was not offended by Dean’s question, he was simply blunt by nature. “I can understand why you would be confused. I know that your movies and television portray us differently than we are.”

Dean shook his head as if he was clearing water out of his ears. Castiel thought it endearing. It made him look a bit like a confused puppy. “Sorry, man, I’m just trying to take it all in. You’re right, I kinda had ideas about you from books and TV and stuff, but you guys really don’t seem to be like I thought.”

“We are just people, Dean. Like you. We simply choose to live without most of the modern conveniences with which the Englishers surround themselves. We devote our time instead to family and God and good works.” He hastily added, “And I do not judge you because you live differently.”

Dean smiled. “Good, Cas. You know, except for the whole no music thing, I kinda like it here so far. You’re different from anybody I know, but it’s a good different.”

Castiel felt the sin of pride beginning to warm his face, so he cut it off. “Tomorrow you will meet many more of my people. I am sure you will find they are likewise pleasant.”

“Well, yeah, maybe, but I meant you, specifically, Cas. I’ve liked all the people I’ve met so far, but you’re my favorite.” Dean looked at him for a moment. “You don’t like compliments much, huh?”

Castiel dropped his gaze and walked to retrieve the book he had dropped earlier. “I do not receive many of them, as a rule. However, we are taught that pride is a sin, anyway. All my gifts come from God, so--”

Dean grinned at him, inexplicably. “Well, then, if I pay you a compliment, then I’m really complimenting _Him_ , right? So you can’t really be upset.”

Castiel was surprised to find another laugh bubbling up. Dean was ridiculous, but he made an odd kind of sense. His grin was infectious, as well. “Shall we read, then?” was Castiel’s only answer.

They read until the waning light was too dim. They could have lit the gas lanterns, but Castiel didn’t usually, and Dean seemed ready for bed. He went to brush his teeth and Castiel made up Dean’s bed as well as his own. He was just putting on his pillow case when Dean came back.

“Oh, hey, thanks, man. I’d have done that.”

“It was no trouble. Making the bed actually calms me. I used to do it for my brother.” He smiled in spite of himself. “He used to trick me into it, but then it became a habit.”

Dean looked uncomfortable. “Sorry he took off, Cas. That must really blow.”

Castiel was uncertain what that expression meant, but he assumed it was negative. “You are also separated from your brother.”

“Yeah, but at least I can talk to him. You don’t even get to talk to yours, do you?” Dean asked as he folded back his blanket.

“No. He was shunned and I never had a chance to get his phone number or address.” Castiel thought back to that time and frowned. Then he saw Dean start to unbutton his shirt and snapped back to the present. “Oh! I should get you some sleeping clothes. I was about to change into mine.”

Dean’s fingers halted on their buttons. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

Castiel found the items in the cabinets and brought them back. Then he pulled his own from the bag his guardians had packed for him. “You may change in here while I change in the bathroom.”

“Okay. I’ll, uh, open the door when I’m done, so you know it’s safe,” Dean told him with a awkward smile.

“Thank you, Dean.” The very last thing that Castiel needed was to walk in on Dean half naked again, so he appreciated the gesture.

A few minutes later, he and Dean were both in bed. Castiel knew they were both lying awake, but he didn’t know how to relieve the uncomfortable tension that was building in the room. They were both sleeping in a strange space, with a person who was virtually unknown to them. It was unsurprising it was awkward, even without any other factors.

“So, hey, um, since neither of us seems to be sleeping,” Dean said after a few minutes. “Tell me more about you going out into my world and all that.”

“What would you like to know?” Castiel asked, turning slightly to face Dean more directly.

“Like, tell me how all that works. The whole thing and, you know, just how it will work for you.” Dean also shifted, but he didn’t look over at Castiel. He seemed to be staring at the ceiling.

“Our adolescence is known as ‘rumspringa’ and it means a period of running around, really. Between the ages of 14 and 16, we are allowed to do things as the Englishers do, without repercussions--within reason. In our community, we are expected to go out and live in the English world for a time, experiencing life among them.”

“Why do you call us English or Englishers? I mean, we’re American,” Dean asked, sounding confused.

Castiel smiled in the dark. “We start life by learning German. In some of the older, stricter communities, many of the people do not even learn English at all, though in most we begin learning it from around the age of 6 or so. In some communities, German is the primary spoken language. Here it varies between the families.”

“Oh. That sort of makes sense. So, when do you go out in the world? I mean, 14 is pretty young by our standards, to be on your own?”

“We stop going to school at 14. Most start living out in the world on or around their 16th birthday. I chose to wait until 6 months after to start any of my Englisher living. I’ve continued to do my chores and live plain. I suspect I will not enjoy life out in your world very much.” Castiel lay there, expecting Dean to ridicule him or perhaps defend his own way of life.

What Dean said instead was, “Yeah. Seems like you’ve got a pretty good thing here. It’s, uh, it’s rough out in the so-called real world, Cas. There aren’t dorms for you to stay in if you’re down on your luck or nice couples to take you in when your parents die. Not for everybody, anyway.” There was a deep sadness in his voice that Castiel hated. He wanted to ease it.

“It sounds as though you have had a very difficult life, Dean. I am sorry for that. And I admit that I am also a little frightened to go out into your world. Did Sam’s guardians not have room for two children?” Castiel was afraid it was a touchy subject, but Dean answered readily enough.

“It was a lot of things. I was already 15, which meant they couldn’t adopt me unless I agreed to it. They weren’t my parents and they couldn’t really afford two kids, either, so I figured it was better for everybody if I split. I wanted Sammy to have a chance at a normal life.” He sighed. “I miss the kid like crazy, though. We spent a lot of time with it being just him and me. It’s hard not having him around.” Castiel thought he saw him smile in the dark. “You know what that’s like, though, huh?”

“I do, yes. I suspect you and your brother were a lot closer than my brother and I, however. We loved each other, but I would not say that we were friends. I did not feel that I knew him well.” Castiel regretted their estrangement, but he had never known what to do about it and then it was too late.

“That sucks, man. Sam’s like my best friend.” Dean seemed uncomfortable and rushed to change the awkward subject. “So, where are you going to live when you hit the streets?”

“I will rent an apartment. My parents left me some money when they died and Jacob or Pap will come into the city with me and sign the papers. I will get a job if I can find one that suits my skills.” He did not want to work anywhere that required excessive use of technology. He was afraid there might be nothing else.

“You couldn't just live in a small town?”

“I could, yes, but it would defeat the purpose of living in the world. The community and the church want us to know exactly what we are choosing not to have before we agree to commit our lives to plain living.” Castiel was not interested in learning the things he was supposed to, but he had little choice.

“Well, the world’s not all bad, Cas,” Dean assured him, as if he could read Castiel’s thoughts. “There’s plenty of good stuff you should try once. You know, like, music and movies and dating.”

Castiel squirmed in his bed, unhappy with the change of topic. “We are allowed to date, Dean. I choose not to. I have no interest in taking a wife. When I move back, I intend to live as a bachelor.”

Dean looked over at him for a long moment. “Oh,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to get married, either, but I think our reasons are probably different.”

Castiel said nothing for a moment. He was beginning to feel tired and he realized that he was at ease with Dean in a way he wasn’t used to, in spite of everything. “I am glad you came to stay with us, Dean. I hope you will enjoy your time here.” His eyes drifted closed.

“Me too. I think I will.” Dean shuffled onto his side. “G’night, Cas,” he murmured.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel said on a yawn. He saw Dean’s mouth curl up into a smile and then a few seconds later, he began to snore softly. The soft sound lulled Castiel to sleep.

The next morning, Castiel was surprised to wake up to the smell of frying bacon. Dean’s bed was empty. Castiel went to the bathroom first, then to the kitchen to investigate. He found Dean in front of the stove, still in his night clothes. There was bacon frying in one pan while eggs were being scrambled in another and bread was toasting in a third.

“Morning, Cas,” Dean called over his shoulder when he realized Castiel had come in the room. “Breakfast will be ready in a minute. You wanna set the table?”

“Good morning, Dean. I did not realize they had stocked our icebox.”

Castiel had expected to make do with toast for his breakfast. He was pleased that Dean could cook and had decided to do so. He got plates and forks and put them on the table, then went to the icebox to get milk and was happy with the stock of food he found inside. He added apple juice and glasses to the table along with napkins.

Dean came over with the eggs first, putting half on each of their plates. He put the pan back on the stove and brought over the bacon and divided it, then repeated the process with the toast. When he sat down, he started to pour himself some juice, then paused as he noted Castiel’s clasped hands.

Castiel watched, rapt as Dean sat down and folded his hands in a similar way. He closed his eyes and bowed his head. When Castiel did not begin to pray, he opened one eye and looked at Castiel expectantly. Castiel felt the corner of his mouth quirk up as if it were attached to Dean’s now-lifted eyelid.

“Dean, you do not have to pray with me. Are you even a man of faith?”

“No, but... it’s, like, respectful, right? To bow my head and stuff too?” He shrugged. “Besides, you aren’t like the other….” He waved a hand around in the air in a gesture Castiel did not understand. “You know, God-y people I’ve met. You’re, like, serious about all the good stuff and... I don’t know. Am I not supposed to bow my head?” he asked, looking a little concerned that he had made a mistake.

Castiel was touched by Dean’s show of reverence. “Yes, of course, Dean. I only wanted to keep you from doing something you found uncomfortable. I appreciate your respect for my faith, especially as you do not share it. It is very kind.” He clasped his hands again. “Shall I continue?” Dean nodded and once again assumed the prayer position.

Castiel offered a quick prayer of thanks and a grace for the meal. Then he raised his head and opened his eyes, offering a quick smile to Dean as he did the same. “Thank you for cooking breakfast, Dean. It all smells delicious.” Castiel could see that Dean’s posture straightened under the praise.

“You’re welcome. It’s not much,” he said with a shrug.

They ate in relative silence, though Castiel did let Dean know the food tasted as delicious as it smelled. It was a companionable silence and Castiel felt no trace of his usual awkwardness around strangers. It was a nice change. Dean finished more quickly than Castiel, but Castiel insisted on doing the dishes, since Dean had made their food. He sent Dean to change clothes, instead. They had many things to accomplish today and they should get started soon.

They spent the morning on the milking and carpentry work. Mr. and Mrs. Schubert needed a new chair, so it took time for Castiel to show Dean how to make one. They were able to finish it before lunch, since there were two of them doing the work.

They went back to the dormitory for lunch and Castiel put together some sandwiches for them with the ham, cheese and lettuce that had been provided. The ham had not been sliced, but he was adept with a knife. It was one of his few skills in the kitchen. He was happy to see that the cheese was some of Mam’s. He wondered if stocking the icebox was her doing and he resolved to speak with her after supper to find out.

“So what’s next up after lunch?” Dean asked when he was about halfway done with his sandwich.

They had both opted for water, since the carpentry work had been intense and made them both break a sweat. Dean paused to drink most of the rest of his in one go as he waited for Castiel to answer and Castiel had to tear his eyes away from the way his throat worked on the process. He did not even understand why he was drawn to the sight, but he knew it was something he could not pursue.

“One of my chores is to visit the old and infirm and spend time with them. Sometimes they need a few things done, but many times, they just need company. Today, we will be going to see a little girl by the name of Liza Banks. She’s been ill recently and hasn’t been able to get out of bed.” He absently brushed crumbs from his pants.

“Anything after that before I go to the kitchens to make pie?” He was nearly done with his sandwich already.

Castiel finished his bite and replied, “What time would be best for Jacob to speak with Sam’s parents about his visit? We could go and speak with him after we spend time with Liza, if you like.”

“Yeah, that’d probably be a good time. Sam won't be home yet, but I think his, uh, mother will.” Dean made a face as he finished his sandwich and washed it down with the last of his water.

“You don’t like calling her that.” Castiel took a bite of his sandwich, not looking at Dean.

“That’s not who she is!” Dean responded vehemently. More quietly, he said, “We had a mom. She’s not her.”

Castiel put a tentative hand on Dean’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “I know exactly what you mean. I call the Shurley’s Mam and Pap because I had to call them something other than Mr. and Mrs. Shurley, but they will never be Mama or Pa.” Castiel felt a twinge of guilt, but he pressed on. “They are good people who took me in when I had no one, when Gabriel had no one, but they are not my parents. Truthfully, I would rather call them Rebecca and Charles, but that is not the way of things.”

Dean looked at him gratefully. He nodded. “I usually just call them Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, but he’s starting to call them mom and dad.” He shrugs. “It makes him happy if I call them his mother and father, too.”

“You are a very good brother, Dean,” Castiel said, not knowing he was going to say the words until they were half-spoken.

Dean’s eyes softened and he started cleaning up with a small smile and a quiet “Thanks.”

When Dean met Liza Banks, it was yet another surprise for Castiel. Dean was apparently very good with children. Castiel hadn’t expected it. He himself was good with some and not so good with others, but he was much better overall with children than adults. He smiled when they walked in because Liza was instantly enamored of their new friend.

“You’re pretty,” she told Dean in a soft voice, her eyes wide with wonder.

Dean beamed at her, green eyes crinkling at the corners. “Not as pretty as you, beautiful! Did you pretend to be sick just to get me and Castiel here to come and wait on you?” he asked, sitting on the edge of her bed. “I bet you did, you little princess.”

She giggled. “No, I _didn’t!_ ” she insisted. Then she looked over her shoulder at her bookshelf. “Will you read me a story?”

“Of course I will, sweetheart. What story would you like to hear today?”

Dean was all smiles and kind eyes and he was basically perfect with her. He was always patient and sweet, no matter how many stories she asked for. They ended up staying much longer than Castiel normally would have, but he would swear Liza looked healthier when they left than when they’d arrived.

“You are very good with children, Dean,” Castiel told him as they walked to Jacob’s house.

Dean gave a disbelieving half smile and shrugged. “Nah, she was just a sweetie.”

Castiel did not push the matter, but his respect and like for Dean Winchester had grown a lot in the past 24 hours and the past 2 hours in particular. He was much more comfortable with these feelings than the physical ones. These made sense. He was making a new friend. The first he could remember since he had lost his parents, really. He was going to enjoy this one thing.

They reached Jacob’s and found him out on the porch, working on a piece of carving. He sometimes sold the pieces he made, but mostly they collected on his window sills and on shelves. He also gave them to the children around the community sometimes. He was very skilled and Castiel hoped one day to be as skilled as he was.

When Jacob saw them, he put his work aside and got out of his chair. He walked toward the front door without a word, motioning for them to follow him inside. Once there, he directed them to sit at the table.

“May I offer you some iced tea, Dean? Castiel?” Jacob asked, opening the refrigerator.

Castiel nodded, but at Dean’s look of confusion at the appliance, Jacob explained that he was one of several people in the community who owned a gas-powered refrigerator. They had talked about getting more of them for the kitchens, but so far only this one was installed. Castiel’s guardians had ultimately decided against it, though Mam’s cheese-making almost swayed them.

“Iced tea sounds great, thanks. Uh, Castiel said you’d be willing to call my brother’s--” Here he paused and glanced briefly at Castiel. “--uh, guardians and talk about his maybe coming to visit me here?”

Jacob set the glasses on the table. “Of course. You would like me to do this now?”

“If you have the time and don’t mind. When can he come visit?”

Jacob offered a rare smile, though a small one. “He may come whenever you wish. Although, since tomorrow is Friday, perhaps this weekend is a good time?”

“That would be... yeah. Wow, that would be really good.” Dean frowned slightly. “I hope they say yes.”

“I will do my best to convince them it is a good place for their charge to visit. I certainly believe that it is. I believe it has already been good for you, Dean. If I may say, you look more relaxed today and less as if the world is resting on your shoulders.”

Castiel looked at Dean and thought that Jacob spoke the truth. Dean did look better than he had the day before and Castiel didn’t think it was merely that he knew him a bit better. His face had more color and his eyes were brighter. He was not as tense. Castiel was pleased by the effect their village had had on him already.

He would not think of himself as responsible, not even in part. That was a dangerous road.

Jacob let them finish their tea and then he drove them to the phone in his buggy. Dean gave him the number and let Jacob do all the talking. The younger men listened as Jacob explained to Mrs. Campbell who he was and where Dean was staying. He asked if they could bring Sam down for a visit to stay with Dean over the weekend.

When Jacob hung up, Dean was nearly falling down with tension and fear. Castiel could feel it around him like thick fog. He did not ask Jacob what had happened, however. He just stood there, staring at Jacob and waiting for him to speak.

“She and her husband will arrive at the front gate tomorrow at 6pm with Sam. I will meet you at the dormitory at 15 minutes of and then we will go get him and bring him back here for supper.” He clapped Dean on the shoulder.

Castiel enjoyed the way Dean’s face lit up at the news. He grinned widely and looked like he wanted to hug Jacob Davidson. “Thanks, Jacob. Man, thanks so much. I can’t wait to see Sammy! Cas, you’re gonna love him, I promise. He’s gonna love you, too.”

Castiel smiled, unconvinced. “I am pleased he gets to visit you, Dean. It is kind of you to cook for us, Jacob.”

“Yeah, thanks for that too, man. Wow. This place is... I’m really grateful,” Dean finished.

Jacob gave them both a small smile. “It is no trouble, either for me to cook or for us to have you here.” He changed the subject then, asking which church members Castiel had visited this week.  Castiel told him about Liza Banks and how good Dean had been with her.

“Nah, I didn’t do anything, really. She’s a little sweetheart.” Dean ducked his head, a blush evident on his cheeks.

“She is indeed a very sweet child. I hope her illness abates sooner rather than later,” Jacob told them, gaze flicking to his wagon briefly.

Soon after, Castiel suggested that they needed to be going, in order to get Dean to the kitchens. Jacob invited them to get in the wagon and let him drive them. “I’ve business soon on the other side of the community, so it is on my way. Castiel, are you going to the kitchens too?” Jacob knew of his lack of aptitude for cooking and there was surprise in his voice.

“No, I will be working in the orchards.”

“Then I will take you there with my wagon, as well, if you like, as I must go beyond there,” Jacob offered.

Castiel inclined his head. “Thank you.”

Castiel said a goodbye to Dean with a mixture of relief and disappointment. Knowing he would see him again in a few hours made him feel better, but it also upset him that he was coming to enjoy his company so much so quickly. Was it always like this with friends? He wished he knew.

Castiel was intended to do some planting at the orchards, but when he got there, he discovered their cart, which was some years old now, had been seriously damaged that morning. He looked it over and determined that the wood was so deteriorated that the cart really needed to be completely replaced, rather than rebuilt or repaired.

He spent an hour going over the specifications for the new design and then headed back to the carpentry building, promising them at the orchard that he would have the new cart ready by Monday. He was pleased when he realized he could enlist Dean’s help and possibly his brother’s and they might even get it done sooner.

The rest of the time until supper Castiel spent gathering materials for the cart project. He collected them in the work shed and left a note, explaining that he would be working with them the next day. After that, he quickly did the milking and by then it was almost time for the evening meal and Castiel went back to the dormitory to get washed up.

To his surprise and delight, Dean was waiting for him outside the kitchens. The blond boy waved at him when he saw Castiel walking toward him, a large, happy smile on his face. Castiel waved back, his smile more reserved, but he felt it as strongly as Dean's showed he did.

This time when they stood in line, Castiel remembered what Dean had told him about the girls in the village. He noticed their attentions this time and it made him uncomfortable. He managed not to be curt with them, but it was difficult. When Dean noticed his discomfort, he reached over and squeezed Castiel's shoulder lightly.

"Hey, Cas, man, relax. Nobody's gonna make you do anything you don't wanna do. Eventually, they'll figure out you aren't interested and leave you alone," Dean whispered soothingly. He gave Castiel a smile which Castiel did his best to return.

If only the touch of Dean's fingers wasn't just as disquieting as the girls' affections.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how are you? Say things and I will ~~almost always~~ answer. Thanks as always for reading, beauties. ♥


	4. Of mice and masturbation - casting seed upon the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas catches Dean at a vulnerable time and does not react well, but Sam's coming to visit and maybe that will make it all okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been ever-so-slightly edited, but not really. Only for certain things. So please pardon any errors. I will try to go through it soon and fix it up, but feel free to let me know if you spot something. Otherwise, please enjoy this mildly smutty, mildly angsty chapter.

Dean woke up excited. He wasn't sure why, except he wasn't in juvie, he had cool stuff to do and he liked hanging out with Cas. He hadn't had a new friend—not one he actually thought he could trust, anyway—in a really long time. It was nice.

He was hungry and figured Cas might be too when he woke up, so he carefully slipped out of the bedroom and, after a detour to use the facilities, made his way to the kitchen. He was checking cabinets when he made the pleasant discovery of the icebox. He quickly found thick sliced bacon wrapped in butcher paper and a bowl of eggs with shells in several colors.

He learned a little while later that Cas was a-fucking-dorable when he first woke up. His hair was a wreck, his lips were extra pouty and his eyes extra squintastic. Dean smiled to himself when Cas wasn't looking.

Food perked Cas right up, though and he was much more appreciative than Dean would have expected. The guy probably had had breakfast made for him every morning, so it wouldn't have been a shock if he took it for granted. Clearly, though, he didn't. If anything, he seemed touched.

Then they went to see that little girl and she was just a doll. He wanted 12 just like her—or he would, if he ever intended to get married, which—as he’d told Cas the night before—he didn’t. He still wondered why Cas didn’t want to get married, though. I mean, Cas seemed to love this Amish life, otherwise—and really, who wouldn’t?

Sure, there was no internet or electricity and no music or cars, but if a person had always lived without those things, this life seemed like a pretty sweet deal. Dean had grown up with some of those things, but he still liked this place a hell of a lot more than he’d expected. It was nice. Simple. When he worked hard, he actually saw results. It was a nice change from his normal life.

And Cas obviously loved it here. He didn’t even want to visit the outside world at all. So why didn’t he want to get married? Was he an asexual? The first time he’d heard the term, he’d been totally confused—how could anyone _not_ like sex?—but he’d been around this one asexual guy enough to sort of get it. The way he had explained it was a spin on that old adage that an orgasm was like a sneeze.

“You might enjoy sneezing in the moment, but I bet you never look at pepper and think ‘Ooh, I’d love to shove that in my nose!’” he’d said and Dean had shaken his head, making a face. “Well, for me, sex is like that, except instead of pepper, it’s people. I never look at them and think I want to rub any part of them on any part of me, even though I have occasionally had orgasms by myself and enjoyed them.”

Dean reflected that this might be a weird train of thought to have while reading a children’s book about a teddy bear that came to life. Especially while reading it _to_ a child. He shook off the thoughts and enjoyed Liza’s reactions to the stories he read. Her mother finally called a halt, saying the little girl needed to rest. He was relieved, but also a little disappointed. He’d been enjoying himself, even if his voice was tired. He ruffled her hair as he said goodbye, basking in her adoring smile.

He couldn’t believe his luck when Jacob told him that, not only could Sam come visit, but Sam could stay for the whole weekend. Dean hadn’t seen his brother in ages and now he’d get a whole weekend with basically just the two of them and Cas. He was happier than he could remember being in a long time.

He hated to leave Cas to go to the kitchens, but he was excited about helping make pie. The lady in the kitchen—Gerda, as he found out—was happy to see him. She showed him exactly how to measure and mix the dough and then how to roll it out and put it in the tin. She showed him twice, helped him once and then watched him as he did it on his own.

“That is very good, Dean. Well done!” she said, patting him on the back. “Now, you just keep doing that until all the tins have a crust, all right?” It was a daunting task—there were a lot of empty tins on the counter—but he nodded, determined. “Then once we add the filling, the pies will need a top crust, too. If you need me, just give a shout. I know you are not used to this work, so let me know if it becomes too much, all right?”

Dean nodded, doing his best to give her a reassuring smile before she walked away. He could do this. He could and he would. He mixed and rolled as she’d shown him. It was not perfect, by any means, and then next one was not much better. As he continued down the line, though, his pie crusts gradually began to improve. By the time he got to the last empty one, he thought they were looking pretty good.

His arms were starting to ache from kneading and rolling, but he kept on as the filled pie plates came back to him for covering with a second crust. He was tempted to taste the blackberry filling, but he resisted. Finally, he was covering the last pie with its second crust. Gerda came back as he was pinching the final part of the edge together.

“Very well done, indeed, Dean. You have put in a good day’s work for me.” She smiled at him fondly. “I will save this pie for you to take to the dormitory with you. Come back and get it after supper is over.” She laughed at his look of joy. “If you ever want to come back and work with me again, I will show you how to make filling,” she told him, with a final pat on the back. “See you after supper, Dean.”

“Thanks, Gerda. This was great. I’ll definitely come back again to help out. I don’t know when, though,” he told her, losing his smile a bit.

“Whenever you come will be fine, Dean. Enjoy your meal.”

Dean heard the dinner bell then and walked outside to watch and wait for Cas. He hadn’t been there long when he saw him headed Dean’s way. Dean smiled and waved. He felt really good when Cas smiled and waved back at him. Like he mattered. Like he belonged. Like Cas had been enjoying their time together, too.

When they stood in line and the girls started up again, Dean quickly realized how much his words about what the girls were after was affecting Cas. The poor guy looked like he might have a panic attack if one more girl spoke to him. Dean wondered more than ever if the guy might not be asexual. Dean felt a little bad for making the guy aware of the girls’ attentions. He wanted to make it right, so he reached out and touched Cas to get his attention.

Dean honestly wasn’t sure whether what he was saying was the right thing or not. He just said what he thought Cas needed to hear. It happened to be the truth and that helped, but he wasn’t sure that Cas had relaxed all that much. Cas gave him a smile, but it looked kind of funny, like Cas was still sort of freaking out.

Then Cas’ eyes flicked, just for the briefest second, to Dean’s hand on his shoulder and Dean realized, all at once. It wasn’t just the girls now. It was Dean touching him that was a problem. Yeah, so, probably asexual. He removed his hand immediately. Dean wouldn’t be Dean if he didn’t feel a little hurt at the sort-of rejection. Still, Cas had allowed hugs and other physical touches, so Dean thought it was probably just the prolonged contact that was a problem.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to linger like that. I know you guys don’t really do the whole touchy feely thing like Englishers.” He smiled at Cas, letting him know he wasn’t offended or judging or whatever thing Cas’ panicked eyes said he was afraid of.

Cas smiled back, more normally this time. “Thank you, Dean. Touch does...  overwhelm me sometimes. It was...  comforting, though. I appreciate the gesture very much.”

They had their supper with Cas’ guardians, which was pleasant. Afterward, Dean walked back to the kitchen to get his pie from Gerda while Cas talked to his folks for a while. Apparently, ‘Mam’ had been the one to fill up their icebox. Cas had seemed very touched by the discovery before Dean had excused himself. When he got back to the table, the others were rising.

“I left you more cheese, Castiel. Your favorite. It is in the icebox with the rest. I also made you some iced tea.” She pulled him in for a quick hug before turning to Dean. “Dean, it was a pleasure having supper with you tonight. Castiel tells us you will dine with Jacob Davidson tomorrow, but perhaps on Saturday night you might come to our house for the evening meal?”

“I’d like that, ma’am. I’m sure Sammy will, too.” He smiled at her and then at her husband, who squeezed Castiel’s arm gently before reaching out to shake Dean’s hand.

Then they were gone and it was just Cas and Dean again. “Should we drop this off before we do the milking?” Dean asked, gesturing toward the pie.

“I have already done the milking. We are done with our chores for the day.” Without talking about it, they both started walking toward the exit.

“So, how’d it go at the orchard?”

Dean listened as Cas explained how he’d ended up doing carpentry instead of planting and then he talked about his own experience with the pie crusts, ending the story by saying, “She even asked me to come back. Said she’d show me how to do filling next time. I guess that means I did a good job, huh?”

“I am happy you did well, Dean. I knew you would find things here that you enjoy. Gerda is very exacting. You must have done well, indeed, if she praised you, invited you back _and_ gave you pie,” Cas confided, leaving a warm feeling in Dean’s stomach.

“Yeah? Wow. Awesome,” he said with a huge smile. He saw Cas frown slightly, as if confused, but he didn’t say anything and neither did Dean. “It’s been another good day, Cas. Another really good day.”

Dean didn’t have as much trouble falling asleep that night as he expected, but he woke up early again the next morning. He spent the whole day barely able to hold in his excitement. He did all the things Cas told him to do with mindless determination, until it came to visiting people. That he put his whole self into, enjoying making the old and young alike laugh at his stupid jokes.

By the end of the visiting, Cas was looking at him almost constantly, to the point where it was starting to freak Dean out a little. Not like Cas was creepy, but like Cas was putting him on some sort of holy pedestal or something. It was weird and Dean didn’t deserve it and it was messing with his head when all he wanted was the bask in the pleasure of making those people smile.

“Cas, dude, you’re gonna burn a hole through me if you stare any harder,” he told him without looking in his direction. The eyes immediately fell away.

“I apologize, Dean. You are simply so different than I originally expected and so good with the people here. It is... _you_ are,” he corrected. “A revelation, I suppose. You don’t care if they are very old or very young or very sick—or that they do not live at all as you do. You treat them all the same.”

Dean frowned, considering Cas’ words. “Don’t you do these visits every single day? I’m no more special than you are,” he told Cas, uncomfortable with the praise.

“No, it is not the same. I come because I was told to and because I know I should. But I do not enjoy interacting with them, not the way you do. I do my best, but...  I know they sense my discomfort.” Cas shook his head. “From what you have told me, I think you have many reasons not to trust people or like them. And yet you do.” He sighed. “It is the opposite of me.”

Dean nodded, getting it. He was more comfortable taking the praise knowing it was because Cas himself felt inferior. He could work with that. “See, you’ve got it wrong, though. I _don’t_ trust people. Not usually. Not ever, except a couple people. Since I’ve been here, though…” Dean tapered off, trying to think of another way to say what he wanted, but he couldn’t, so he just said it. “I trust _you_. I can tell you’re a good dude and, I don’t know, that makes me more accepting of the other people here.”

He clapped Cas on the shoulder as they climbed the dormitory steps. “Besides, the fact that you’re scared to interact with those people and yet you do it, day in and day out—that’s pretty amazing, Cas. I’ve got a natural gift for, I don’t know, charm, maybe. You don’t, but you go to them anyway and they _like_ you, man. That’s important, too.”

He walked inside without waiting for a response. When he didn’t hear Cas walk in behind him he turned back, to find Cas still on the steps, looking dazed. Dean walked back to the door. “You coming in? I wanna have a bath before we go meet Sam, so if you need the bathroom, you should probably go.”

“What? Oh. Oh, yes, thank you, I will,” Cas muttered, walking toward the room at the end of the hallway.

Dean looked after him, confused. He didn’t know what he had said that had caused Cas to look so stunned, but he hoped it was a good kind of stunned. Shrugging, he grabbed some fresh clothes and made a mental note to ask Cas where—and how—to do the laundry. Looking at the clock, he knew washing the clothes had to wait until after Sam got here.

Dean hurried out and started a fire for the water. When he got back inside, Cas was standing in the common room, looking lost. His eyes lost their faraway look when Dean came into the room and snapped him out of whatever thought he’d been lost in.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean couldn’t stop himself asking.

“What? Yes, I’m fine. Um, thank you. I think I am going to gather eggs while you bathe. Do you need anything before I go?” Cas’ eyes were flicking around, not really staying on Dean or anything else for long periods of time.

Dean decided not to press him on it. The guy was entitled to his secrets, after all. “Nah. Well, actually, how do I wash the clothes? I should probably do that, after supper and the milking and everything.”

“I can do it, since your brother is here,” Cas offered, but Dean shook his head while Cas was still speaking.

“Thanks, but I’ll wash my own underwear, man,” Dean said with a smile to show he appreciated the offer. “Anyway, I need to learn how to do it for next week when you’re not doing chores or whatever, right?”

Cas nodded, still seeming distracted. “Yes, that’s true. All right. After the milking, I will show you what to do. I will go see about those eggs now. I will be back in time to have a wash before Jacob comes.” With that, Cas was grabbing a bucket from the kitchen and heading out the back door.

Dean wasn’t even sure they were that low on eggs. Though with Sammy coming, it probably wouldn’t hurt. Kid could eat almost as much as him and that was saying something. He shrugged it off and went into the bedroom to find something to do for a few minutes while he waited for the water to heat.

He realized then that he had his good shampoo and body wash in his duffel. He’d just used the handmade bar soap that was in there last time, but today he thought he’d use the good stuff. Some people might have more trouble adjusting to the lack of showering on a daily basis, but he’d gotten used to skipping showers frequently in juvie. Fewer chances that way for some asshole to mess with you while you were naked.

He also needed a shave, he thought. His facial hair didn’t grow very fast, but he hadn’t shaved in over a week and he finally had a little stubble coming in. He grabbed his razor and shaving cream, too. Running a hand through his hair he wondered how to get a barber in this place. He’d have to ask Cas that, too.

He shaved and then figured the water was hot enough. He ran the tub full and slid in, letting the soreness of the day evaporate into the warm water. He rushed through scrubbing his hair and skin because he wanted to have time to jerk off without taking a super long, Cas-worrying bath again.

He took care of that problem—mainly so he wouldn’t pop inappropriate erections around Cas while his brother was here—quickly with minimal fuss and then he pulled the plug. When he got out and was toweling off, he noticed that the door was cracked. His heart started pounding. How could he have forgotten to shut it? Had Cas seen or heard anything? He closed the door and got dressed in a rush.

When he came out, though, Cas was not in the house. He relaxed. Crisis averted. He still had some time to kill before Jacob came back, so he scanned the book shelves, but nothing interested him. Instead, he grabbed his notebook and pen from his stuff and went out to the porch to write down some things out in the fresh air. He was really enjoying being outdoors so much.

When he got to the chair, however, he realized he was thirsty. He set his notebook down and headed for the kitchen to get some juice. When he opened the icebox, glass in hand, he froze. The egg container was completely full again. Cas had come back in and was now gone again.

“Shit,” Dean whispered into the empty kitchen. “Shit, shit, shit.”

As soon as he got back to the porch with his glass of juice, he saw Cas walking toward him. His head was down and he did not look up, even when he reached the porch. When Dean said hello, he responded, but his skin darkened to a dull crimson and he started to head back inside.

“Shit,” Dean said again, under his breath. “Cas, wait. Dude, I’m sorry about leaving the door open. I thought I shut it. It was—I was—it’s not—fuck,” he finished vehemently, unable to find his words.

Cas just stood there, unmoving as Dean spoke and then went back into the house as soon as he stopped, with a mumbled, “‘s fine, Dean,” that was an obvious lie.

Dean felt like shit. And he didn’t even know why he felt like shit. It wasn’t like he’d left the door open on purpose and it wasn’t like he was ashamed of touching himself. It was just... he’d upset Cas. Cas probably had never touched himself in his life, might not even know that was a thing—or, if he did, he had probably been taught it was wrong—and now not only _knew_ about it, he knew _Dean_ did it, had _seen_ Dean doing it.

He put down his juice and walked back in the dorm, only to find that Cas was already in the tub.

“Shit,” he said yet again, confirming his eighth grade English teacher’s assertion that he had a limited vocabulary. He stormed back outside in a cloud of self-loathing, drawing angry doodles until Cas came back out onto the porch.

Right away, Dean could see something had changed. “I hope you do not mind that I used some of your bathing soaps,” he said quietly. And the breeze blew the scent to Dean, who found he did the opposite of minding.

“N-no, man, it’s cool. Help yourself.” It smelled a hell of a lot better on Cas.

“I apologize for my behavior earlier. I was shocked and did not know how to react. I was also ashamed, for failing to call out when I saw the door was open, instead of walking up to it.” Dean could tell Cas was more relaxed now and he wondered... but he wouldn’t ask.

“It’s cool, man, I shoulda made sure it was shut. I don’t know how that happened.” Dean faltered briefly. “We’re good, though? I didn’t, like, scar you for life or anything?” Dean asked, going for a joke and missing by a mile when his voice came out high and fearful.

Cas looked at him in bemused concentration. “I do not understand what that means, Dean. However, if you are asking if what I saw is a problem, it is not. I was only surprised. That is not….” Cas turned to look over his other shoulder. “We are taught that it is “better to spill our seed with a whore than on the ground” and I have... previously always lived by that belief.”

Dean had known and yet, somehow, hearing it confirmed aloud was still a little shocking. “Oh. Well, I wasn’t raised to, uh, you know, think it was a problem. Um….” Here he paused, embarrassment getting the better of him. “I’m sorry you had to see it, though,” he finished, a blush warming his cheeks.

“Dean, there is no reason for you to apologize. You thought you had privacy. I am the one at fault, both for not calling out and for behaving as I did afterward.” A blush spread over Cas’ face this time. “Please, let us not speak of it anymore. It is a thing in the past.” His eyes moved beyond Dean. “Jacob is almost here. Are you ready to go get your brother?”

Just like that, Dean’s bad mood evaporated. All the discomfort and embarrassment was forgotten in the wake of a single thought. _He was about to see Sammy_. Dean literally couldn’t wait to wrap his arms around the kid and squeeze him for all he was worth. It had been way too long.

“Hell, yeah!” he answered with a grin, running down the steps to greet the wagon. They were half way up the road to get Sam before Dean even realized he’d cussed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That thing Castiel paraphrases is [not an actual Biblical quote,](https://www.probe.org/is-there-a-verse-about-casting-ones-seed-in-the-belly-of-a-whore/) but I once had a devout person tell me it was. 
> 
> Today is a little better? But love me anyway, just in case. ♥ (And, hey, tell your friends about me?)


	5. Meeting the families

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes to visit. Cas and Dean struggle with their emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, do you know what today is? It's unbeta'd chapter day! Woohoo!! Wooo! Woo. Heh. No, but hopefully there aren't too many typos. I found the badonk at least ;) ~~and I'm totally not freaking out that there were badonks in my previous chapters - the way there were in the manuscript I submitted to the publisher that later became[my book!](http://amzn.to/1PJkWFV) True story.~~
> 
> Anyhoo, if you saw my note in Cheesy Tropey Drabbly Bits yesterday, I am feeling better today... emotionally, at least. I'm sick, instead *cues pity music* ♫WAMP-WAAA!♪ I think that was affecting my mood yesterday. 
> 
> Shiver yer timbers, mateys, thar be angst ahead (I'm so sorry, I get weirder when I'm sick)

Castiel was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Several moments throughout the day had led up to his disquiet, but he finally _needed_ to leave Dean’s presence, leave the enclosed space of the dorm. He needed a chance to breathe and pretend that he was not increasingly drawn to the Englisher who was invading his space.

It had started when they went visiting again. Then it had only increased the more people they saw and the more strangers Dean treated like old friends. On top of all that, there was Dean’s near-constant need to touch—a hand on the shoulder, a nudge with an elbow, a slap on the back. It was distracting. Finally Dean expressed that not only did he _trust_ Castiel—when he trusted no one else—but he praised Castiel and told him that what Castiel did everyday was brave. Castiel knew he had to get out and away. He had seized on the eggs as a likely sounding excuse to leave.

What he had not expected—and certainly did not need—was to come back and see the bathroom door ajar. He saw that Dean was not in the other parts of the house, when he walked in and then went to the kitchen to put away the eggs. It was not as if there were many places for him to go. Clearly, the most likely place Dean could be found was in the bathroom, door ajar or not.

So Castiel was on his way into the bedroom, to wait for Dean to return. But a sound from that open door way had his feet moving of their own accord. It had been a low-pitched, aborted sound. Castiel felt compelled to walk toward that small gap in the doorway. Another noise, this time breathier. These were noises unlike any Castiel had ever heard.

He did not know what the sounds were. And yet, he wondered afterward if perhaps some part of him recognized the noises for what they were. If he was drawn to the door because he _knew_ what he would see. Regardless, move to the open doorway he did—and what he saw lit him aflame from his scalp to the soles of his feet.

Dean—wet and naked Dean—lay in the bathtub. His head was tilted back, eyes closed and mouth open. He was gloriously beautiful, but that was not what made Castiel’s eyes bulge in their sockets or his skin flush across his whole body. Dean’s hand held his full erect penis and he was stroking it with speed and single-minded enjoyment.

Castiel’s own manhood reacted to the sight and Castiel hurriedly backed away. He quietly ran to the door. He took care not to appear to be fleeing when he left, lest anyone from the village be walking or riding by. He kept his pace brisk, though, trying to burn off the nervous energy he felt and the twist of shame in his gut. He took a walk, trying to clear his head and rid himself of the guilt he felt, but he was unsuccessful.

When he saw Dean on the porch, he dropped his gaze, instantly overcome again. He couldn’t bear to see him now. Dean’s naked form, relaxed in ecstasy would not leave Castiel’s mind. He was only just keeping himself from becoming aroused. At the first opportunity, he rushed inside and shut himself in the bathroom.

Once in there, he braced his hands on the basin and took a deep breath to steady himself. As he did, he detected traces in the air of the soaps he had smelled on Dean the first day they’d met. He looked up, noticing new bottles on the side of the tub. He turned on the water, then picked up one of the bottles, inhaling lightly. It was a good scent. He picked up the other bottle as well. Also a good scent.

Unbidden, his mind posed the question as to which one Dean had used to touch himself. Castiel’s penis responded instantly to the image his mind provided, of the soap bubbles that were evident when Dean was pleasuring himself. He bit his lip, willing the image to go away. Then he recalled the sounds he had heard Dean making. He hit his thigh, hard, as a distraction. It worked and he finished running his bath, keeping his mind blank.

Once in the water, however, the image of Dean lying just where he was rose once again behind his closed lids. He ignored his reaction as best he could. He picked up the bottle labeled “body wash” and used a small amount to lather himself. He hoped Dean would not mind. If he did, Castiel would buy him some more on his next trip to town.

As he rubbed the lather over himself, his mind turned again and again to thoughts of Dean. He was obsessed and he did not know how to combat it. He knew he needed to wash his throbbing erection, but he had never had to do so when he was in this condition before. Finally, he knelt in the water and used a hand to apply soap to his scrotum first. He was shocked by the pleasure that spiked through him at the contact and he gasped.

Knowing what he was doing was forbidden but urged on by his pleasure and the knowledge that rumspringa was a time for exploring normally-banned behaviors, Castiel took his penis in a soapy hand and stroked it, nearly crying out with the exquisite feeling the touch unleashed. His brain was now lost in carnal abandon. He allowed himself to remember the beauty and sensuality of Dean, wet and pleasuring himself.

He thought of what it might have been like if he had walked in while Dean was doing that. Would Dean have let him watch? Would he have let him help? Would Dean have touched _him_? Castiel pictured Dean opening his eyes and turning toward him with a lust-filled smile, calling him by the shortened version of his name and reaching out to take his -

“Oh!” The word seemed to leap out of him of its own accord as the pleasure of orgasm swept over him in a rush of waves.

He watched his seed floating in the water absently as he slid down in a boneless heap. He felt the water lapping at his ears distantly and he panted and made waves. When he finally came back to himself, shame threatened to overtake him, but he reminded himself that this was rumspringa. He was meant to try these things now, so that he could deny himself later. He felt a pang of loss at the idea.

He decided to drain the soiled water and wash his hair in the sink basin. It would give him extra time away from Dean. He was horribly embarrassed about having thought of him while engaging in such an act. His cheeks burned as he lathered his hair. Then a sudden thought occurred to him as he was rinsing the shampoo—Dean’s again—down the drain. Dean would have been thinking about something, too.

Castiel was not experienced enough in the world to know if Dean had the same interest toward Castiel, but knowing that it was even a _possibility_ that Dean might have thought of Castiel while he had touched himself drove away most of Castiel’s embarrassment over his own thoughts. Dean had thought about _someone_ , at any rate, so either they should both be ashamed or neither of them should. Castiel thought neither sounded like the better choice. He got dressed and stepped outside.

Apologizing to Dean was easier than he’d expected—though his face had bloomed red when he alluded to his “behavior afterward” since he knew everything that entailed. He was happy to see how Dean’s face lit up when he realized it was time to meet his brother. The joy was evident not only on his face, but in his posture and movements. He practically ran to meet Jacob’s arriving wagon, so anxious was he to be on their way.

Castiel himself felt a mixture of excitement and trepidation—which seemed to be his usual state of mind now that Dean had arrived in his life. He was anxious to meet Dean’s brother that Dean obviously cared a great deal for, but he was also worried that Sam and Castiel would not get along, since he knew that would diminish him in Dean’s eyes.

Castiel felt slightly sick. He knew he should not feel such things. He should not want so desperately to impress or please an Englisher, in particular a male Englisher. His church would frown on his desires toward Dean—both physical and otherwise—in too many ways to count. It was rumspringa, however. So he shoved the bad thoughts aside for now. Now was about meeting and getting to know Sam.

As they rode along—and once he finally shoved his own selfish worries aside—he could see that Dean was also becoming nervous. The joy had not lessened even slightly, but Dean was also afraid of something. It took only a moment of thinking before Castiel had worked out what Dean must be frightened of.

“Sam will be excited to see you, too, Dean. And proud of your choice to come here,” Castiel quietly reassured Dean over his shoulder.

The green eyes studied him for a moment, no doubt seeking truth—and then softened as Dean relaxed. “Thanks, Cas.”

When they got close enough to see where the main community road met the highway, there was a car in view. As they watched, a lanky adolescent boy climbed out of the back seat and stood watching them, bouncing occasionally on the balls of his feet.

Jacob intoned, “I believe his excitement, at least, is no longer in question, Dean.”

Castiel glanced back at Dean to see him smiling, eyes shiny with emotion. “Yeah, guess not,” Dean said softly.

When they rolled to a stop, the wheels had barely ceased their forward motion before Dean was leaping out and running to embrace his equally eager brother, who met him halfway across the distance. Castiel and Jacob exchanged a look, both smiling softly. Then Jacob and Castiel both exited the wagon as Sam’s adoptive parents got out of their vehicle.

Castiel was eventually introduced to the adults first, then to young Sam. Dean’s younger brother greeted Castiel with a shy but warm smile and a firm handshake that belied his young years. Castiel smiled warmly in return, expressing how pleased he was to finally get to meet him.

“Dean speaks very highly of you, Sam,” Castiel told the boy.

“Yeah?” Sam asked, a little surprised. “He said good things about you, too.”

When Jacob was finished speaking with the Campbells, Sam said his goodbyes and they left. Dean squeezed Sam into a one-armed hugged on the way back to the wagon, grinning broadly, as happy as Castiel had yet seen him.

“Man, it is good to see you, Sammy!” he told his brother, ruffling his hair as he let go of his shoulder to walk around to the other side of the wagon. When he climbed inside and took his place next to Sam, he said, “Jacob invited us to dinner, so we’re heading to his house now. And then afterward, Cas and I have to milk cows. You wanna come?”

“Heck yeah!” Sam replied enthusiastically.

“Awesome,” Dean told him, still grinning. Castiel was coming to learn it meant something different to the English than to his people.

Castiel watched the brothers interact at dinner, fascinated. Dean was more like a parent than a brother, it was obvious. He was very skilled at reading his brother and helping him. Sam was very shy at first, but Dean knew just how to draw him out.

“Ole Sam here is a little genius. He didn’t get the best start in school, but now he makes straight A’s on every report card and he could skip three grades, if he wanted.” Dean took the opportunity to ruffle the child’s hair again.

“ _Deeeaaan_ ,” Sam said in mild annoyance. He flicked his eyes back and forth between Castiel and Jacob, though, for longer than his previous attempts at eye contact, as he explained. “It was only _two_ grades that I could have skipped, and it’s probably only because Dean did such a good job teaching me stuff. Anyway, my, um -“ His eyes skipped to Dean and then quickly away. “-my parents and I decided it would be better if I just stayed with kids my own age for now. Next year we’re gonna reevaluate the situation.”

They were big words on a young boy’s tongue, but Castiel knew they were not just mimicked from one of his adoptive parents. Sam used those words because he knew those words and Castiel thought Dean had cause for his obvious pride in his brother’s intelligence. He knew instinctively not to draw attention to Dean’s contribution to Sam’s education.

“That is very impressive, Sam. Do you enjoy school?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, mostly. I’m making friends, at least. The work is kind of boring, except for reading and history. I like those.” He took a bite of his casserole. “This is really good, Mr. Davidson. Thanks for inviting me to dinner.” He drank some iced tea and asked Castiel, “Are you in school? I read that Amish people don’t go to school when they’re your age, but I didn’t know if that was true or not.”

Castiel smiled at him. “I am not in school anymore, no. What you read was correct, at least in our community. We believe that we continue to learn everyday of our lives, so we stop going to actual school when we complete the 8th grade.”

“Oh. That’s cool.” He ate some of the steamed vegetables and drank some more of his tea before he said, “Thanks for taking Dean in to live with you guys, Mr. Davidson. Juvie’s not a good place.”

Dean made a face, but Castiel couldn’t tell if it was the reminder of the detention facility, the reminder of his past mistakes or just the reminder that his brother had been subject to being inside the facility himself, in order to see Dean.

“We are happy to help people who are looking for a better life,” Jacob told Sam, with a half smile. “Your brother is doing very well here. We are happy to have him with us.” His smile got a little wider. “We are happy to have you with us, as well.”

The rest of dinner went well, with Sam out of his shell and talking more freely. The interplay between the brothers only became more fluid as well. Castiel was caught up in it, like he was in any other subject that intrigued him. He wanted to study them, learn everything there was to know about them. Dean, of course, in particular he wanted to know more about.

Castiel, however unexpectedly, was not left out of the conversation, however. Both Sam and Dean engaged him whenever he would step back, drawing him in once more. They did the same for Jacob to a lesser extent. It was a feeling of inclusion and belonging that Castiel had never found before. It troubled him that he felt that way about the way of life he held so dear—that he did not really fit in here, even though he could imagine no other way of living.

After dinner, they went to do the milking. Dean patiently showed Sam how to do the milking. Castiel smiled to himself when he realized Dean used Castiel’s own words to explain how it worked. He watched from his own milking stool, trying not to make it obvious, but Dean looked up and caught his eye at one point and smiled at him, joy written all over him, face and posture. Castiel’s return smile felt like it was pulled onto his face by unseen hands, so involuntary did it seem.

When they started the return walk to the dormitory, the brothers were caught up in a conversation about things Castiel had no knowledge of. Castiel walked ahead, so that he could remove his things to another bedroom for the weekend. He had not thought of it earlier, but of course the brothers would want to bunk together.

He had an armful of his things and was walking across the hall when the brothers walked in.

“What are you doing, Cas?” Dean asked, a small confused frown marring his face.

“I assumed you two would want to stay in the same room, so I am moving my things,” Castiel explained, confused himself.

“Nah, man. You stay in your bed. We’ll drag another mattress onto the floor for Sammy. That’s cool with you, right?” Dean asked, turning to his brother.

Sam smiled slightly and shrugged, unperturbed. “Yeah, you keep your bed, Cas.”

“Oh. All-all right,” Cas stammered, more confused than ever. He was being included and he didn’t know why.

“Here, I’ll help you put your stuff away,” Dean said, grabbing onto the pile in Castiel’s arms. Castiel ignored the little shiver of _something_ when Dean’s fingers brushed his arms. “Then you can help me move the mattress from across the hall. Deal?”

The question was evidently rhetorical, since Dean was already moving to put Castiel’s things back. Cas was touched by the fact that Dean seemed to know where everything had been, even though he’d been in the room but a short time. Castiel’s attention was diverted when he heard Sam in the front room.

“Wow, look at all these books! It’s like a little library in here,” the boy exclaimed, walking close to hover his fingers over the tomes, never quite touching.

“You enjoy reading?”

Sam nodded, not turning away from the volumes under his inspection. “Yeah, but I don’t have a lot of books. I have to get most stuff from the library. The Campbells don’t really read that much, so they don’t have any books around, really.”

“You are welcome to read whatever you wish while you are here.” Castiel hesitated, then stepped closer and grabbed a book. “Here, try this. It is one of my personal favorites.”

Sam took the book reverently and ran his hand gently across the cover. When Sam looked up, his face was radiant. “Thanks, Cas. I’ll be super careful with it, I promise.”

Castiel smiled at him. “I know you will. I can see the love you have of books. I trust you.”

When Castiel turned to see if Dean was ready to move the mattress, he found the older Winchester leaning against the wall just inside the hallway, watching them. Cas saw gratitude on his face along with something else Castiel could not identify. He shrugged it off and offered his help with the mattress.

\----

Having Sam around was freaking _awesome_. Dean was loving every second of having his little brother around again. He’d missed him and he’d known it, but he hadn’t let himself admit just how much.

Sam had some trouble when they first sat down to dinner, but once Dean got him talking, he had loosened up and just been himself. One of the coolest parts was that Sam and Cas were getting along great, too. They seemed to have a lot in common and Dean wasn’t sure how that was possible, but he was glad it was.

It meant a lot to Dean when he heard Cas direct Sam to his own favorite book. He felt something more than grateful to Cas for it and he didn’t want to examine it too closely. He just knew he probably needed to be careful. He’d already decided he couldn’t afford to get tangled up with an Amish guy. He had to hold on to that.

In truth, it probably would have been better if he hadn’t included Cas in their sleeping arrangements, but he had a few different reasons for doing so. First because he figured Sam might feel guilty over kicking Cas out of his bed. Second because he knew Sam would get a kick out of being considered cool enough to hang with the big kids—even if in some ways Sam was more mature than Cas. Third because with Cas there, Sam would be less likely to grill him about what had landed him in juvie this time.

Also, though the chances were remote, if anyone should break in, there would be two of them to protect Sammy. If there were a fire, there’d be two of them to help get Sammy out. Protecting his kid brother was always a part of Dean’s thoughts, no matter that he had to let two strangers do it for him now, most of the time.

The next morning after breakfast, though, Cas left them to do the milking while he got started on the wagon. He was evidently pretty excited about it. Jacob had mentioned Cas was almost as good as him when it came to woodwork and Dean kind of wanted to see for himself. Because Cas was his friend. That was the only reason.

He was a little worried about Sam bringing up juvie during milking, but Sam was more likely to bring up hard topics at night in the dark, when Dean couldn’t run and Sam could hide his scared face. However, it seemed that embarrassing topics were okay to bring up during the morning hours, in the barely there daylight.

They’d barely been sitting on their respective stools for a full minute when Sam burst out with, “So, do you like Cas?”

“What?” Dean asked, head whipping around so fast he almost toppled off his stool in the process. He quickly reined himself in, figuring Sam must mean something else. “Sure I do. He’s a good guy. I told you we’re friends.” He went back to his milking.

“ _Dean_ ,” Sam huffed. “That isn’t what I mean and you know it.” Dean could feel him staring at him for a minute before he went back to looking at the bucket between his feet. “Do you _like_ him? Don’t pretend you don’t like guys the same way you like girls coz I know you do, Dean.”

Dean stared at his younger brother for a long time. He’d always known the kid was smart, but he was too damned perceptive for his own—or Dean’s—good. Resigned, Dean responded, half truthfully. “He’s Amish, Sam. I’ll be leaving here in just a few months. I can’t get involved.”

Sam smirked in a way Dean didn’t like. “You didn’t answer the question, Dean.”

“ _Sam_ ,” Dean said warningly. Sam just looked on, waiting for an answer that wasn’t a dodge or bluster. “I _can’t_ like him. While apparently _you’re_ a big rainbow advocate, his church is most definitely _not_. I doubt if he’s even gay or bi or whatever. And if he was, he wouldn’t act on it, anyway. Drop it, okay?”

“Well, that sucks. Coz I’m pretty sure he likes you, too,” Sam said lightly, as if he hadn’t just bombed his older brother in the chest. Cas liked him, too? _Shit_.

\----

Castiel had not intended to eavesdrop. He had come to make sure the brothers did not need any help with the milking. Instead, he had come even with the barn door just in time to hear his own name. It had given him pause and he had stopped, rather than walk into view.

What he heard made his heart pound in his chest. He was unsure if it was fear or exhilaration or something else entirely. All he knew was that his face was flushed and he could not seem to get his breath. Dean never did answer Sam’s question directly, but the answer was there in what he said and did not say.

Were such things as relationships between two people of the same sex now accepted out among the English? Castiel knew it had not always been so, that it was one of the few things on which Amish and English alike agreed in years past. However, he had no idea what changes had gone on in the outside world in the last several years.

He did not understand Dean’s words about rainbows and advocates, but he assumed it was a reference to homosexuality. He was used to not understanding things Dean said. He wished he did not understand that Dean evidently reciprocated whatever it was that Castiel was feeling. Because as hard as it was to ignore it already, it would be twice as hard now that he knew Dean felt the same.

And Dean was right. Castiel would not act upon it. Private thoughts in the privacy of the bath were one thing. Actual contact with Dean of a sexual nature was not a line he could cross. He could no longer deny it was a thing he wanted, but it was not a thing he could let himself have.

He stepped backwards quietly and made more noise on his approach, even coughing this time, to alert them to his presence. Dean’s head flew up, but Castiel forced himself to smile shyly at Sam and ignore Dean for the moment.

“Hello, Sam. Good morning, Dean. The wood wasn’t ready, so I came to see if you two needed any help.” He glanced at Dean then, holding his face as blank as possible.

“Uh, I think we’re good man, but thanks,” Dean said, smiling tightly.

Castiel would have made his goodbyes then, but Sam asked, “Do you want some help with that cart? I wouldn’t mind learning how to do that stuff.”

“There’s probably something else we need to be doing after this, huh?” Dean offered as a way out. Unfortunately, today there was not.

“Actually, not for some time yet. I had intended to just let you two catch up until time for visiting with people, but if you want to come to the woodshed with me, you are welcome to do so.” He smiled at Sam. “After visiting, my guardian would like us to help her make cheese.”

Dean actually smiled at that. “Yeah? I thought you weren’t good in the kitchen, Cas?”

Castiel found himself smiling back more easily than he expected. “I’m not. I think she is only asking because the two of you are here. She usually does not ask me.”

“Cool, all right. Well, I think we’re done here, so we’ll take the milk down to her again?” Dean asked, rising from the stool he’d been perched on.

“Oh, actually the morning milk is used for other things besides cheese,” Castiel told them, having only just realized he hadn’t explained. “I apologize, I should have remembered to tell you. I will need to show you where to take it.”

Mam Shurley was outside when they arrived and Castiel introduced her to Sam. She reiterated her invitation to dinner and both Sam and Dean confirmed that they would love to break bread with her and Pap. She showed them where to put the milk and then they took the cart back to the milking shed and Castiel put the cows out to graze for the day.

The boys followed him to the woodshed and he showed them what he would be doing. With their help, he got started and found the work was going much more quickly than he’d dared hope. Both Sam and Dean were naturally good with carpentry and by the time they needed to leave to go visiting, he could barely tell their work from his own.

The people they went to see took to Sam easily, but he did not have Dean’s instinctive ease with people. Castiel suspected it was his youth and innocent face that warmed people to him, rather than the kindness and charm that radiated from Dean. Still, he understood Sam’s position better than Dean’s and certainly did not judge him for it.

When they had seen everyone, the three boys were all smiling as they headed off toward Mam and Pap’s. Castiel watched the easy physical affection between the brothers and felt a jealousy that was unknown to him. He had always disliked touch, even hugging most of the time, as it always felt awkward and uncomfortable to him. To crave the hair ruffles and shoulder bumps and other little tactile expressions of affection now was bewildering.

As the day progressed, through cheese-making and evening milking and then to the walk to supper, Castiel found himself feeling a closeness with Sam that he had not expected. They had many things in common, it seemed and he genuinely liked the younger boy. What he felt for Sam was far different from what he felt for Dean, but it was no less welcome—and in some ways more so. It was a simple friendship and nothing more.

When they got to Castiel’s home, Mam welcomed them in and then told Dean, “I forgot to mention that I spoke with Gerda last night at supper.” She smiled. “She stopped me again today while I was there delivering cheese. She would like for you to bring your brother by before he leaves, if he will not be at supper tomorrow night.” She winked at Dean, a gesture Castiel could never remember her making in his lifetime. “She seems to have taken a great liking to you.”

Supper was a nice event, with everyone getting along very well. Sam was much more animated than he had been at the beginning of the previous meal with Jacob. Likewise, Mam and Pap both seemed more open and lively than Castiel could remember seeing them. He enjoyed the change, even while he felt sad that he himself had not been able to draw them out this way. He supposed it just was not one of his gifts.

The rest of Sam’s visit was equally enjoyable, especially during the quiet times when they weren’t doing chores. Castiel felt like he learned a lot about Dean as well as Sam. In Sam’s presence, Dean was more open, more himself. He was funnier and less reserved. Most of all, though, he was a kind big brother who was constantly thinking of his little brother and what he could do to make his day that much better.

If Dean before had been radiant, Dean around his brother was a bonfire that shone for miles. Castiel was finding it increasingly difficult to hold himself back from growing attached to this Englisher with whom he was bunking.

Dean remained joyous and smiling, right up until the moment he watched Sam drive away. As they rode back to the dorm in the wagon, it was as if Dean shrank into himself more with every foot further from Sam. His smiles dried up and he stopped talking. He acknowledged Jacob’s goodbye in the driveway with a listless wave and a smile that came nowhere near his eyes.

Castiel followed him back inside cautiously, not knowing what he could say. He knew there was nothing he could really do to ease Dean’s pain, but he wanted to do something to snap him out of the moment. Unfortunately, he could think of nothing for the time being, so he just walked in and sat down with him, without speaking.

When he did think of something, he was disappointed that it hadn’t occurred to him sooner. He excused himself and went to Mam and Pap’s, where he asked for some of her cheddar cheese and the leftover apple pie from supper the night before. He explained what it was for and she was more than happy to share it with him.

“The poor thing. Anyone can see that brother of his is everything to him. The English way of handling orphans is not a good way,” she said, shaking her head.

“No,” Castiel agreed. “It certainly has not done well by Dean.”

He took his treasures back to the dorm, half-expecting Dean to have gone to bed, but he was in the same chair, looking even more forlorn. He did not even raise his eyes when Castiel walked inside. Castiel went straight into the kitchen and got plates and forks, slicing up pie and wedges of cheese, then pouring up glasses of milk.

“Dean?” he called softly, going to the doorway that joined the rooms. “I know there is not really anything that can make up for not having your brother with you, but I thought perhaps…” He trailed off then, feeling foolish. He shrugged and continued. “I got pie. It was stupid.”

Dean’s eye actually brightened, though. “You went and got me pie? Where’d you even go? Aren’t the kitchens closed now?” It had been dark by the time they had returned from taking Sam to meet his parents.

“They are, but Mam and Pap were more than happy to share last night’s leftovers with you. They like you. And your brother. She sent cheddar slices, too.” Castiel shrugged again, recognizing that it was a small thing in the face of Dean’s loneliness.

“Cas, that’s...  thanks, man. Sam likes them, too. And you. A lot. Me, um...  me, too. I like them and, uh, and you.” He stood up from his chair and moved toward Castiel.

Castiel started to step back, but Dean was not walking to the table. His arms came around Castiel and pulled him into a tight hug. Castiel brought his arms up after a stunned moment and hugged back. Dean’s voice was muffled as he spoke into Castiel’s shoulder.

“I just miss him so much, you know?” He sniffed hard and then pulled back. “Thanks for, you know, the pie and...  everything.” The smile he gave Castiel was watery, but real.

Castiel smiled back and gestured at the table as he stepped back. They moved to sit and Dean smiled even wider when he saw the generous slice of pie Castiel had cut for him. He took a large bite and smiled around it, making appreciative noises as he ate it. When he tried the cheese, his eyes went wide and Castiel worried for a moment that he did not like it.

“Cas, you weren’t kidding. Man, your, uh, guardian makes freaking awesome cheese.” He took another nibble before forking up more pie.

Castiel was smiling as he finally bit into his own much smaller piece of pie. It was good and the cheese was indeed the best—not to mention a good compliment to the pie. They ate in companionable silence and then Dean insisted on cleaning up. Castiel opted to sit at the table and talk to him while he did so, not wanting to leave him alone in this state.

They talked about random things while Dean washed their few dishes then rinsed, dried and put them away. When they were done, neither of them was in the mood to stay up any longer. Castiel went to the bathroom to change into night clothes while Dean stayed in the bedroom to do the same.

After Castiel climbed into his bed, he realized how empty the room seemed with neither Winchester in it. Even after Dean returned, Castiel could feel the hole left by the absence of Dean’s younger brother. He resolved to do something nice for Dean to try and help him through this difficult period.

The first thing he decided to do was speak with Jacob about making Sam’s visits a semi-regular occurrence. Then he realized that this was something that need not be a surprise. It was a thing he could tell Dean about now, to hopefully make him feel better.

“Dean?” he called softly, even though he knew Dean was still awake.

“Yeah, Cas?” Castiel ignored the obvious signs that Dean had been quietly crying, though it pained him not to be able to comfort his friend.

“I was thinking I could speak with Jacob tomorrow and see if he can’t talk to the Campbells about allowing Sam to visit here every couple of weeks while you’re here.” He waited in the quiet, but he couldn’t even hear Dean breathing.

Then Dean sucked in a deep breath. “You think he will? Cas that would be...  I’d really like that. Please do that. And thank you.” A noise escaped him then which was obviously a sob, but neither boy commented on it. “You’re just...  a really good guy, Cas. A good friend.”

Castiel smiled into the dark, but he said, “It is nothing, Dean. You would do the same for me, would you not?” His smile only got bigger when Dean confirmed that he would. He could hear Dean’s breathing even out over the next few minutes and soon he knew he had fallen asleep. When Castiel fell asleep shortly thereafter, it was with the smile still on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor little Cas. How sweet is a Sastiel friendship, though, huh? ♥♥


	6. Field Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dude, she was totally hitting on you,” he broke in at one point, laughing—and not at all, even remotely, jealous. 
> 
> “What does that mean? Is that like having the... hots?" Cas asked, struggling to recall Dean’s previous phrase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot chocolate! Hometown tour! Schmoopy clueless babies! Beta-free! ~~There may be hella angst in this chapter, I don't remember and I don't really have time to read through it before I post, I only just remembered it was that time of the week again.~~

Dean couldn’t believe he’d been in the Amish village for a month already. He looked at himself as he got undressed and realized just how ripped he was getting. All the manual labor and the lack of junk food was paying off in a big way. He looked himself over and made a considering face.

“I’d bang me,” he said aloud as he pulled his sleeping pants on.

“Did you say something?” Cas called through the door.

Dean smiled to himself. “Nope, just talking to myself, sorry.”

“Ok. I made hot chocolate. Do you want some?”

Dean popped out of the bathroom quickly enough that Cas startled. Luckily, he wasn’t holding the hot chocolate. Cas smiled and rolled his eyes. Dean knew the latter was something he had picked up from Dean, but he liked to credit himself with the frequency of the former, too. Cas had definitely relaxed and started smiling more since Dean had been here. Dean grinned.

“I will take that as a yes, Dean. It’s in the kitchen.” He headed back that way and Dean ducked back into the bathroom.

It was only as he was walking toward the kitchen that Dean realized just how much Cas had changed—he hadn’t even reacted to Dean’s shirtlessness. Dean told himself that was a good thing, even as he felt disappointment wash over him. He’d liked flustering Cas, even though it made it harder to ignore his own attraction.

Cas smiled at him again as he walked into the kitchen and sat down next to his hot chocolate. Sitting and having something sweet together had become a ritual ever since the night Cas had gone and gotten him pie. The next night Dean had made them cinnamon toast and the night after that, Cas had suggested sweetened milk. Dean had talked him around to hot chocolate instead and that had been the most common sweet, but pie and other things still made appearances, too.

Dean took a careful sip, pleased to find it was not too hot and that it was the best Cas had made so far. “Dude, you’re getting better at making this,” he told him, taking another long sip.

Cas puffed up under the praise, even though he tried not to. Dean thought it was cute as hell—and then immediately tried to tamp down on that thought and all others like it. He struggled for a conversational topic. Usually, they talked about the chores Dean had done or what sort of things Cas was doing. Dean also had been talking to Cas about things to look out for in the so-called “real” world.

Cas rescued his flailing mind by saying, “I went to a bookstore today. They sold mostly used books, so I was able to get quite a few. I got one for Sam, actually,” he said, walking to the living room to grab it. He held it out to Dean. “Do you think he’ll like it?”

“Dude, it’s a book and you bought it for him. He’ll freaking _love_ it,” Dean told him with a grin. Unconsciously he toyed with the necklace under his shirt until he saw Cas watching his hand.

Cas stared at him for a second and then broke into a grin himself. He reached down beside him on the empty chair and brought up another book. “I got something for you, too, Dean.” It was a very nicely bound edition of the Hobbit.

“Dude!” Dean’s own copy had long since gotten lost, which he’d told Cas, at some point. “You? Are awesome. This is great.” He flipped through and looked at the full color illustrations inside.

“Do you want to go and read it?” Cas asked, clearly hoping the answer was no, but hiding it behind a sip of cocoa.

Dean shook his head. “Nah, I’ll save it for...  um, later.” _For when I’m not here anymore_ , was what he’d been thinking, but he couldn’t say that out loud right now. He forced a smile on, which was easier when he looked at Cas. “Man, I can’t wait till Sam gets here this weekend. He’s gonna be so surprised by the book and the case I made him. And Mam is giving him cheese, too, right?”

Dean didn’t remember when he had been asked to call them Mam and Pap, but it had come easily. Sam was also granted the privilege. He had gotten to visit a couple of weeks ago and was about to come for his third stay. Having him around on a semi-regular basis was doing wonders for Dean’s mood. He had hardly gotten sad when Sam left last time, knowing how soon he’d get to see him again.

“She is, yes. Some honey, too, I think. He will have a lot to carry home with him,” Cas agreed with a small smile.

Dean realized he was playing with his necklace again and forced his hand down to his thigh. He sipped his hot chocolate—which was now cold chocolate, but he didn’t mind—and asked Cas about the rest of his day. He listened to tales of stares and awkward questions, laughing at some of Cas’ descriptions and reactions.

“Dude, she was totally hitting on you,” he broke in at one point, laughing—and not at all, even remotely, jealous. 

“What does that mean? Is that like having the...  hots?" Cas asked, struggling to recall Dean’s previous phrase.

Dean just laughed harder. “Yeah, kinda. Hitting on someone is basically flirting with them. You know, trying to pick them up?”

“She wanted to go on a date with me?” Cas asked with obvious distaste.

“Not your type then?” Dean teased.

Cas wrinkled his nose. “Her hair smelled of chemicals and she was painted like a clown.”

Dean’s sides were starting to hurt now from laughing. “Cas, man she was wearing hairspray and makeup. Chicks _do_ that in the modern world.”

Cas did not look any less affronted. “I don’t like it. She should rely on her natural beauty. Looks are not that important anyway.”

“You like your babes au natural, huh?” Dean asked with a chuckle. “Hey, I hear ya. I think chicks are better without all that, but that’s just how it is. Most of them wear it for themselves and not us.”

“I assume by babes and chicks you are referring to females. I have no preference for how they dress themselves. I don’t -” He cut himself off sharply and shook his head, abruptly standing and taking their empty mugs to the sink for a wash.

“Cas? Hey, man, I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn’t making fun or -” Dean tried to apologize.

“It’s not that, Dean. Forget it.” He said it over his shoulder, not even turning around to look at Dean.

“Ok. Well, I’m going to bed now. I’m pretty beat. You coming?” Dean wasn’t sure where the conversation went wrong, but he felt like crap.

“I think I will read for a while first.” Dean saw Cas’ shoulders sag slightly. “I’m not angry with you, Dean.”

Dean felt relieved, but no less concerned. “All right. Good, I’m glad.” He hesitated, then added, “But you know, if something is bothering you...  you can always talk to me about it, right? I won’t like laugh at you or judge you or...  we’re friends is what I’m saying, Cas.” He shrugged at Cas’ silence, not even sure why he was saying this stuff. “Goodnight,” he mumbled as he left the room.

He lay there in the dark, playing with his necklace. It was a figure of a sun, with a star in the middle, which Dean knew meant protection. He took a lot of comfort from holding it and tracing its lines, but he tried not to do it where Cas could see.

The plain people, as the Amish often called themselves, did not wear jewelry, but they made it and sold it to the Englishers quite often. Cas had a knack for woodcarving, like Jacob did, and when Dean was depressed over Sam’s leaving that first time, Cas had carved him the necklace, which he had tied to a leather cord. Dean hadn’t taken it off since.

Dean was still awake, thinking about all the things he wasn’t supposed to think about, when Cas came to bed. Dean heard him climb into bed and then felt his eyes on him in the dark.

“You are still awake.” The statement was not a question, but it had an implied “Why?” attached that definitely was.

“Yeah. Just thinking about stuff. Excited about Sam coming. A little worried about you,” he admitted, finally turned to look at Cas.

Cas sighed heavily in the dark and Dean thought that would be the end of it. He lay there, willing his breathing to regulate, wishing his limbs limp, trying to relax. Instead, he felt a tension building and he didn’t know why. Then he heard Cas draw in a breath before speaking and realized he was the source of the tension.

“You said I could tell you anything without judgment...  right?”

“Yeah, man. I mean, as long as you aren’t, like, murdering babies or something that’s hurting people, I’m not gonna look at you any differently.” Because using the term “murdering babies” was sure to put Cas at ease. Dean rolled his eyes at himself.

“The truth is, while I have female friends and I love Mam and I think women are wonderful...  I do not find them attractive. With makeup or without.” He held himself very still after the confession, as if fearing Dean’s reaction.

“So that’s why no wife, huh?” Dean asked as nonchalantly as possible, trying not to give away how hard his heart was pounding. “Yeah, I can see how that wouldn’t be something you’d want.” He swallowed hard, trying to decide whether to reveal himself.

“You... don’t care? If I told anyone else in the village, I would be judged harshly. Probably shunned, if they -” He stopped mid-sentence again.

“If they what, Cas?” Dean thought he knew, but he wanted to hear it, even though it did him no good.

Cas’ voice was barely audible. “If they understood it meant that I liked men, instead.”

Dean let out a shaky breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Cas, you should know... I like girls. I like them a lot, actually. Find them attractive and all of that, but... I like guys, too.” He heard a small gasp from Cas, but he ignored it. “Where I come from I guess it’s called bisexual? I never really labeled it before, but... anyway, I don’t judge you. Okay?”

He heard an inhalation from Cas and realized he was crying. “Thank you, Dean. Is it... accepted? Out among the English?”

“Not... I don’t know. More than it used to be, I guess? Some people are still assholes—sorry—and they give people shit for it. Dammit.” Dean groaned, seemingly unable to stop swearing. The next noise he heard, though, was a _snort_. “Dude! Are you _laughing_ at me?”

Sure enough, the next thing he knew, Cas was _giggling_. “I’m sorry, Dean. It’s just so funny when you try not to curse and you just do it more. It’s as though you go down the list of swear words until you run out.”

Dean noted that even Cas’ manner of speaking had become more relaxed around him. He actually used contractions now. He didn’t use slang, but he used less antiquated words than he used to. Dean smiled, as Cas’ laughter finally slowed.

“You little fucker,” Dean whispered deliberately because he knew it would probably set Cas off again. He wasn’t disappointed. Cas laughing was one of his favorite things, even when the laughter was directed at him.

Cas fell asleep pretty quickly after that, but Dean lay awake. He had told Cas his secret to make him feel better about his own, but he was afraid it was a mistake. He had a hard enough time keeping Cas at an emotional and physical distance as it was. Now he knew for sure that Cas liked guys—and Cas knew _Dean_ liked guys. It was bound to be an issue.

Just as Dean had feared, admitting that they were both attracted to men made things more difficult between them over the next few days. Specifically, it made it harder for Dean to remember that they could only be friends. Now that he’d confessed that he was gay, Cas seemed less weighed down and it made him even more attractive and good to be around.

The worst, though, was when Cas would look at Dean that certain way, with his wide shining eyes full of obvious warmth. There was no more telling himself that it was just friendly affection, that Cas didn’t see Dean that way. Dean could no longer even pretend there was the possibility that Cas was straight.

Cas was, however, still Amish. And the plain people did not allow homosexuality. Cas would never stop being Amish, Dean was sure. So getting involved with him was a sure fire way to get his heart broken but good. Dean couldn’t. And it made life hard.

It was better and worse when Sam was there. Better because Dean had another focus and it was easier not to let himself give in to affection when Sam was around. Worse because despite those things, Cas was great with Sam and seeing them together made Dean’s affection for the dark haired boy grow unchecked while he was focused elsewhere.

When Sam left, Dean was always sad. It wasn’t as bad as the first time, but it still made him vulnerable. And that’s how, when they were back in the dorm, having their standard evening snack together, Dean found himself standing too close to Cas when they stood up. He’d noticed some chocolate on Cas’ chin and had unthinkingly reached out to smudge it off with his thumb.

When his hand came down, Cas licked his lips and Dean found himself unable to look away from his mouth for a span of time that lasted too long. Cas’ eyes were huge and watchful, nervous rather than scared. He wasn’t stepping back, though. Or ending the moment. And Dean, for the life of him, couldn’t find it in himself to break the spell they were both under.

Dean felt himself leaning forward, eyes locked with Cas’ own gaze. His hand came up to cup Cas’ face in his palm and then his eyes slid shut. He unerringly found Cas’ mouth with his own, pressing their lips together in a second that felt like a horse galloping in his chest. His heart was racing and he couldn’t hear and his face was hot, but he noticed none of it. Those thick pink lips under his own were the only thing he knew for one white hot moment of time.

Then Cas was jerking back and stepping away and Dean’s lips and hand were empty.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—I have to—we _can’t_ ,” Cas sputtered in a whispered rush as he fled the room.

For the first time since Dean had come to the community, Cas slept in another room.

\----

Castiel enjoyed Sam’s visit immensely. Sam was much less confusing to be around than Dean, though Castiel could not say he preferred Sam to Dean in any way aside from that. However, Castiel got along well with Sam and enjoyed the same sorts of books and he was a nice distraction from Castiel’s unwelcome feelings for Sam’s older brother.

Ever since he had confessed his attraction to men rather than women, Castiel had felt even more awkward around Dean. He’d thought it might help him to be able to admit it to someone—and it had—but it also made the fact that Cas had those feelings for _Dean_ that much harder to ignore.

Having Sam around was really helping, though, since the younger boy acted as a good buffer between them. It was much easier not to engage in longing looks when there was a constant witness to whatever they did. Sam was getting more at ease with Cas, too and had starting joking with him in a similar fashion to the way he teased Dean.

“This book is so cool, Cas!” Sam enthused at breakfast on his last day. “Thanks again. I can’t wait to take it back home and read it.” He smiled shyly. “It’s gonna look great on my shelf, too.”

Castiel smiled indulgently. “Hopefully one day you will have many books on many shelves, Sam. I hope you enjoy reading that one.”

“So, when you go out into the world and stuff, do you, um…” Sam dropped his eyes back to his oatmeal. “Do you think maybe you could come visit me?”

Cas’ smile widened, touched by the request. He felt tears prickle in his eyes and he nodded to give himself a moment to get under control before speaking. “If it is all right with the Campbells, then I would like that very much, Sam.”

“Cool,” Sam said with a grin. “Now I just have to convince _Dean_ to visit me more.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Sammy, didn’t you know it isn’t _cool_ for me to hang out with my snotnosed kid brother?” he teased, ruffling Sam’s hair. Then he grinned. “I’m gonna be around more, I promise. If he’ll still have me, I’m gonna take that job with Bobby and maybe move in there, too.”

“Yeah?” Sam asked, obviously very excited. “That’s great, Dean! Bobby will let you work there, I know it.”

“I hope so,” Dean said cautiously. “I might get my own apartment, though. Don’t know if I could take living with him.”

Sam and Dean both looked sad as Sam nodded and Castiel wondered why the idea of living with Bobby made them feel that way. He didn’t want to pry, however. He wondered where he himself would live when he was out among the English, but he didn’t mention that, either.

“I am sure you will do well, whatever you choose, Dean,” Castiel offered quietly. “You have shown yourself to be hardworking, talented and smart during your stay here. I believe your days of ‘juvie’ are over.”

Dean looked uncomfortable, until Sam said, “They’d better be! They are, aren’t they, Dean?”

Then Dean smiled. “Yeah, Sammy. I’m done with all that.” He made eye contact with Castiel then. “And thanks, Cas. That means a lot.”

“So what are we doing today?” Sam asked.

They had already done their milking, and Cas listened with half an ear as Dean explained their other chores. Sam didn’t need to help, of course, but he enjoyed it and so Dean got extra done whenever Sam was around. However, Cas suspected that the people of the village lightened Dean’s load on the Sundays when Sam was around, in order to give him time with his brother, but he couldn’t prove it.

No one was supposed to play favorites, particularly with Englishers, but Castiel knew both the Winchesters were well-liked. He’d had the leftovers of Gerda’s best pie in his icebox often enough to know that. The plain folk were going to miss the boys when they left to go back into the world. Cas tried not to think about how he himself would feel.

He went to church while they did their chores and then met them again for lunch. With Dean’s help, it was getting easier to make his own choices about things, at least when it came to activities. He went into town frequently, though usually not on Sundays. He decided to spend the afternoon finishing the wooden bookmark he was making for Sam. He thought he could get it done before it was time for the younger boy to leave.

He sat in a rocking chair on the front porch to work and quickly lost all track of time. He was almost done when he saw Sam, alone, walking back to the dorm from the direction of the kitchens. He waved and went back to his whittling. He had finished the final cuts and was starting on sanding when Sam reached the porch.

“Hey, Cas!” he called from the bottom of the steps.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas replied with a smile, still intent on his work.

“Gerda still needed Dean, but he sent me back to pack.” Sam climbed the steps, but went no farther. “So, you’ll really come visit me, right?”

Cas looked up and gave Sam his full attention, smiling reassuringly. “Of course, I will, Sam. I promise.”

“Ok, good. And what about, you know, after rumspringa? Will you ever be able to come visit again? Or will I be able to come here?” He was watching his feet scuff the porch instead of Cas now.

“I will still be able to come and visit you, though not as frequently. In order for you to visit here, we would need to get special permission, but I don’t think that would be a problem.” Cas looked critically at his work before he deemed it finished. “Here, Sam. This is for you. It’s a bookmark,” Castiel told him, holding the thin, carved wood out to him.

He was trying desperately to focus on the bookmark he’d just made—and Sam’s reaction to it—and not his own feelings about the questions Sam had just asked him. He didn’t want to think about the end of Dean’s time in the community, let alone the end of his rumspringa. Jacob had been so right about how much things could change.

He hadn’t even wanted to start rumspringa—now he couldn’t bear to think of it ending. Because the end of it meant the end of seeing Dean more than maybe once or twice a year. He was having a hard enough time coping with the idea of not seeing Dean everyday when his time here was done.

When Sam was done making appreciative noises and thanking him profusely, he threw his arms around Castiel’s neck and hugged him. Cas was surprised, but he closed his eyes and hugged back just as fiercely. He cared about Sam, and he would miss him. He opened his eyes to see that Dean was nearing the porch.

“I’m not sure Cas can still breathe there, Sammy,” Dean teased, but there was a question in his eyes.

“Cas made me a bookmark, look!” Sam said excitedly, which cleared Dean’s confusion. Sam let go of Castiel at last in order to go and show Dean the piece of wood. Sam joked, “I think it might be even cooler than your necklace!”

“That’s not possible,” Dean teased back with a grin at Cas. “But it is pretty damn cool.” He flinched. “Darn cool. Pretty _darn_ cool.” Then he smacked Sam’s shoulder lightly. “Did you thank him?”

“Yes, Dean,” Sam said in a monotone, as if Dean were very slow. “I’m not a little kid, you know.”

Dean chuckled and Castiel smiled. “He did thank me, Dean. First thing. I am glad you both like it. Sam, you’d better go get packed, though. I’m afraid I delayed him,” he confessed to Dean.

“I think his, uh, parents can wait a minute, if he’s not ready. Awesome handmade gifts take precedence over punctuality, in my book,” Dean said evenly.

Soon after, Jacob arrived and Cas went to sit in the wagon to allow them a few moments for a private goodbye. Evidently, it was a good one because they were both grinning when they got to the wagon. The ride to the end of the road was much less somber than the first time.

When Sam got out, he called back, “Let me know how tomorrow goes, Dean!” before he was off to his parents’ car.

“I will, Sam, don’t worry!” Dean called back.

“It is hard to believe it is already time for us to head to court. It will be good to see Rufus,” Jacob said as he turned the wagon around.

Dean barked a laugh behind them. “For you, maybe. Not sure he’ll be all that happy to see me.”

Jacob gave a small smile. “He will be pleased by how you’ve acted since you’ve arrived here, Dean. Of that I can assure you.”

“You think? He seems like a harda- hard guy to please.”

“I’ve known Rufus a long time. He knows I do not lie or give praise where none is due. He will believe my positive report. I am pleased with how well you have acclimated and the way you have behaved.” Jacob cast a look over his shoulder. “If I am pleased, so will he be.”

Jacob pulled the wagon to a stop outside the dormitory, then turned to face Dean more directly. “A few young men have come through here and most were able to do well enough that they did not have to return to a detention facility. I would say, however, that I speak for everyone who has interacted with you when I tell you that you have outshone them all.”

“Thank you, Jacob,” Dean said quietly. “You guys have been really good to me. I like it here.”

“We are enjoying having you with us,” Jacob said. “I will see you promptly at 6:45 in the morning,” he told Dean as he and Castiel climbed out of the wagon.

“Goodnight, Jacob!” Dean called.

Castiel waved and followed Dean inside. He and Dean passed the time easily enough. Gerda had sent supper back with Dean earlier, so he cooked it for them. Then they read and talked a bit before their hot chocolate ritual. Everything was going well until they stood up.

The instant Dean rubbed his thumb across Castiel’s face, Cas stopped breathing. That patch of skin felt separate from the rest of him. A bit like when he used to catch beetles and let them crawl across his palm, but without the sense of wrongness. Just a tingling awareness of... _something_. The touch was too intimate, their faces too close together.

When Dean’s whole hand touched him, he thought he might melt to it with the heat of their skin. He watched Dean fall toward him in a daze. He knew what was about to happen, but was powerless to stop it. He didn’t _want_ to stop it, for all that he knew he should.

Dean’s mouth made him feel things he’d never felt before. He’d never kissed anyone before. He had no idea it felt like this. The warmth and the longing and the need to get closer. Then he thought about what would happen if the curtains were open enough for anyone to see.

Reality crashed down on his head and he shoved at Dean, harder than he meant to, and mumbled an apology he was not even sure was in English as he rushed away. He stood in the bathroom for a moment, taking deep, shuddering breaths, as he tried to regain control of himself. He knew as he stood there that he could not spend the night in the same room as Dean tonight.

He came out of the bathroom and went straight to the bedroom to grab his night clothes and his pillow. It was only as he went to get into bed that he realized he’d only grabbed the blanket and not a sheet. The wool would not feel pleasant against his skin, but he didn’t want to go back out and risk running into Dean. He’d still been in the kitchen when Cas had gone out before.

Despite knowing that this was for the best, Castiel could not sleep. He’d grown so used to Dean’s calming presence a few feet away. That wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. He couldn’t _get_ used to it. He couldn’t keep Dean. He couldn’t even have him in the way that he wanted him. His heart ached. He longed to go into the bedroom and kiss Dean again.

Instead, he rolled with his face to the wall, wrapping himself in the itchy blanket and willing himself to sleep. Long before his mind finally gave in to exhaustion, Castiel realized that he was falling in love with Dean.

The next morning, Dean was already gone to do the milking when he woke up. That was a rare occurrence, indeed. At least he would be gone for a large part of the day and Cas wouldn't have to cope with the awkwardness that would be between them. Perhaps by the time Dean returned, he would know what to do.

For the time being, he set to making an easy breakfast for the two of them. Dean had a big day ahead, so he needed to eat something substantial. Castiel had watched him make eggs often enough that he thought he could manage it. He stuck with that and toast.

Dean was surprised to see him when he walked in from milking. He was even more surprised by the food Castiel was plating up. Dean started to grab the apple juice, but Cas pointed to show him there was coffee. Dean put the juice back and got coffee cups.

“Looks good, Cas. Thanks,” he said as he sat down at his usual place.

“It’s a big day. I didn’t want you to be hungry,” Castiel told him softly, staring at his plate. He stopped to ask the blessing before picking up his fork.

Dean closed his eyes, making a face Cas could not interpret, but it looked pained. “That was really thoughtful, man.”

After a few minutes of nothing but forks clinking on plates and awkward throat-clearing, Dean finally burst out with, “I’m sorry about kissing you. I was out of line. Please don’t be mad, okay?”

Castiel felt something tight inside him unwind. Dean thought he was angry with him? He blew out a breath. “Dean, I’m not upset with you. I let you kiss me. I did nothing to stop you. I believe I even kissed back.” He sighed as he reached for his coffee. “I should not have done. It was... ill-advised to let it happen.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have -”

“Dean, you are not under the same societal constraints as I am. You’ve done nothing wrong. If anything, I feel I misled you by letting you follow through on your impulse.” He stared at his forkful of eggs, lacking any desire to put it into his mouth. He wanted his mouth back against Dean’s, but it couldn’t be. He had to put those thoughts out of his head.

“No, I knew you wouldn’t want to act on the whole attracted to men thing. I know how strong your beliefs are.” Dean also picked at his food. “I just couldn’t seem to make myself stop. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met and…” He shook his head. “Anyway, I’m sorry, Cas. Won’t happen again. I know it _can’t_ happen again.”

Cas put his fork of eggs down, still untouched. “No,” he agreed. “It definitely can’t. But... I am not sorry that it did.” He looked at Dean, though it was difficult. “That was... my first kiss.” He dropped his eyes and turned back to his eggs. “I never expected to have one.”

Dean actually smiled at that. “Yeah? Good. That’s... that’s good. I’m glad.” He finished his breakfast quickly after that. “I better get ready. Jacob’s gonna be here any minute.”

“May I go with you today?” Cas surprised himself by asking. He certainly hadn’t planned on it ahead of time.

Dean froze in the act of rising, eyebrows climbing into his hairline. “Uh... if it’s okay with Jacob, it’s great by me. You really want to?”

Castiel nodded quickly. “Yes. Yes, I would like to very much.”

Jacob had no problem with the arrangement. He took them to the road in the wagon and after a few minutes a taxi arrived to drive them into the city. Castiel had never been this far from the community before, preferring to visit the small town that was only a few minutes away rather than venture into the city.

Jacob sat up front with the driver, so that none of them had to be cramped in the middle of the back. Castiel spent a large portion of the trip staring out his windows at the scenery going by—he had never been in a car going this fast, so it was an unusual experience for many reasons—but Dean also occasionally pointed out things and made small talk with him.

Cas was in awe of the large buildings when they finally reached the city. He was more afraid than he wanted to admit. He hoped this trip would help him be less terrified when he actually had to live in this busy, noisy place. They were let out in front of a courthouse and the boys had to wait while Jacob paid the driver and arranged for him to return later.

The throng of people was unsettling for Castiel, but it wasn’t so bad with Dean by his side. He wasn’t sure how he was going to deal with it when he was all on his own. Dean looked stiffer than normal, out here among “his” people. Cas gave him a questioning look.

“Are you nervous?” he asked.

“Nah. I mean, a little, but mostly it’s just weird being back here at the courthouse, you know? Lots of bad memories. Last time wasn’t so bad, but…” Dean shook his head as Jacob came toward them.

“Shall we?” Jacob said, leading the way.

Castiel noticed how Dean seemed to draw into himself while at the same time trying to appear tougher and angrier than Cas knew him to be. When they were in the courtroom and Dean stood before the bench, waiting for the judge to sit, Cas could see a new element to his posture. Castiel wasn’t sure, but he thought Dean was trying to make sure the judge found him sympathetic.

Jacob had instructed Castiel to take bench in the back of the courtroom and he watched the proceedings from there. Cas wondered exactly how many times Dean had been before a judge. He knew it had to have been quite a few. He hoped this time was a better experience for him.

Castiel listened while Judge Turner and Jacob Davidson spoke and then while Dean was allowed to speak for himself. Cas warmed with Dean’s words about his experience in the community. He was also happy with all the compliments and praise Jacob had given Dean. The judge did not show a great deal of emotion, but he seemed pleased by the words of both men.

He said he saw no reason to adjust Dean’s terms and that he would see him again in another month. To Cas’ surprise, he asked Jacob to meet him in chambers and Jacob told them to wait in the hallway for his return. As they walked out, it occurred to him that Jacob _had_ mentioned they were old friends. He supposed it wasn’t that strange.

“That seemed to go well,” Castiel said when they took a seat on a bench in the hallway.

Dean was much more relaxed and himself now. “Yeah, it went great. Jacob said some really nice stuff.”

“Nothing that wasn’t true,” Cas observed, looking around at the decor of the building. He didn’t notice at first that Dean was looking at him oddly.

“You agree with all that stuff he said?” Dean asked quietly.

Cas frowned. “Of course I do. I told you yesterday what I thought of you, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah, but he said I’d changed your life for the better and, like, you know, the thing last night…” Dean stared at his feet, face pinking with embarrassment.

“Dean, I told you I wasn’t sorry that happened,” Cas said, confused.

Dean nodded, but he didn’t look up. “I know. I just... I don’t want things to be weird between us. You’re, like, my best friend, you know? And you’ve made my life a _lot_ better and... the last thing I want is to screw that up.”

Cas didn’t know where this was coming from. He’d thought they had settled this earlier. He hastened to reassure Dean, regardless. “Dean, you are also my best friend. I don’t want anything to be awkward, either. It does not have to be.” He fidgeted and stood up. “We just have to avoid the sort of physical proximity when we are alone that can lead to trouble.”

Dean took in a fast, deep breath. “What happens when rumspringa is over, Cas? It’s gonna be like Jacob and Judge Turner, isn’t it? Where we can only see each other a couple times a year or something?” He scratched his nose, keeping his eyes on the floor. “I mean, when he called him back there, it just got me thinking, you know? Like, here Jacob was, excited to come to freaking juvenile court because it meant he got to see his friend he hardly sees.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I dunno, just kind of depressing.”

“It isn’t something I like to think about, but yes, I’m afraid I will not be able to visit often. You will probably be permitted to visit the community, but I do not know how frequently they will allow it.” Castiel’s frown deepened. Now he understood why Dean was troubled, but he wasn’t happy about it.

Before any more could be said, Jacob came out into the hallway. He directed them outside, where they found their taxi just pulling up to the curb. Once inside the cab, he instructed the driver to take them back and settled into silence. Cas resigned himself to a quiet ride back, but Dean surprised him.

“I used to live over there,” he told Castiel, pointing to a modest little brick house. “And I used to play baseball in that field there, see?”

He pointed out a few more places and they talked a little about the spots he’d mentioned, but then it got quiet again. Not long after silence fell once more, though, Dean slid his notebook over to Cas, with a message written on it.

We’ll make it work, Cas. Letters, visits... phone calls?

Cas smiled and nodded. It wasn’t perfect, but it felt better having a plan to make the best of it when Dean was gone. Now if he could just keep his heart in check while Dean was still around, everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, what am I gonna do when I'm not posting something every day and every Wednesday and getting comments from you guys? Good thing I have like 100 other things I haven't posted yet ~~and only most of them are unfinished heh~~ ♥


	7. Good times and pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My wife is trying to tell you that, if you would be agreeable to it, we would like you to come and live with us when you leave here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *schmoops all your faces*

Dean did his best to put the kiss far out of his head. He’d never intended for it to happen and he was not willing to risk his friendship with Cas over a second one—no matter how mindblowingly good the first one was. The morning after it happened had been one of the worst for Dean in recent memory—since he’d left juvie to go live with Cas in the first place.

Court had churned up all sorts of feelings in him—most of them bad—but it had instilled in him a determination to keep on the right path this time. Standing there in front of the judge had been hard, as always, but hearing the things Jacob said about him solidified his desire to do something better with his life than he’d done so far.

Cas already made him want to be better—he’d wanted it even before he got this chance, really. Yet having a man he did not really know stand in front of the judge and praise him, knowing that Cas was only a few feet away, championing him... that made him want to be his _best_. Dean had not expected all the things Jacob had had to say. Emotionally, they had been words he had needed to hear for a long, long time.

Afterward, he was more determined than ever to set things right with Cas, once and for all. He needed Cas’ friendship like he needed food. He wasn’t going to give it up without fighting for it. Not even when they were trapped in separate worlds. He was glad when Cas expressed his interest in doing the same.

Once they were back, he had no immediate chores to attend after lunch. Castiel wanted to go to the bookstore again and Sam was still in school. Dean decided it was as good a time as any to call Bobby. He needed to let him know how things were going, anyway, but Dean was also a bit lonely and missed the old guy, too.

“Hey, Bobby, it’s me. How’s it going?” he asked when Bobby gave his standard gruff greeting.

“Hey, boy. How’s that Amish town treating you? You getting to come home anytime soon?” Dean could tell Bobby was glad to hear from him—and that the older man missed him, too.

“It’s treating me really good, Bobby. I gotta stay here a couple months still, but I had court today and it went great, so I think I should be clear after that.” He was happy to have good news to report for a change.

“Yeah? That’s good to hear, Dean. They must like you up there,” Bobby said with a chuckle. “Rufus Turner is hard to please.”

“Don’t I know it. He’s friends with Jacob Davidson, though, so his opinion holds a lot of sway, I guess? And Jacob said some really nice things about me.” The words felt strange on his lips. Those sorts of things didn’t happen to him. It was weird to say it out loud.

Bobby barked a laughed. “I been friends with Rufus Turner for decades and he won’t listen to a single word I say! I like this Davidson, though. Sounds like he knows what’s what. Always did try to tell you that you were a good kid, boy,” Bobby reminded him gruffly. “Not that you ever listened any better than Rufus, pigheaded moron that you are.”

Dean found himself grinning. Bobby really was one of a kind. “Yeah, I like you, too, old man,” he teased.

Bobby made a noise that might have been another laugh. “You call me again soon, Dean. Take care of yourself.”

Once he got off the phone, he decided he would go and get some apples from the tree behind the dorm. They’d only just started ripening this week and he thought he might try to make a pie. He’d learned enough from Gerda that he thought he could tackle it on his own. Since Cas was gone and he wasn’t busy, it seemed like the perfect time.

He was just taking it out of the oven when Cas arrived back from town. He came immediately into the kitchen, confusion evident on his face.

“Dean? Are you making pie?” he asked. “It smells incredible.”

Dean beamed as he set the hot tin onto the kitchen windowsill. “Not making, already made. I think it’s going to be good, too. Crust looks right, pretty sure the filling’s gonna be good, too.”

“Would you like to have supper here, so we can eat it while it’s still warm?” Cas asked, setting his purchases on the table.

Dean frowned. “Is it supper time already?”

Before Cas could answer, the dinner bell sounded, alerting them that it was indeed time. Dean shrugged and smiled. “Yeah, I guess so. You okay with that?”

“Of course. Though I hate for you to have to make dinner after you already baked,” Cas admitted.

“Nah, I don’t mind. I need the practice for when I live on my own, right? Let’s see,” he said, searching through the icebox. “How hungry are you? I could make grilled cheese, if you’re pretty hungry, but if you’re not, I could bake this chicken Mam sent down?”

“Chicken sounds good,” Cas told him.

So Dean readied the bird and popped it into the oven. Then he and Cas went into the living room so that Cas could show him all the things he bought—or quite possibly traded for, Dean didn’t ask. When Cas finished showing him things, though, Dean could tell there was still something in the bag.

“What’s that?” he asked, curious.

Cas hurriedly clutched the bag to himself. “It’s personal. I’d rather not share it with you, Dean. I’m sorry.”

Dean was still curious, but Cas was allowed his secrets. He just smiled and shook his head. “It’s cool, Cas. That book about the pirates sounded really interesting,” he told him, effectively changing the subject.

“Yes, I thought so, too. I actually thought I would give it to Sam when I’m done. He expressed an interest in pirates during one of our conversations. You can read it first, if you like,” Cas offered.

“Yeah? Cool. Sam really digs books on small societies and cultures. I’m surprised he hasn’t driven you crazy with questions about the Amish yet, to be honest,” Dean confessed.

Cas smiled. “He has asked a fair number of questions, but I don’t mind his natural curiosity. He soaks up information like a sponge on so many things, doesn’t he?”

Dean grinned. “That’s Sammy, all right. Info-sponge. I’m gonna have to remember to call him that.” Then Dean snapped his fingers. “Oh, you know, I should probably go ahead and call him. I told him I’d let him know how it went today. I should be back before it’s time to check the chicken, but if I’m more than a half hour, will you make sure it’s not overcooking?”

Dean barely waited for Cas’ nod before he was heading out to use the phone. He hoped Sam was done with dinner, but the phone was already ringing now. He also hoped it was Sam who picked up this time, but it hardly ever was, even though he knew they had caller ID and must know the number by now.

“Hey, Dean!” Sam said when he picked up, confirming the caller ID assumption. “How did it go today?”

“It went great, Sammy. I still gotta be here another couple of months, but that’s cool. Jacob was... man, he said some really nice things about me. It was nice, you know?” He didn’t feel the least bit self-conscious confessing these things to his brother. Sam knew him pretty well.

“That’s awesome, Dean! I knew you’d do good, though. I’m proud of you, you know.” This last bit was said more quietly than the rest and Dean knew he meant it.

“Thanks, Sam. I’m proud of myself, for once,” he admitted.

“Oh, hey, do you think it would be okay if I came back this coming weekend instead of next? We’ve got relatives or something next weekend and mom told me to find out.” Sam sounded wary, but Dean didn’t mind at all.

“I’ll check with Jacob and Cas, but I don’t see why not.”

“Okay, good. I was afraid you’d be mad,” Sam confessed.

“Mad about what? That I get to see you two weekends in a row? Don’t be an idiot,” he teased. “Oh, hey, guess what? I made a pie! Shit, I guess I better go back and get some while it’s still warm.” He was enjoying talking to his brother, but... warm pie.

Sam just laughed at him. “Dude, it’s cool. I got homework left to do, anyway. Let me know about this weekend. I love you.”

“I will. Love you too, dork,” Dean joked before hanging up.

Dean hurried back to the dormitory at a run—only to find that Cas had moved the pie back to the top of the stove so that it would stay warm. Dean was touched. No matter how many thoughtful things Cas did, they never ceased to make him smile and feel good. It didn’t help him keep his distance, of course, but he wouldn’t trade Cas’ personality for anything.

“Would you like to have dessert before dinner, Dean?” Cas asked knowingly.

Dean grinned. “Why not?

So Cas got plates and forks, while Dean got cheese and a knife. Then he got the still-warm tin and placed it on the table, cutting them each a generous slice. Cas protested that his piece was too much, but Dean ignored him and plopped it on his plate. He really hoped it was as good as it looked.

After having that thought, he made Cas wait while he tasted it. He didn’t want Cas to taste it if it wasn’t good. He forked up a bite and slid it into his mouth, prepared for the worst. Then relief and pleasure washed through him as he realized that the pie was not only acceptable, it was actually really, really good.

“Taste it, Cas,” he urged, nibbling at a wedge of Mam’s cheddar. The combination was delicious. “And eat a bite of cheese with it.”

Cas ended up eating nearly every crumb, despite his protests of too much. Thankfully, both of them were still hungry for the chicken whose glorious aroma was filling the kitchen. Cas insisted on carving it, since Dean had cooked and sliced up the pie. The meal was delicious as well, Dean thought, and he was happy to know his cooking skills were so improved.

“Man, my time here is really working out, Cas. I mean, when I’m living on my own, I’m still gonna have decent food. That’s kind of a relief, knowing I can cook.” Then he made a face, as he realized that Cas still could not—though he was getting a little better, as breakfast had proven.

“You have helped me get better at it, as well,” Cas assured him, as if sensing Dean’s discomfort. “If you will continue to tutor me with it, I am sure I will be able to make a few passable meals at least before I go and live out there for three months.”

He said it nonchalantly, but Dean could tell how much the prospect still scared him. An idea came to him then and he was afraid to voice it, but he couldn’t _not_ ask, now that he’d thought of it. It was just so good on so many levels. He was surprised he hadn’t thought of it before.

“Hey, Cas? You can feel free to say no. I won’t be mad or anything.” Mad, no. Sad, yes. “I was just wondering if, after I get released and it's time for you to start your time in the city... would you want to get an apartment together?” Before Cas could say anything, he rushed ahead. “I mean, I want to get my own place, anyway, and I'll need two bedrooms for when Sam stays. So, since you really just need a place for three months, you could sleep in the other bedroom and—”

“I believe I would like that, Dean,” Cas interrupted quietly. Then he set aside his fork for a second. “However, perhaps I should think about it first before I give you a definite answer?”

Dean felt light-headed, but in a sort of good way. He thought Cas would probably agree and leaving here suddenly felt like an even happier prospect for the future than it had before. He nodded.

“Yeah, Cas, sure, no problem. Just take your time. We have two months, right?” he told him with a smile that belied his impatience. “Oh, hey, Sam asked could he come back this weekend instead of next. You think Jacob will have any problem with that? Do you mind?” He forked up more chicken and ate it, trying to calm his nerves.

“I do not foresee a problem with Jacob. I certainly don’t mind. I welcome your brother’s visits. He is a pleasure to be around.” Cas’ said it matter-of-factly, as if he didn’t know how much it meant to Dean for Cas to care about Sam.

“He is, right? I had some other friends before... not good friends, obviously, but... they weren’t real nice to Sam. I’m glad you get along with him.” He didn’t look up from his plate, but he could feel Cas’ eyes on him.

“I’m sorry you previously had uncultured friends with poor taste,” Cas said drily. “Sam is kind and smart and funny.” Cas dropped his gaze to his own plate then. “He takes after his brother, I think,” he added quietly.

Dean used humor against the moment, even though Cas’ praise made him want to lay the words in a pile, so he could curl up and roll around in them like a happy puppy. “I think you forgot devastatingly handsome, though,” he told Cas with an exaggerated wink before batting his eyelashes.

Cas surprised Dean by actually snorting. It evidently surprised even Cas because his eyes went wide and he laughed even harder. Dean kept his face deadpan, which just made Cas laugh that much more. Dean was enthralled with the sight and the sound and he wanted to keep it going as long as possible.

“Dammit, Cas,” Dean said, mostly because he knew that swearing was always good for a laugh from his normally-somber friend. “I am a really good-looking guy!” After he said it, he made a face, with crossed eyes and his tongue stuck out. When he could see again, Cas had doubled over and was waving at him to stop, tears streaming out of his eyes. No sound was even coming out now, except breathy chuffs.

“Whatever,” Dean continued in mock offense. “I’m going to take a bath, so I can wash off the scent of your bitter betrayal.”

Cas tried to calm himself, but it didn’t work. He just waved Dean away, face red. Dean rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. It really hadn’t been all that funny, but it must be one of those hysterical things. Dean would take it as a win, regardless.

\----

Before Dean knew it, Sam was back again. To his surprise, things with Cas hadn’t been awkward at all after that first day. They’d gone right back to how they’d always been and Dean was grateful. He needed this friendship. This part of it was only temporary, but he needed it to go well, anyway.

“Hey, Sammy!” Dean called as he hopped out of the wagon and stepped toward his brother.

He engulfed him in a huge hug as if they hadn’t just seen each other a few days before. Sam just chuckled and hugged him back equally hard. When he pulled away, Mrs. Campbell was outside the car. She usually just waited for Sam to lean down and hug her these days, so it was surprising. What was more surprising was that she didn’t move toward Sam, but instead came up to Dean.

“Dean, my husband and I have been talking and Sam has told us how well you are doing here. He says you’re going to take a job with Bobby when you get out?” she asked with a searching look.

Dean wasn’t sure where this was going, but he nodded. “Yeah, that’s the plan. He says I can start anytime, so I think it’s a done deal.”

She nodded and smiled. “We’re glad to hear you’re doing well. Um,” she began then stopped and bit her lip. She looked over her shoulder and Mr. Campbell was walking around the car to place a hand on her shoulder.

“My wife is trying to tell you that, if you would be agreeable to it, we would like you to come and live with us when you leave here.”

To say Dean was a little stunned was like saying Cas’ eyes were kinda blue. He was struck speechless. He had not expected this, at all. He saw the hope on Sam’s face and the idea of living with Sam again was beyond awesome, but…he wasn’t sure he was ready to go back and play domestic family with people he barely knew, even for Sammy. Especially given his history with the Campbells. He finally swallowed hard and found his voice, but it took some effort.

“I kinda thought you guys couldn’t really afford me?” he asked awkwardly, not really sure how to be tactful about it. There were other questions, but he figured that was the easiest to talk about.

Mrs. Campbell smiled and glanced at her husband. “If you’ll be working and can pay for your own clothes and non-essentials, we can easily provide you room and board. We know it’s a big change for you and you would still have your freedom—to a degree.”

“There would be rules,” Mr. Campbell clarified, “but you would be able to come and go as you please, as long as you let Sam know where you’re going and when you’ll be back. We know how much happier he has been since he’s been able to come and visit you and -”

“We’re sure you’ve been just as happy getting to see him. We thought you might both be happier if you got to do it full-time again,” Mrs. Campbell finished.

“That would be pretty awesome,” Dean conceded. “Can I think about it?”

The Campbells and Sam all smiled. “Of course, Dean,” Mrs. Campbell told him. “Take all the time you need. We know it’s a big decision.” She squeezed Sam. “We should go. You two have a good weekend.”

Dean got back into the wagon in somewhat of a daze, not sure how to deal with the shock of what he’d just been offered. He had never expected that. They had tried him living there for a short time, but he’d overheard them saying he was too much of a strain financially—as well as complaining about his behavior and negative influence on Sam—so he’d skipped out before he got kicked out. Sam had not been happy at all.

As they trundled down the road, Sam could talk about nothing else. “Do you think you’re gonna do it, Dean? I mean, it would be so awesome for you to come back!”

At Cas’ questioning look, Dean explained, “His, uh, parents have invited me to come live with them when my time here is up.” He tried to keep his face neutral.

Cas face registered surprise. He knew all about Dean’s history with them and how they had not been as kind to him as they could have been. Dean tried not to stir trouble with them because they were good to Sam, but ultimately, he didn’t like or trust them. They seemed willing to pretend that nothing had happened between the three of them, but he still remembered it vividly.

“Well. That is a surprising but nice offer,” Cas commented, face impassive.

“Yeah,” Dean said, flicking a smile at Sam. “Yeah, it is. I’m gonna think about it, for sure, okay, Sammy?”

Sam jabbered excitedly all the way back to the house, not requiring any response from Dean, which was just as well. He didn’t want to disappoint the kid, and he really, really would love to see his brother everyday. The kicker was, though, that he really, really did not want to live with the Campbells again.

When the wagon stopped, Jacob turned and said, “Hold a moment, Dean. I would speak with you privately.”

Dean nodded, then Cas and Sam got out. When they were far enough away that they couldn’t overhear, Jacob turned around in the seat. He looked at Dean for a long moment before he turned to the front again.

“Dean, I do not know what your thoughts are on this suggestion of moving in with the Campbells. However, I can sense from your silence and other responses that it is not as positive an offer for you as Sam seems to think it.” He looked questioningly at Dean.

Dean huffed out a sigh, seeing no reason not to be honest. “No, not really. When I left before, it wasn’t pretty.” He scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “And I know I screw up a lot, but it wasn’t all my fault, what happened. They screwed up too, that time.”

Jacob nodded, thoughtfully. “Dean, while I can see the appeal of being with your brother again, I would advise you to think carefully. Placing yourself back into an uncomfortable situation is likely to lead to the temptation to return to your old ways.” His eyes leveled on Dean’s again. “I would not recommend it. The decision remains yours and if you choose to do it, I will not attempt to dissuade you. I simply wanted to give you my advice before you made your decision.”

“Thanks, Jacob. I appreciate it. You actually put into words what I was really afraid of. I’ll keep it in mind.” Awkwardly, he reached out and patted Jacob on the shoulder. The older man’s eyebrows rose slightly, along with the corners of his mouth.

“See you Sunday, Dean,” was all he said.

“Yeah, see you.”

When Dean got into the dorm, Sam and Cas were sitting on the couch together, talking excitedly about the pirate book Cas had just given Sam. Cas’ blue eyes were lit up and Sam’s were equally bright. Dean knew in that instant that Cas had become family. He was someone Dean cared about and wanted to protect. He wasn’t as close to him as Sammy, but he was probably a close second.

Cas was still smiling when he looked up and caught Dean’s eye, gaze softening slightly. That was a thought that Dean filed away for later. Sam looked up, too, but his face remained unchanged. He smiled back at them.

“‘s a really good book, Sam. Cas let me read it. You’re gonna love it. I gotta do the milking and then I’m gonna make supper, I think. Unless you two wanna go down to the kitchens?” he asked.

The other two barely registered that he had spoken, giving him the barest of nods and noncommittal answers. He rolled his eyes, still smiling, and left them to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flings sunshine and rainbows* ♥


	8. So you're in love with your best friend...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Will Sam be incredibly disappointed? I hate to think of him being hurt. I know that is also your concern,” he hurried to add.
> 
> “I think... if I tell him about the apartment, and make sure that I come over to see him a lot... I think he’ll be okay with it. He’s the only reason I even considered it, instead of turning her down right away.” He wiped a hand down his face. “I think I’m gonna take a bath and go to bed. Thanks for, you know, everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief discussion of child abuse

Sam had left again and this time, Castiel noticed that Dean seemed less upset than usual. If anything, Cas thought he almost seemed relieved. It was not hard for Castiel to work out the reason behind his relief, either. Sam had brought up the topic of Dean moving back in with the Campbells at every available opportunity.

“You don’t want to do it,” Cas said without preamble, as soon as they were alone in the dormitory again.

Dean looked at him in mild surprise as he turned around, but he did not try to deny it. “No, I really don’t.” He sighed and sat down, holding his head with his hands. “I love Sam, you know that. And being around him more? That’s what I want more than anything.”

“But the Campbells themselves make you unhappy,” Castiel surmised.

Dean blew out a breath. “Yeah. They aren’t my favorite people. They’re good to Sam, so I give them a pass, but... go back to living with them? I don’t think I can do that, man. Not even for my little brother.”

Castiel frowned and told him, “They should not have asked you in front of him.”

“They didn’t expect me to say anything but yes, I’m sure. They can’t imagine a world where their way isn’t what everyone wants.” Dean smirked and rolled his eyes. “Even though I thought I proved before that I don’t want their way.”

“Will Sam be incredibly disappointed? I hate to think of him being hurt. I know that is also your concern,” he hurried to add.

“I think... if I tell him about the apartment, and make sure that I come over to see him a lot... I think he’ll be okay with it. He’s the only reason I even considered it, instead of turning her down right away.” He wiped a hand down his face. “I think I’m gonna take a bath and go to bed. Thanks for, you know, everything.”

Then Dean was walking down the hall to get clothes from the bedroom. Once he heard the water running, Cas felt it was safe to go and get his books from where he’d hidden them. It was really only the one that he hadn’t wanted Dean to see, but he figured it was easier to just hide them both.

He doubted if Dean had any interest in “The Gay Christian: Balancing Faith and Sexuality,” but he was sure Dean would understand the significance of “In Love with My Best Friend (How to Cope When There’s No Hope).” For the moment, he left the best friend book in its hiding place.

He started reading and was so engrossed in the text that he didn’t hear Dean get out of the tub or walk down the hall. He jumped when Dean spoke to him from the doorway, though from being startled rather than from embarrassment.

“Why’d you think you had to keep your book a secret? You think I would judge you or something?”

Cas sighed. “No, Dean.” He hesitated. “This is not the book I didn’t want you to see.”

Dean’s face cleared. He nodded. “Oh. Okay, then.” He stood there for another minute without speaking. Finally, he asked, “So, is it any good?”

“Actually, yes. It has options. It is a good source of advice not only for people like myself, who wish to remain celibate, but also for people who intend to embrace their sexuality without giving up their faith.” He tilted the book down to see how much he had read so far—just over a third—and then said, “It is quite interesting. You might even enjoy it, even though you have no faith of which I am aware.”

Dean nodded again. “Yeah, maybe I’ll check it out when you’re done. Hey, um... what I asked you before, you know, about living together? No matter what I decide about the Campbells, I still wanna do that, okay? So, I mean, if you decide on that, let me know, all right?”

“Of course, Dean,” Cas told him with a reassuring smile.

Dean smiled back and it actually seemed genuine, if weaker than normal. “Cool. I’m going to bed now.” He turned, but then hesitated. “Unless you want hot chocolate?” he asked over his shoulder, a note of hope in his voice. “I know it’s early, so -”

“I’d like that, Dean. Would you like me to make it?”

Dean turned around, looking relieved. “No, I got it, Cas. You read. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

Cas let himself get involved in his reading again. He vaguely heard the sounds of Dean moving about in the kitchen, but he paid them no mind. He did his best to ignore how accustomed he'd become to Dean in his home with him.

They would need that ease when they lived in the city for 3 months. So it was best to see it as a blessing. He had already decided he wanted to live with Dean, but he wanted to wait to tell him. In case anything happened.

He jumped when Dean's hand landed on his shoulder. Dean immediately withdrew it. "Sorry. I called your name a couple times. Chocolate's ready."

"Oh," Castiel answered, ignoring the tingling Dean's fingers had left on his skin. "I'm sorry. This really is a very good book." Though it had been thoughts of Dean distracting him.

Castiel set his book aside and followed Dean back into the kitchen. He noticed that Dean had placed the bag of marshmallows—which he had asked Cas to pick up on his last trip to town—on the table. Dean had a few of the small white pillows floating in his own mug.

Thoughtfully, he picked up a few and added them to his own mug. It earned him a bright smile from Dean. "You gotta let 'em melt a little bit before you drink, though. It's better that way, trust me."

When the pillows had softened at the edges, Castiel finally took a sip. His brows raised and he smiled at the new depth it had added to the flavor. "I like this, Dean."

"Yeah? Next time maybe we'll try cayenne and cinnamon. It's awesome with the marshmallows or without," Dean assured Cas as he frowned in confusion. “Trust me.”

Castiel frowned more, but covered it with a sip of warm chocolate. He _did_ trust Dean. He did not know that he should trust him as much as he did. The book on sexuality was stirring up all kinds of feelings in him. He needed to read the other one quite badly. Perhaps after Dean went to sleep, he would stay up reading it, even though he was not yet done with the other one.

“Sorry I’m in such a bad mood tonight. The Campbells, all that... it’s just got me thinking about how I ended up here in the first place, you know?” He hesitated with his cup close to his lips. “Not that I regret being here. I don’t. At all. But…” Castiel just looked at him as he finally sipped his drink. “I told you before that I started out breaking the law because Sam needed stuff, right?”

“Yes, you mentioned it, I think. You did not go into details. You do not have to now if you wish, but... if you ever would like to, it is a story I would like to hear.”

He kept his eyes on the table as he talked, then sipped, not wanting to make Dean feel pushed. He had been incredibly curious about Dean's life and had only gotten a smattering of vague statements, but not even enough that he could string together a brief story.

Dean sighed and stretched a foot out to the side of the table. “I can tell you. Not... not about my parents. Not right now. I can tell you the rest of it, though. It’s complicated and not a very happy story and…it probably won’t make me look very good.”

Cas reached out and started to lay a hand on Dean’s, but at the last second put it next to Dean’s. “I will not think less of you, Dean. Your past is part of who you've become and does not change who you are now.”

Dean smiled slightly. “Thanks, Cas. Um... so when they died, I was 14. Bobby didn’t think he was father material. He felt like letting us go into foster care and maybe get adopted was the better choice.” Dean licked his lips and stared into his mug. “He, um, he had a rough childhood. His dad was kind of horrible and Bobby was scared of ending up like him. I didn’t know that at the time. He’s told me since then.”

Dean cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, Castiel acutely aware of everything he did. “So, we went into the system and they put us together, which was a miracle. First house we went to wasn’t bad. People were nice enough, there was plenty of okay food, rules weren’t too strict, but we didn’t get to stay there for long. I forget what happened, if I even knew.”

Dean fidgeted and Cas could tell the next part of the story was bad. He put aside his own worries about being too physical with Dean and placed his hand over Dean’s reassuringly. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, Dean.”

“I do, though,” Dean said, letting out a long sigh. “The next place was bad. Like, really bad. The guy smacked me a few times, but Sammy didn’t see, so I just sucked it up. Then I came home from school one Friday and he was just... he was wailing on Sam with a belt. His back as much as anywhere else.” Dean’s voice cracked, but did not break. His nose and eyes reddened, but he took a moment to compose himself and the tears never fell.

“What did you do? Did you hit the man?” Castiel asked, making an educated guess from what he knew of Dean’s protectiveness toward his brother.

“Y-yeah,” Dean said, nodded and clearing his throat in the middle. “I punched him. Knocked him out. The lady was there, so I just grabbed our shit and some food and money and we took off.” Dean looked miserable, but less like he might cry now. “I rationed the food, so it lasted a few days, but I knew it wasn’t going to last long. I was moving us from abandoned house to abandoned house -”

“You did not wish to stay in one place?” Cas asked, genuinely curious why they would keep moving if they found a roof to sleep under.

“No, not at first. I was more worried about getting caught and plus, if we spent the day walking to the next place, it kept us from sitting around thinking about... anything else.” He scratched his head and stared into his mug of now-cold chocolate. He tossed the rest back quickly and swallowed with distaste.

“Before the food had a chance to run out, I made a choice. I had a little money, but I wanted to save it. So I went to a convenience store that didn’t have security and I put a bunch of shit in my pockets. Power bars mostly. I bought a candy bar to make it look legit.” Dean stared into his empty mug, rolling it between his hands.

“Would you like me to make more?” Cas offered and Dean laughed.

“What I’d like is a beer or something, but no thanks on the chocolate. I appreciate it, though.” He did get up, though, and get himself some milk. Castiel declined his offer. He sipped his cold chocolate, which he rather liked.

“Um, I was scared to call Bobby because I figured he’d turn us in or something,” Dean said as he sat back down. “So we just kept moving for the first week. Sam really wanted to call Bobby then, so I let him, but I wouldn’t let him tell him where we were.”

“Were you angry with him?”

“A little? I felt like he could’ve taken us, kept us out of the system.” Dean shook his head. “If I’d called him and told him what happened, told him where we were, I know now that he woulda taken us in. He wouldn’t have let us go back into care. Then, though, I was just running on fear and anger and a lot of other negative shit.” Dean was so lost in his story, he didn’t even realize he had sworn.

“Is that why you did not take the job when he offered it to you?” Cas guessed.

Dean looked contemplative. “Maybe partly? Mostly, by that point, I was used to living on my own and not having rules and I was mad at everyone. Sam was at the Campbell’s... wait. We’re getting ahead. Let me go straight through, okay?” Cas nodded. “Um, it took about 6 months for me to get busted the first time. We had found this awesome abandoned house way outside town, nothing around for miles, and there were old bikes in the shed, too, so we could get into town.”

Dean’s face was brighter as he told this part of the story. “It was a great place. It wasn’t too run down or anything. There was a mattress left in it and I stole some sheets from a laundromat. Clothes, too.” He frowned, but continued. “There was a well, so we had water. And there were all these places to explore so Sam didn’t get bored, you know? I was taking him to the library too, though, so he was still learning stuff.”

“You took very good care of him, considering your age, Dean,” Castiel told him quietly. “You only stole what you needed because you felt you had no other choice. I do not fault you for that.”

“Yeah, but it’s like a commandment, right? One of those “Thou shalt not’s”?” Dean smiled slightly at that. “Anyway, I was in a hurry one day and I tried to steal from the wrong store. I got sent to juvie, no way to get in touch with Sam to tell him what happened. When I didn’t come home, he came into town and called Bobby.”

“That must have been frightening for you, ending up in what was essentially jail,” Cas said softly.

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. I was mostly worried about Sam that time? So I barely noticed how much it sucked. Anyway, Bobby talked to the judge and got me out pretty fast. First offense, traumatic loss, domestic violence, all that. And he took us back to his place.” Dean looked as upset as when he’d talked about Sam getting beaten now. “I didn’t trust Bobby. Basically any adult at that point. Our parents left, he let us go into foster care, our foster parents were assholes, the store owner was an asshole…”

This time, Dean seemed to realize what he’d said because he glanced up and smiled sheepishly at Cas. “Sorry,” he said, slightly less upset than he was.

Wanting to ease some of Dean’s suffering, Cas shrugged and said, “I don’t give a shit,” as solemnly as he could. He blushed the whole time, but he did not stammer.

Dean belly laughed, eyes lighting up in surprise. “Cas!” he exclaimed when he had his breath back. “Isn’t it, like, against the rules for you to talk like that? Where’d you even learn that phrase?”

Cas smiled and raised one eyebrow. “I learned it from you, Dean. However, I have never quite agreed with the notion that certain words are forbidden. We give the words their meaning, so it is silly to think that God cares about something as trivial as a sound we made up.”

“Well, thanks for making me laugh, anyway.” He stretched and yawned. “I know it’s early, but I’m pretty tired still. You mind if I finish this story some other time?”

“No, of course not. Thank you for sharing this with me, Dean. I am sorry you had to go through so much to end up here, but I am glad you are here.” He smiled at him in what he hoped was merely a friendly way.

Dean smiled back easily enough, but his eyes looked haunted still. “Yeah, Cas. Me, too.” He stood and hovered next to Cas uncertainly. “Um, so goodnight then.”

Castiel hesitated, unsure. “Could I... would it be all right if I gave you a hug, Dean? I know we agreed to -”

“Yeah, Cas, that’d be, uh, okay.”

Cas saw relief on Dean’s face as he stood. He awkwardly pulled Dean in for a hug and was surprised how forcefully Dean hugged back. He tried to mimic Dean for force and duration, so the hug lasted what felt like a long time to Cas. When Dean pulled away, he made sure to keep his face well back from Cas’ own.

“G’night, Cas,” Dean said in a low voice that crackled with emotion. It was not showing on his face, however.

“Goodnight, Dean.” Then Cas remembered his other book. “Oh, um, I need to get something from the bedroom, so I will follow you in there.”

Dean walked down the hall and fell onto his bed face first. “G’night,” he mumbled into his pillow.

Castiel carefully extracted his book from its hiding place and went back into the other room. He sat down and stared at the cover, sighing heavily. Then he cracked it open and found the first chapter:

**So you’re in love with your best friend: What now?**

He read the first few paragraphs, unimpressed. Unfortunately, this book strove to be funny—at the apparent cost of being poorly written and not very informative. At least through the first chapter. Cas was having a harder time concentrating, but he forced himself to continue. He needed advice and quickly. Hopefully there would be something of value in the book.

Four chapters and an hour and a half later, he grudgingly admitted there was not. The book held no value for him whatsoever. Someone out in the English world _might_ find something worthwhile in it, but not even the lesser among them, he thought, deserved the vapid idiocy this book provided.

From what he had gleaned, the best ideas the author had been able to produce for coping with being in love with a best friend who did not return your feelings were to either trick the best friend into having feelings for you—via a series of elaborate schemes—or to find one or more other people with whom to have sexual intercourse. Castiel did not see either of these as viable options. He resisted the temptation to throw the book across the room or into the fireplace.

As he had found no other answers, perhaps he would spend his day tomorrow praying. It certainly could not hurt and it might even bring him some much needed peace.

He took the books to his room and put them back away in his hiding spot, then got ready for bed in the bathroom. He did his best not to think about the things Dean had told him. He would think about it tomorrow. If he dwelled on it tonight, he would never sleep. Still, he watched his friend sleep for a long time before his eyes finally drifted closed.

\----

Dean had a lot to keep him busy and that was for the best. It was too hard to think about what the Campbells wanted and it was too hard to think about Cas and so he was able to throw himself into his work for most of the day and not think at all. He was scared of losing Cas, scared of making Sam angry if he didn’t move in with him, and scared of screwing up again once he got out.

Well. Maybe not that last one. He was pretty sure he was going to make it all right this time. Somewhere along the line, he’d stopped being angry. That was making all the difference. He no longer felt that burning need to lash out. He just wanted things to go well now. He wanted to do the best he could, make everyone—Sam, Cas, Bobby—proud of him.

He pulled himself up short when he realized that what he was doing right now was not, in fact, putting it out of his mind. That it was, in fact, thinking about it. He grumbled to himself and forced his mind onto the task at hand, which happened to be building a table for the Millers.

He had visitation today with a couple of people and he was happy about that. He enjoyed the visiting, anyway, but there was the bonus that Cas still showed up, most of the time. Cas would do that with other chores occasionally—just show up and pitch in, with no explanation—but the visiting was the main one he seemed unable to let go of.

Sure enough, as he was walking to visit old man Enoch, Cas fell into step beside him within a few minutes.

“Do you mind if I join you, Dean?” Cas asked, like he always did.

“Of course not, man. Why would I?” Dean replied, as he normally did.

Cas gave him a small smile and said nothing. Dean wondered what he was thinking about. He wondered if maybe Cas was having as hard a time as he was with their... pull toward each other. Chemistry, whatever it was. It was more than physical and more than personalities. It was... Dean really didn’t know. It was just... bigger, somehow, than the sum of its parts.

A little while later, Dean was marveling at how much Cas had just sort of blossomed in the short time he’d known him. The people they visited had always liked Cas, but now Cas was quietly joking with old man Enoch like he’d always done it. Dean couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, watching Cas. The elder man was also smiling, but if he was surprised by Cas’ newfound social ease, he made no mention of it.

When Cas managed to pull a smile out of the normally taciturn Mrs. Krueger, Dean felt something warm spread out in his chest. As they shared smiles on their walk back to the dorm, Dean wondered with an ache how he was going to let Cas go at the end of his rumspringa. At the moment, he could hardly bear to think of it. Like with many things he didn’t want to think about, he shoved it down inside himself, where it was dark and quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor little babies have been through so much, haven't they? ♥


	9. I Don't Feel No Ways Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean said, “Thanks for…you know, looking into all of that.”
> 
> Cas just smiled his enigmatic little half smile and said nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss you. I just got off a 14.5 hr road trip, so I don't have it in me to be clever.  
> Instead, have some B( o )( o )BS.

Castiel lay awake, listening to the sound of Dean breathing across the room. They’d had their usual hot chocolate together and Cas had been sorely tempted to kiss Dean again. He’d had a dream the previous night that had followed him all day. It had been about Dean, which was no surprise.

He’d avoided him most of the day, but toward evening, he was drawn to him once more and every moment he spent with him, the dream called more strongly to him. It should have faded during the waking hours, but it had been so vivid, so real – and so strongly longed for in reality.

Castiel was having no luck with getting over his feelings for Dean and his own mind was betraying him now, offering him all the things he wanted but dared not think about while he was awake – offering it to him while he slept and could not object.

He continued to pray for answers, but the most encouraging sign he’d had was hearing a gospel song when he was at the Christian book store. It was called “I Don’t Feel No Ways Tired” and it had spoken to Castiel deeply. He believed that his struggles with Dean were for good reason, that all would be revealed. He did not believe he was being tempted by the devil but rather being taught something by the Lord.

Perhaps he only hoped that was the case.

Either way, he lay awake now, fighting off the thoughts that wanted to take over his head. How beautiful Dean had looked in the lamp light. How his laughter and smiles had cast a wholly different light into the room. How those lips had felt beneath Castiel’s own.

What Castiel wanted more than sleep was to steal across the room. To cup Dean’s face in his hand. To press his lips to Dean’s and kiss him awake. To write his love into Dean’s skin with his mouth and fingers. To hold Dean close until the sun broke over the horizon.

But he couldn’t do those things. So instead he lay in the dark, clutching his blanket to him and longing for all the things his people told him were wrong.

“Father, _please_ ,” he whisper-prayed into the quiet room. “Help me.”

\------

When they came to pick up Sam next, Dean knew the Campbells were waiting for an answer. He still wasn’t ready to give one, though. Not because he didn’t know what answer to give, but because he wasn’t ready to disappoint Sam – and Cas hadn’t given him an answer yet, either.

It was Sunday night now and Dean knew he had been brooding since Sam left. Not for the reasons he usually did, though. It was a lot like last time. He realized he never had told Cas the rest of his story. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, but a part of him really did. If only to see if Cas would still see him the same way.

Tonight there was leftover pie and large glasses of milk instead of hot chocolate for their late night snack. Dean laughed a little. In his former life this would barely be late evening for him, but now it was late night? He couldn’t believe he was usually in bed and asleep before 10 most days, but that was the case. Living plain had certainly changed him.

They ate their pie in silence for a few minutes, with Dean trying not to watch Cas – or notice how Cas’ eyes kept stealing over to him. Finally, Dean took a long drink of his milk and a deep breath.

“If you still wanna hear it, I’ll tell you the rest of what happened after I got arrested the first time?”

Cas finished his bite and set down his fork. “I would like to hear it, but only if you want to tell me, Dean.”

“I do, I think. Um, where did I leave off?” he asked, though he thought he knew.

“You were at Bobby’s after your first arrest and you did not trust anyone,” Cas told him solemnly.

“Right. Um, Bobby tried to talk to me, but I was mad and I was embarrassed and ashamed and I just acted like a little shit whenever he tried. I wouldn’t listen and I wouldn’t answer any questions.” Dean’s breathing quickened as he spoke, regret flooding him and threatening to bring on tears.

“You were hurt. You felt like he had betrayed you,” Cas said quietly.

Dean took a deep shuddering breath, nodding. “Yeah. I love Bobby, but when he sent us away…it really hurt. I didn’t get it at the time. I do now. If nothing else, juvie has given me plenty of time for deep thinking and I’ve realized he was trying to do the best he could for us.” He forked up another bite of pie, but he didn’t eat it. “He would have kept us, like I said, but I wasn’t hearing anything he was saying.”

“You ran away again,” Cas guessed, accurately.

Dean grimaced, remembering. “Yeah, and I forced Sam to come with me. I put him back on the streets, man,” he admitted, shaking his head. “I told myself I was protecting him, but I was forcing him to live rough when he didn’t have to.”

“Did you believe you were going to be sent back into foster care?” Cas asked slowly. “The same foster system that led to him being beaten?”

Dean nodded even more slowly, not quite ready to give up his self-flagellation yet. “Yeah, but –“

“Dean, you did what you thought was best. You made a difficult choice and no one could fault you for it except an idiotic system that would rather put you in harm’s way with strangers than leave you caring for each other on your own.” Cas’ voice remained quiet, but it was vehement. He was angry and not at Dean.

Dean nodded again, more easily this time. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. It’s what I thought at the time, anyway. I got busted a few more times, but Sam didn’t try to call Bobby until I got busted in the dead of winter. He couldn’t take care of himself in the cold like that and so he called Bobby again.”

Cas frowned in confusion. “How did he end up with the Campbells? Did Bobby put him back into the system after all?”

“No. Well, not on purpose. Bobby was trying to make sure that we could stay with him, so he contacted social services to work on becoming our legal guardian. Only, they said he wasn’t qualified, since we’d run away already – and because he’d given us up once, too.” Dean’s face twisted into a snarl. “You’re right, Cas. The whole system is fucked.” He shook himself.

“Yes it is,” Cas agreed softly, not even a hint of smile at Dean’s swearing this time.

“So,” Dean continued, blowing out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. “They told Bobby he could basically be a foster parent, but couldn’t be a permanent guardian or adopt us or anything.” Now anger filled Dean’s voice. “And some super helpful Samaritan at CPS –“ At Cas’ confused look, he explained, “Child protective services. Anyway, they put Sam’s name on a list of potential adoptees. Even though he _had_ a home, he was put on a list of boys who needed one.”

“And the Campbells found him on the list?” Cas guessed.

“More or less, yeah. I was in juvie still when it all went down. I was in contact with them both, but…” He shook his head, not wanting to get into the emotional wreck he’d been when he found out Sammy had been taken away from Bobby’s. From _Dean_. “When I got out, I was angrier than ever. I was listening to Bobby, but the Campbells would only let me see Sam under their supervision and I started making worse choices.”

“You kept stealing?”

Dean laughed, but it sounded hollow, even to him. “Oh, I not only kept on stealing, I kicked it up a notch. I started taking cars, breaking into houses – empty ones, where the people were on vacation, but still.”

Dean finished his pie as memories flooded through his brain. It was several minutes before he spoke again, but Cas just finished his own pie and said nothing. “Then Sam begged me to stop. He said he’d talked to the Campbells and they would take me in if I’d promise to behave.”

“You told me what happened there,” Cas reminded him, as if he wanted to spare Dean talking about it again.

Dean’s mouth quirked slightly at one corner. “Yeah, you know that part of the story. Or most of it.” He rubbed his nose, pretending it was allergies and not emotions making it feel runny. “I went to Bobby’s. I finally let him talk. He told me that he’d been planning on letting us stay when I ran away.” He sighed and groaned, getting up to put his dishes in the sink along with Cas’ dishes.

“Dean, you did what you thought was best,” Cas gently told him.

“I know. I know I did, Cas and so did Bobby the first time, but…that doesn’t change that we both fucked things up, right?” Cas dropped his head, no doubt unable to withstand the heat of Dean’s angry gaze. Dean blew out another breath. “I’m not mad at you, Cas. Or even at myself, really. Definitely not at Bobby. Just mad at the whole situation. My parents dying, all the shit the system put us through, the Campbells…all of it.”

Cas stood up awkwardly and came over to put a hesitant hand on Dean’s shoulder in comfort. Dean smiled, even as tears filled his eyes. He laid his hand over Cas’ and they stood there for a long moment. Dean let a couple of tears squeeze out of his eyes before he slowly breathed himself calm again. He sniffed hard and let go of Cas’ hand, which Cas then dropped from Dean’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” Dean said hoarsely. He cleared his throat and sat back down. “So, um, Bobby offered me the job and I was gonna take it and live with him, but…living with him held a lot of memories. When my parents were still around, we stayed with him a lot. And with Sam gone…” Dean shook his head. “Anyway, when my friend from juvie – who really wasn’t much of a friend – told me about this family he knew about that kept a lot of cash and was going on vacation…”

“You ended up here,” Cas finished for him.

Dean smiled again, this time genuinely. “Yeah. Yeah, I need to remember that. All that shit, it ended me up here. And that’s a good thing, right?” He nodded to himself. “Yeah, that’s a really good thing. So I guess I regret my parents dying and disappointing Sammy, but otherwise…I think I’m okay with the choices I made.”

He looked up to see Cas looking at him in wide eyed surprise. Dean smiled more. “Meeting you was worth it, Cas. Best friend I’ve ever had,” he told him sincerely.

Cas smiled brightly, eyes made bluer by the moisture building in their depths. “I am glad you think so, Dean. You are the best friend I’ve ever had, as well.”

Dean went to bed that night feeling warm and happy. For that moment, he didn’t worry about the future. He still had right now and that was good enough for the time being.

\-----

Castiel had searched for more self-help books to address the growing problem of how he felt for Dean. After the first fiasco, he had taken to reading through the first few pages in the store. So far he had found none that he thought worth buying or trading for. He supposed it didn’t matter. Soon enough his rumspringa would be over and Dean would be out in the English world while Cas had to adjust to living plain without him.

It wasn’t something he liked to think about. He’d grown used to having Dean around. There when he woke up, there when he went to bed. Dean often made him breakfast and lunch. Sometimes he even made supper. Dean talked to him about his books and the chores he’d done for so many years. They visited the sick together. They did separate things during the day and came together in the evenings for talk and camaraderie.

It was comforting and painful at once. Castiel knew that, with the single exception of physical affection, they had a relationship much like the one shared by Mam and Pap. They even spoke of their feelings – though never directly – just as Mam and Pap exchanged words of love and devotion. Usually not a day passed that one of them did not say something about how much the friendship meant or how glad they were that Dean was there, that they’d met.

Cas prayed almost constantly now, seeking answers. He still had not given Dean an answer about getting an apartment together, though he knew what he wanted to do. He was only afraid that, without the threat of being caught by someone in the community, he would give in to his desires only to have to give Dean up at the end of rumspringa.

A few days before Sam was supposed to come back again, Dean came to speak with him during their normal reading time.

“Hey, Cas? I know you’re reading, but can I talk to you? I don’t wanna wait till bedtime coz I might not sleep after.”

Cas worried about what Dean might say. Adrenaline rushed through him, making him break out in a cold sweat as he sat up and closed the book he’d been reading.

“Of course, Dean. What did you want to speak of?” _Please don’t talk about your feelings for me_ , he pleaded silently.

“Um, the apartment? I gotta let Sammy and the Campbells know something this weekend and I need to know whether or not you and I are moving in together.” He rubbed his neck the way that he did when he was nervous and Castiel tried not to let it endear Dean to him further. “I, uh, it’s, you know, fine if you don’t want to, I just need to know so I know what to tell Sam.”

“Does my answer to you change your answer to them?” Cas asked.

“No, not really. I’m going to turn them down, I just wanna know what to tell them I’ll be doing instead.” Dean shrugged, trying to look casual, but missing the mark.

Castiel sighed, having not yet made up his mind. “Would it be all right if I tell you tomorrow? I had thought I might ask Jacob whether he thought it was a good idea.” He hadn’t thought of it, but it would buy him a few more hours of time – and it was not a bad idea, now that he’d had it.

“Uh, yeah, that’s cool. Um, just let me know by tomorrow night, I guess?” Dean started to turn away, then asked, “I know it’s early, but do you want some cinnamon toast? I’m kinda hungry for some reason.”

Cas guessed it was nerves, but he didn’t say so. “That sounds nice. Do you need any help?”

“Nah, you go back to your book.”

The next day, Castiel sought out Jacob Davidson, who was carving on his porch again. Cas explained – without mentioning their feelings or attraction for one another, obviously – that Dean had suggested getting an apartment together. Castiel asked if Jacob thought it would be good for him or not to do so.

“I do, Castiel. You have long been trepidatious about this move to the city. I feel that Dean would be very good for you to have around during this time.”

“You think it is all right if I am not by myself?” Cas asked, still worried about things he could not ask Jacob about.

Jacob frowned slightly. “The point of rumspringa is not to isolate you, Castiel. It is to allow you to experience the English way of life. Better to have your introduction be with someone who knows both ways of life than to try to do it alone when you are clearly hesitant to go into the world.”

Cas agreed with that assessment, which was one of the reasons he wanted to say yes to Dean so much. “Thank you, Jacob. You have been very helpful.”

He took a walk then rather than returning straight to the dorm or going out to the town. He needed to clear his mind. He looked at all the nature around him. He would miss the proximity to the trees and the earth when he was in the city, he knew that. Spring was now fully upon them and the land was bursting with color and greenery.

He wondered if he might persuade Dean to walk with him to take in the beauty of the landscape. On the heels of that thought was the realization that he wished it could be the type of walk that the other boys took with girls. The kind of walk filled with hand-holding and long, lingering gazes. The idea of it thrilled him, but he knew it could never be and his thrill immediately turned to melancholy.

Out in the city they had parks. Dean had said that relationships between men were more acceptable than they had been previously. Castiel allowed himself to wonder if maybe they could have a walk like that, out in the English world. It was rumspringa, after all and he was allowed to try otherwise forbidden things. His heart lifted at the idea. It would only be temporary, but having even a brief time with Dean would be…no. Best not to think about such things.

He couldn’t help it, though. He began to let himself hope for the time away from the village. He had previously feared it, but now…now he longed for the freedom it represented, no matter how fleeting. He wasn’t sure it would be fair to Dean, but he would ask him, once they were gone from here. Cas would explain it all to him and let Dean decide what he wanted.

By the end of his walk, he had made his own decision. He would get an apartment with Dean. They would live together for the remaining 3 months of his rumspringa once Dean was released by Judge Turner. Castiel, for his part, couldn’t wait.

Dean was still doing chores and would be for some time yet, but Cas couldn’t concentrate on any of the tasks he set for himself be it reading or carving or anything else. He wanted too badly to tell Dean. He left the dorm once more and went in search of Dean. The first place he checked was the wood working shed, as that was the most likely area for tasks at this time of day. Dean might have been visiting, but normally that was later on.

Before he saw Dean in the shed, however, he saw the girl who was also tasked with woodworking. She was smiling in a way that—now that Dean had pointed it out to him – Castiel understood to be flirtatious. He knew without a doubt that Dean was the recipient. His heart hammered, jealousy making his insides shake.

As he neared the building, however, he could see Dean at last. Dean was not responding to her flirtation. He was friendly, but he was not flirting back. Castiel knew it was ridiculous to be so relieved – Dean could never be his and wouldn’t take an Amish wife, either – but he was overwhelmed with it, anyway.

“Hello, Dean,” he called out when he was near enough, sending the girl a polite smile which he hoped looked more sincere than it felt. It was hardly her fault that Cas had feelings for Dean.

Dean’s face lit up when he heard Castiel’s voice and Cas tried very hard not to make it obvious how happy that made him. He couldn’t help the answering smile, however.

“Hey, Cas. This is a surprise. You gonna do some woodworking?” Dean asked, tossing a dismissive smile at the girl and walking closer to Castiel so they could talk without being heard.

“No, actually, I came to let you know I’ve decided about the apartment.” He saw both hope and fear spring up in Dean’s eyes, so he didn’t make him wait for an answer. “I would like to live together while I am out in the English world.”

The smile that broke across Dean’s face was huge. “Yeah? Dude, that’s awesome! Sweet!” A shadow passed over his face then, but he shrugged and smile again. “That is really great. We can make plans tonight, what do you say?”

“I think that will be nice, Dean,” Castiel answered, not wanting his own excitement to show.

“All right, man. Awesome,” he repeated. “Um, I guess I better get back to work, but I’ll see you at supper, yeah?”

“Yes. At the kitchens?” Cas asked.

“Nah, I wanna cook tonight, I think. If that’s cool with you?” Castiel nodded. “Cool. Okay. See you after I finish milking, then.”

Cas walked back to the dorm in a happy daze. He wouldn’t tell Dean of his plans until they were safely away from here, but he was filled with excitement for the day they slept in the city for the first time.

\------

“But Dean –“ Sam started in on his next visit.

“Sam, drop it, I told you.” Dean angrily shaved off slivers of wood to make a chair rocker.

He and Sam had been having this same non-conversation for the past half hour. He would tell Sam to leave it alone and Sam would start again with another reason, another argument. They were talking about Cas, of course. What else? Sam was a smart kid and he knew his brother. Dean wasn’t exactly shocked that he could see how much closer they were now.

He sighed, knowing he was going to have to give Sam more information if he wanted any hope of the kid giving up on it.

“Look, Sam, he’s Amish –“

Sam rolled his eyes. “ I _know_ , Dean,” he said in a tone that suggested Dean was the dumbest person to ever walk on Earth.

“No, I don’t think you really do. It’s not just a word, it’s part of who he is. It’s his whole life.”

“I get that. I’ve been here enough,” Sam argued.

“You’ve _visited_ , sure,” Dean conceded, nodding. “But you don’t live here. This stuff doesn’t end for him on Sunday night. He doesn’t go back to tv and radio and junk food and dirty jokes.” Dean ran his thumb to check the smoothness of the wood, then shaved it again. “Other people go to church on Sunday, maybe Wednesday, praise the Lord and shame the devil—and then they go back to living in the modern world the rest of the week, maybe not even praying.”

“Yeah, and?” Sam asked, still not getting Dean’s point.

Dean blew out a breath. “Cas _lives_ in church. Everyday for him is praise the Lord and shame the devil. Everyday is prayer and good deeds and hard work. And his beliefs, his _life_ …they don’t include getting to be gay.” Dean stopped working the wood and looked at Sam carefully, to make sure he understood. “If he chooses to be in a relationship with a man, he loses being able to be Amish. He loses who he is.”

Sam frowned. “Sounds like he loses who he is, either way.”

Dean couldn’t argue that point because he agreed with it. So he just nodded. Luckily for him, Sam was done arguing. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean Sam was done having his say on the subject.

Instead of letting it drop, he said, “I’m really sorry, Dean. I can tell he means a lot to you. And, you know, vice versa. It’s really not fucking fair.”

“Hey, language, kiddo,” Dean corrected automatically, even though he appreciated the sentiment more than he could admit. “Thanks, though.”

Before Sam could continue, Dean nodded toward where Cas was walking toward the dorm for lunch. “Let’s leave it, okay? He’s on his way back. Help me plate up lunch.”

Sam did as he was asked. By the time they had food on the table, Cas was coming through the door. He went to the bedroom first, then came into the kitchen. He smiled at the spread on the table. Dean was a little embarrassed at how much food he’d cooked, but he’d been inspired by his cravings.

“This smells incredible, Dean. Did you do all of this yourself?”

“Nah. Um, Sam helped out a lot,” Dean told him, more flustered by the conversation he had been having by his brother than he would have liked.

“Dean did most of it,” Sam said, sitting down at the farthest chair.

Dean knew he’d done it deliberately. The other two chairs were much closer together. Cas subtly moved his chair away from Dean’s as he took a seat, and Dean was simultaneously relieved and disappointed – which seemed to be his natural state lately where Cas was concerned.

Unfortunately, now that Cas was around, Sam was ready to bring up the topic he’d been avoiding since he’d shown up. Namely, Sam was ready to ask whether Dean was going to move in with him at the Campbells. Dean should have seen it coming, but he’d planned on bringing it up himself later in the day. So instead, Sam took him by surprise.

“So, are you gonna come live with us when you leave here? Mom’s been clearing her sewing stuff out of the spare bedroom, just in case.” Dean didn’t think he sounded excited, merely curious.

Dean took a deep breath and set down his fork. “Um, actually, when I leave here, I’m going to get an apartment with Cas while he finishes up his rumspringa.” He waited for the protest to come, but Sammy surprised him.

“Really? Man, that’s cool! I know you were worried about being on your own, Cas,” Sam said, smiling at their mutual friend. “Do I get to come visit?” he asked Dean.

“As long as the ‘rents say it’s cool, Sam, you are welcome anytime,” Dean told him, grinning. He was a little worried that this was too easy, but he was going to hope for the best, anyway.

“Sweet!” His face fell a little, but not as much as Dean had feared. “So, you probably won’t move in with us after that, either, huh?”

Dean sighed. “Probably not, Sammy. You okay with that?”

Sam let out a breath. “Yeah. I mean, I’m disappointed, but I kinda figured. I was actually surprised you even considered it,” he admitted with a half-smile.

“Getting to hang out with you all the time almost swayed me, believe me, buddy. But you’ll have homework and I’ll have work at Bobby’s and it really wouldn’t end up being that much more time than we’ll get if you come visit me at the apartment, you know?” Dean hoped he was consoling Sam because he was making himself sad as shit.

Sam nodded, then smirked. “Plus at your apartment I can watch R rated movies without mom and dad finding out,” he teased, probably at least half-serious.

Dean laughed out loud, then laughed harder at Cas bemused expression. “We’ll see, Sam. I’m technically not even old enough for that myself, you know.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like that’s ever stopped you from doing anything before.”

Dean grinned. “That’s true.”

“You sure you won’t mind me hanging out with you guys, Cas?” Sam asked, though he had to know the answer by now.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing now?” Cas asked with a smile. “I will enjoy your visits as much in the city as here, Sam. Perhaps more,” he mused quietly.

Sam ate the rest of his meal with a smile on his face and Dean’s relief was practically a living thing. He’d been so afraid of hurting Sam, but the kid seemed okay with it all. He hoped it would stay that way. He also really hoped the Campbells would let Sam come to visit him. If not, he’d have to rethink his decision.

The next day, in addition to his usual desire to have Sam stay, he was not looking forward to Sam leaving for the added reason that he was afraid of the Campbells reaction to his decision. A part of him kind of thought they might be at least a little relieved, but they still might be vindictive or keep Sam from visiting him when he was on his own. He was afraid to find out.

Far too soon they were in Jacob’s wagon, rolling down toward the gate. For the first time, however, the Campbells were not waiting at the gate when the wagon arrived. Given that their real parents had died in a car accident, both Sam and Dean were beginning to be concerned when twenty minutes had passed and they still hadn’t shown up.

Dean would never in a million years admit it to Sammy, but a small, unkind part of him hoped for the worst because it meant Sam could stay with him permanently again. After he had the brief aberrant thought, he swam in guilt for the 10 additional minutes it took for Sam’s “parents” to finally show up. They arrived full of apologies and tales of a flat tire and a misplaced jack handle.

All Dean’s worrying had been for nothing because they were apparently running late for church – which was the first Dean knew that Sam was going – and had no time to discuss Dean’s decision, anyway. Sam told him as they hugged goodbye that he would tell them and convince them to let him visit Dean at his apartment. Dean squeezed him that much harder and then let him go reluctantly. He was still worried that they might refuse to let Sammy even come back to the Amish village to visit, once they found out, but there was nothing he could do.

On the way back to the dorm, evidently Cas could tell that Dean’s bad mood was more than his standard “Little brother just left” sadness. As soon as they were inside, Cas asked him what else was troubling him. Dean took a moment to reflect that he liked the way Cas talked even though it was weird sometimes. Then he set the distraction aside.

“It’s just, I don’t know, I’m afraid they are going to punish me for not accepting, I guess? Like, I don’t know if they will, but my experiences with them weren’t good and I don’t trust them, you know?” Dean paced, frustrated even more now that he’d put it into words out loud.

“They hold control of something very important to you. It is natural to be fearful. However, I believe they are sincere in their affections for your brother, Dean.” Cas stepped closer and ducked his head to get Dean’s gaze on his own. “While you might be correct that they could be vindictive toward you, I do not think they would mete the same punishment to Sam. I believe they want to keep him happy.”

Dean wanted to believe him, but, like Cas himself had pointed out, they held control over Sam. They may as well have the kill switch to his beating heart. With one simple action, they could ruin his life as surely as stabbing him in the chest would do. Then he noticed that Cas looked apprehensive, like he was nervous about saying something else.

“Spit it out, man. What’re you thinking?” Dean demanded, more harshly than he meant to.

Cas sighed. “This is only a theory, but…well, I’ve been reading up on adoption among the English because of your situation. I wanted to learn all that I could.” Cas looked like he was about to explain further, but then shook his head. “I have read that once a child reaches a certain age, they have a say in whether or not an adoption continues. Just as adoptive parents can reject the child, the child can reject to be adopted by the parents. I do not know if their adoption is finalized, but even so, I think that Sam could opt not to be their ward anymore.”

Dean followed the thread of Cas’ thought. “So you think they’ll do what it takes to make him happy, so he won’t change his mind about staying with them?”

Cas frowned and hesitated. “It might even be the reason they asked you to live with them in the first place. To appease Sam.”

Dean felt better than he had all day. “So if I turn them down, chances are they won’t be that disappointed – and they’ll probably be willing to let Sam come stay with me ?”

Cas nodded. “I believe so, yes.”

They sat in silence for a little while and then Dean said, “Thanks for…you know, looking into all of that.”

Cas just smiled his enigmatic little half smile and said nothing. Dean could have kissed him for making him feel better. But of course he didn’t. Things had been less tense between them, though, since Cas had agreed to move in with him for rumspringa. Dean thought Cas himself seemed more relaxed, maybe even happier.

He didn’t know the reason, but anything that made Cas smile more was more than okay by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sleepy. Whose up for a cuddle pile? Teddy bears optional. ♥


	10. Temporary kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas stuck his tongue out, a gesture he had learned from Sam. Dean belly laughed and his eyes sparkled in a way that Castiel wanted to paint and hang on the wall. It was a new sensation for him, but one he found he did not mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't gone through and divided up the chapters, so I don't know exactly what is left, but we've got just over a third of the story left, about 37k of the original 90k.
> 
> If you're in the US, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! And if you're not, HAPPY THURSDAY ~~OR WHATEVER DAY TOMORROW WILL BE IN YOUR REGION~~! Not only do I have another book coming out, but I am avoiding the homophobic Bro-in-law this year, PLUS I have all of you wonderful regular readers to give me joy, so I am _quite_ thankful for my blessings ;)

It was the night before Dean’s two month performance review with the judge and Castiel was having trouble sleeping. They only had a month now until they both left the village and moved into an apartment. Jacob had said they could look around neighborhoods after court, just to get an idea of the best place to try for an apartment. After Dean’s final court appearance, they would actually look for a unit to rent.

Cas was more excited than he could remember being about anything. Things between he and Dean were better than ever and he basked in their flirtation. He still maintained physical distance between them – for the time being – but he allowed himself to enjoy the teasing and banter that he had tried to avoid in the past.

It wasn’t a huge change from before, but Cas had stopped becoming embarrassed or flustered at Dean’s teasing gestures and remarks. While Cas could not wink the way Dean did, he would respond to Dean’s winks with a dance of his eyebrows that never failed to delight Dean. Dean, for his part, did not seem to want to question Castiel’s change in attitude, apparently content to enjoy it without wondering why it was happening.

It was not something they indulged in when anyone else was around, of course. Not even Sam, though Castiel knew he did not object to a relationship between them as the Amish did. In fact, from what Cas had overheard and seen in his behavior, Sam would have rather liked it if they were together. Sam had even hinted at it to Castiel a few times, though never when Dean was within hearing.

Cas finally made himself relax enough to fall asleep, but the next morning still came far too early for his liking. They ate breakfast in silence, but it was a pleasant one, full of small smiles. Dean had made coffee and Castiel was grateful for the caffeine. For some reason, it amused Dean when he drank it and sighed after a long sip.

“Sorry, you just… normally you’re so out of it in the morning and you look pissed off at being awake, but when you have coffee, you look so happy,” Dean told him with a smile and a shrug.

Cas stuck his tongue out, a gesture he had learned from Sam. Dean belly laughed and his eyes sparkled in a way that Castiel wanted to paint and hang on the wall. It was a new sensation for him, but one he found he did not mind.

The court appearance went even better than the last, and took less time. When they were finished, they took a taxi to a few neighborhoods Dean suggested and had a look around. Castiel knew right away that the second one they visited was the one where he wanted to try to get an apartment.

When he told Dean how strongly he responded to that area—in no small part due to the park with its scenic walkways, wherein he might stroll with Dean of an evening (though he did not mention that)—he was not dissuaded by Dean’s warnings.

“Dude, just to warn you, everybody loves it around there. There might not be anything to rent and if there is, it might be out of our price range.”

Cas nodded. “That is all right, Dean. If it is meant to happen, it will.” What he meant by that was, if they were able to find a place in that area, then he would take it as a sign that allowing himself to be with Dean during his time in the city was something he should do. If they could not find a place there, he would not try to be with Dean as more than friends.

He was in an excellent mood for the rest of the day. When he went out to town later, he bought a few things for their future apartment. He didn’t know many of the things they might need, but he knew they would have to have cooking items, so he purchased a small set of dishes and an iron skillet from a thrift store. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t an exciting purchase, but it made him happy because it made the move real.

As he sat in his room later, looking at his new dishes, dishes he and Dean would use together, Cas had to laugh at himself. Two months ago moving away from the village had terrified him. Now he was the most excited he could ever remember being, just because he had bought dishes for the move.

He was a little embarrassed to explain it to Dean when he got home and asked why Castiel was smiling so much, but Dean surprised him yet again. He completely understood.

“You got us dishes? Dude, that’s sweet! Like, we have actual apartment things for our actual apartment.” He grinned at Cas happily. “I mean, we don’t have the apartment yet, but we have dishes when we get there!”

By unspoken agreement, they contained themselves and their joy when they walked to supper. Though Cas and Dean preferred to eat alone, Castiel knew it was better not to eat in their house more than once or twice a week, lest they raise suspicion. Though they were doing nothing untoward, Castiel did not want anyone to guess the nature of his feelings for Dean. He did his best to keep his feelings closed off, the way he had always done before Dean.

It must have worked because when they got home after supper, Dean said, “Man, it is so weird seeing you at supper and out in the village. You turn back into old uptight Castiel.” He chuckled to take the sting out of it. “I mean, I totally get it, but it’s weird for me. I’m glad I get to see just Cas, though, you know?”

They were standing closer than Cas usually allowed and Dean’s words apparently put something on Castiel’s face that caused Dean to lean closer. He didn’t go so far as to try and kiss Castiel, but he looked as though he might ask for permission. Cas put his hand up to stop his progress and shook his head.

With a small smile, he admitted, “Maybe when we are living in the city, Dean, but not here.”

Dean looked stunned and hopeful. “Yeah?” he asked breathlessly.

Cas forced himself to clarify, “It would only be temporary, Dean. I intend to return to the village at the end of the three months, but if you are willing to agree to those terms, then yes. I would like to kiss you again when we move into the apartment.”

He hadn’t intended to tell Dean yet, but he simply couldn’t keep it to himself any longer. Part of him needed to know, sooner rather than later, whether or not Dean would even be amenable to the temporary status of such a relationship.

Dean looked less overjoyed, but still happy. He told Castiel, “I’ll take it. A few months of getting to kiss you is better than never getting to at all, right?” His smile was crooked and so lovely that Cas wanted to break his own rule and kiss him right now. He held himself back, however.

He nodded. “I think so, yes.”

They smiled at each other for a few long seconds that turned into a couple of minutes. Then Castiel couldn’t take anymore and had to excuse himself. The desire to kiss Dean was becoming too strong to ignore, so he walked away. He took a bath and, for the first time in weeks, took care of his desire with his hand and thoughts of Dean.

\-----

Dean had been fighting off the urge to kiss Cas again for a couple of weeks now. He’d wanted to kiss Cas since he’d first arrived in the village, but the type of urge that had led to him actually doing it the first time, those were less common. Normally, he did a good enough job of holding himself back from getting to that point.

The past couple weeks, though, Cas had been so much different. He’d been the most open and happy Dean had ever seen him, but it was more than that, too. If it had been anyone else, Dean would have seen it right away, but with Cas it had taken a week or so to realize that Cas was flirting with him. At first he thought it was his imagination, but the third time Cas had wiggled his eyebrows in response to one of Dean’s winks, Dean had realized the truth.

Cas was trying to flirt back.

The guy didn’t have a lot of experience at it, obviously, and Dean had tried to keep his own flirtatious nature to a minimum, but little by little their relationship expanded to include this new aspect. Dean chose not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He just accepted that it _was_ and didn’t let himself worry about the _why._ They didn’t do it in front of people and Dean didn’t question that, either.

Then he told Cas how glad he was to get to see the real him, though and the look Cas gave him was like a rope tied to the middle of his chest. It drew him toward Cas, ever so slightly. Dean kept himself from closing the distance, but with the recent interactions, he felt brave enough to stand his ground. He looked at Cas with a question in his eyes.

He was disappointed when Cas’ hand pressed him away, but then Cas spoke and Dean’s brain went offline for a second. He was pretty sure his eyes had just gotten twice their normal size. Did Cas just say they could start kissing and touching when they moved in together?

Cas confirmed it, but his next statement was ice water on Dean’s hope. Of course it was only temporary. Still. It was the ability to touch Cas. To hold him and kiss him and show him how Dean felt about him. A feeling which Dean had only just this moment recognized as being what it was.

He loved Cas. He was _in_ love with Cas. There was no denying it—and it was gonna hurt like a son of a bitch when he had to give him up at the beginning of the fall. Dean would take it, though. Dean would take whatever Cas was willing to give him. He would steal all the moments he could manage.

He was relieved when Cas broke out of their little staring contest to take a bath. Dean was afraid he might blurt out the words that were beating a drum against the front of his brain. He’d never said those words to anyone except family and even then only his mother and his brother. Not his dad and not Bobby. They were scary words. Words he wasn’t sure he should say.

It was still pretty early, so he decided he would go and call Sam. Cas had been right about the Campbells’ reaction to his not wanting to move in with them. It hadn’t seemed to change anything. Sam still got to visit and they had said he would continue to be able to once Dean had the apartment.

He went to knock on the door and tell Cas, but he heard something he wasn’t meant to hear. He tried to ignore the heat that flared low in his belly. He hated to interrupt, but he also wanted to let Cas know where he had gone. Then he heard his own name loudly whispered in a breathy voice and he nearly opened the door.

As it was, he couldn’t resist calling, “Cas?” in a voice that just barely broke. “Going to use the phone.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, but he heard a sudden splash as he walked away and a part of him hoped that his calling Cas’ name sent the guy over the edge the way it had done to him when Cas called his name.

He hadn’t intended to tell Sam anything, but when he had him on the phone, he found it rushing out of him as soon as his brother asked how he was doing.

“Cas wants to be more than friends when we move in together,” he blurted and then cringed at his inability to keep it to himself.

“What? Dean that’s great! Is he going to move into the city permanently, then?” Sam asked, excitement permeating his voice.

Here Dean faltered. “Um. He’s…no. No, it’s just going to be, you know, while he’s still on his, um, rumspringa thing,” Dean clarified.

“But…Dean, are you sure that’s a good idea?” All the excitement had drained away from his voice, leaving him sounding a lot younger than his 12 years.

“Sam, it’ll be fine. I know going in, it’s okay. It’s…I’d rather have a little while than never, okay?” Dean explained, hoping the kid would get it and just be happy for him. He wondered, though, if he hadn’t brought it up to Sammy because he wasn’t sure about it.

Sam was quiet for a beat. Then, in a low voice, almost too soft for Dean to hear, he said, “I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dean.” Before Dean could respond, though, Sam’s voice raised and brightened again. “But hey, you’re gonna sway him with all that Dean Winchester charm, anyway, right?” he teased.

Dean laughed. “Of course, Sammy. Who could resist _me_?”

Sam started to list girls Dean had dated and broken up with, until Dean told him, “Shut up, dude. Like you’ve even had a girlfriend. Anyway, not helping here, you know.”

“Nah, Cas is different. He’s not world-weary enough to know what an idiot you are. I’m sure he’ll fall for it,” Sam joked further, clearly enjoying getting under his older brother’s skin.

“Keep it up, Chuckles. See if I let you come over this weekend.” They both knew the threat was empty, though.

“Yeah, right, Dean. Cas would make you, anyway. Oh, hey, how did court go?”

They spent a few more minutes talking about that and then Sam said he had homework.

“Yeah, I better get back and take a bath myself. Just think, though, dude! One more month, and then you can come stay with me whenever the Campbells say it’s okay.”

“I can’t wait, Dean! That’s gonna be so great.”

Dean could tell the kid really meant it. Their brother bond remained as strong as ever and Dean felt lucky. He’d screwed up enough that he wouldn’t have blamed his little brother for wanting nothing to do with him. Sam was great, though, and Dean was grateful.

He considered calling Bobby, but he figured that tomorrow before supper would be a better time. Bobby had already confirmed that Dean still had a job if he wanted it, but Dean hadn’t discussed living arrangements with him yet. He was hoping the guy wasn’t going to fight with him on this. He knew he hadn’t done enough yet to earn back Bobby’s trust, but so far Bobby hadn’t acted like there was anything to make up. He’d wait and see.

When he got back to the dorm, Cas was curled up in a chair with a book. He smiled up at Dean when he walked in and Dean’s chest clenched. He managed a smile back and then instinctively sought to lighten the mood from the depth of feelings that were about to overwhelm him.

His face a mask of innocence, he asked, “So, you have a nice bath, Cas?”

Cas dropped his eyes and seemed to redden slightly, but he said, “It was very enjoyable, thank you.”

“I think I’m going to take my own bath. I hope it’s as good as yours was.” He walked out of the room without waiting for a reply, but he heard Cas’ huffed breath when he left. He didn’t know if it was irritation at his teasing or relief that he’d left the room, but it made Dean smile, either way.

\-----

Cas had been unprepared for what the sound of Dean saying his name could do to him while he was in a vulnerable, aroused state. The instant Dean had called out to him, Castiel’s orgasm had swept through him, unexpected and intense. He struggled to keep silent, though he wanted to yell out with the power of it. However, when it was over, it was obvious Dean was already long gone. Cas had called his name just in case, but there was no response. Castiel hadn’t even heard what he’d said after “Cas”, so he hoped it wasn’t important.

After he was out of the bath, Dean was still nowhere to be found, so Castiel grabbed a book at random and started reading it. Before too long he was immersed in it, lost in the world the author had created so vividly.

When Dean returned, he didn’t even try to stop the smile that took over his face. Heaven only knew how his face must look, but Castiel didn’t care. Dean brought him joy and he was powerless not to show it when there was no one around to censure him for it. A month was too long to wait, but wait he would.

He reflected that he would need the practice. Once his rumspringa was over, he’d do nothing but wait when it came to Dean. If Dean even wanted to continue to visit him or have Castiel visit, that was. Cas did not want to think about the time when Dean was no longer in his life everyday. It was a pain that did not bear thinking about. It was inevitable, so there was no use borrowing pain from the future.

That night, though, as he lay in bed, he allowed himself to dream of the kind of future he and Dean might have had in a different world. With Dean’s sleeping breaths the only sound, Cas fell asleep thinking of living in a modest house in the village with Dean by his side.

Castiel imagined that they would make their way doing woodworking and possibly some light farming like Mam and Pap. Sam would live with them and the three of them would spend hours discussing books and Sam’s college plans. They would rarely have supper in the kitchens because Dean had grown so skilled at cooking. At night, Dean and Cas would share the same bed, limbs entwined.

With that last, comforting thought, Castiel slept. His thoughts influenced his dreams and he dreamed of similar things until he woke. He smiled at these fanciful ideas when he was awake. He could not have them, but they were certainly nice dreams.

Cas knew he should probably try to find a job before the month was over, but given the two hour one way commute, it wasn’t feasible. He could give them a start date of after he moved, but without an address, he wasn’t sure he would be hired anyway. He would just have to hope that his money would last until he was earning income.

Instead, he decided he would carve and sell as many wooden figures as he could manage. He wouldn’t make a huge sum, but it would definitely help him once he was living in the city. He supposed he and Dean needed to talk about how they would split the rent and other bills. He resolved to do so as soon as Dean was back in the dorm for lunch.

In the meantime, he settled on the porch with a basket of wood chunks and his carving kit. He had no plans for what to carve. As usual, he just let the piece speak to him. There were rare exceptions, like the gifts he’d made Sam and Dean, but normally, he didn’t start with a plan in mind.

By the time Dean strolled up the path to the steps, Castiel had finished two figures and was working on a third. They were simple and still needed sanding and polishing, but he thought they were good enough. He showed them to Dean, who thought they were, of course, “awesome”.

“I thought I would sell as many of these as I can before we move, so that I will have some extra money until I can get a job,” Cas explained, setting aside his work for the moment.

“Hey, that’s a good idea! You know, I was actually thinking during milking this morning, maybe instead of going to look at places with Jacob we should go stay with Bobby for a few days while we take a good look around? That way we don’t have to take the first place we see.,” Dean suggested while he washed his hands and started pulling food out of the icebox.

Castiel had few objections, save one. “But Jacob has to sign all the paperwork for me. We have to be 18 to sign contracts, so…”

“Oh, well, yeah, but I mean, since I’m gonna keep the apartment when you’re gone, anyway, it makes more sense if Bobby does it, right?” Dean asked over his shoulder as he chopped an onion.

“Oh. He will do that for us?” Cas settled into a kitchen chair to watch Dean prepare their meal.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I haven’t asked or anything, but I’m sure he will. I can call him after lunch, if you want?” Dean tossed the chopped vegetables into the skillet he’d been warming and they made a loud hissing sound.

“Yes, let’s make certain he is “on board” as you would say.” Cas didn’t know why, but Dean grinned at him when he said that. Cas smiled back shyly and studied a splinter in the table that his thumbnail was worrying at.

Dean dished up the food and sat down opposite Castiel. They ate for a few minutes in silence before Cas brought up their living arrangements again.

“I was thinking we should discuss the division of bills before we move in. We can split them all or you can pay for certain things and I’ll pay for others.”

“Well, we’ll have to see whether we find an apartment with utilities included, I guess. If we do, it’s kind of decided for us.” He took a bite, obviously thinking before he spoke again. “Um, we do need to decide about _which_ utilities we’re going to have. I mean, are you going to be comfortable with having a television and telephone in the apartment?”

Castiel hummed thoughtfully. “I think it would be wise for us to have a phone.” He frowned as a thought occurred to him. “You have a cell phone.”

Dean looked at him in confusion. “Uh. Yeah.”

“How are you paying for it?”

Dean’s face cleared and he smiled. “Oh. It’s a pay as you go, um… basically it’s cheap and temporary and—you know what? Doesn’t matter.” He cleared his throat. “Bobby takes care of my phone. He got it for me so I’d always have a way to get in touch with him. Not that many pay phones around any more.”

Castiel nodded in understanding, his curiosity satisfied. “Perhaps that is what I should do as well? Get a pay as you go phone?” He said it slowly, sounding out the words carefully to make sure he was saying it right.

Dean paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. Slowly he shook his head yes. “That’s probably a good idea.”

“I do not mind television, if you want to have it,” Castiel said, answering the previous question.

Dean shrugged. “I mean, I’d like a TV for movies and stuff, but cable’s not a big deal. Better not to spend the money if we don’t have to.” He finished his meal quickly. “I’m gonna go ahead and call Bobby now. I’ll let you know at supper what he says, okay?”

Castiel would have offered to go with him and hear the news first hand, but he got the impression that Dean wanted to do this alone. So he smiled and nodded and finished his meal before getting up to do the dishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you beautiful cuties! Have a safe and lovely rest of the week. ♥  
>  ~~I haven't forgotten the second set of tropes, I swear.~~


	11. Moving out and moving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today wasn’t a visiting day, but he wanted to get in as many visits with people as he could before he left. These people were people he could trust. They might not accept his sexuality, but they sure as hell accepted him despite his juvie record and he knew they weren’t spending time with him just for what they could get out of him. He knew going in that he wasn’t being used. There was no angle these people were working that was going to bite him on the ass later. It was a nice feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY I AM POSTING A DAY LATE! I kept thinking yesterday, when I was out of the house and unable to, "I need to post the next chapter of Plain English." Then I would get home and think, "Was there something I needed to do?" Repeat. Over and over.

Dean tapped his foot nervously as he waited for Bobby to pick up the phone. It was Saturday, so he might or might not be in the shop. It wasn’t open for customers, but sometimes, he worked on cars because he got bored. The phone had rung six times so far and Dean was just about to hang up when Bobby’s gruff voice finally came over the line.

He wasn’t out of breath when he answered. Bobby was not the type to rush for the phone. Either it was still ringing when he reached it at a leisurely pace or it wasn’t. He would be unconcerned, either way. Urgent calls would be repeated and non-urgent calls were well missed.

“Hey, Bobby. You got a minute?”

“Hey, Dean. How’s life treatin’ ya? You still got, what, a few weeks?” Dean heard the pop of a can opening.

“Yeah, right at a month. Then I’m free and clear.” Dean waited a beat and then rushed ahead. “You, uh, still got that job available?”

“Depends,” Bobby said enigmatically.

“Uh, on what?” Dean asked, a little worried.

“On whether or not you’re actually going to take it this time,” Bobby said evenly.

“Yes, Bobby. Yes. If you’ll have me, I want to come work for you.” He knew he sounded a little like he was begging, but he was mostly all right with that.

“You gonna live here and stay out of trouble?”

Here, Dean hesitated again. “Well, actually, um…I was planning on getting an apartment with Cas until he has to come back? And then I’d stay there and Sam could visit and everything.”

“Hm,” was all Bobby said for the moment.

“I just think it’ll make me feel less…trapped, you know? I won’t skip out again, Bobby, I swear. I’m all done with –“

“Boy, I know that. I was just wondering whether that boy Cas was gonna need a job, too. He can’t work on cars, obviously, but this place could use some painting and whatnot. He do carpentry?” Dean through he heard the sound of a microwave beeping and humming in the background.

“Um. Yeah, he’s really good with that stuff, actually,” Dean confirmed, surprised.

“Mm. All right. Well, let him know, see if he’s interested. I can pay him $10 an hour to start. If he’s as good as you say, I’ll bump it up.” Dean heard odd bumps and clinks. “Anything else? It’s my lunch time, boy.”

“Bobby, are you sure you can afford us both?” Dean asked in concern.

Bobby laughed rather loudly in Dean’s ear. “Boy, you got any idea how much I get for restoring old cars to their former glory? Besides, you’re both gonna be working your tails off to earn it, I promise you that.”

Bobby didn’t wait for anything further before hanging up. Dean huffed a surprised laugh. “Rude old coot,” he muttered, smiling affectionately. He had a bounce in his step. Cas didn’t even have to look for work now. Leaving here was sounding better and better every second.

Still, he reflected as he headed for the kitchens, he would miss a lot about this place. He had always loved working on cars, but there was something about the chores he had here that fulfilled him just a little bit more than spending his day repairing an engine did. He didn’t know that he would miss the early hours or the lack of music, and he could cook and do woodworking in the city. He knew, though, that he would miss the people and the animals.

If anyone had ask him six months ago whether he’d want to milk a cow, he’d have laughed in their face. Now he couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to be doing it anymore a month from now. It seemed so normal. It was kind of soothing in a way. He liked interacting with the pigs, too. The sheep were pretty fun, but he hadn’t gotten to do much with them yet. Hopefully he would before he left.

Of course, he’d always liked people. Well, okay, no. People were dicks, mostly. He was a social person who needed interaction and it kinda sucked that life had given him so many reasons not to trust people. But he liked getting to know an individual person, getting them to like him, doing things to help them.

Today wasn’t a visiting day, but he wanted to get in as many visits with people as he could before he left. These people were people he could trust. They might not accept his sexuality, but they sure as hell accepted him despite his juvie record and he knew they weren’t spending time with him just for what they could get out of him. He knew going in that he wasn’t being used. There was no angle these people were working that was going to bite him on the ass later. It was a nice feeling.

Still, as he rolled out dough for pie and made small talk with the kitchen staff, he wondered if he could handle doing some volunteer work at the hospital. He’d like the helping aspect of the visiting, as well. He thought maybe he would enjoy visiting sick people in the city, too. The pie making got busier and his mind became occupied with making sure he was measuring properly.

Before he left, Gerda told him she would miss him when he left. She suggested he consider staying and he smiled at her. A big part of him was so tempted, especially since he knew Cas would be here. He didn’t think he could do it, though. He’d get caught kissing Cas for sure, if Cas followed through on his promise for while they were in the city. Dean didn’t think he’d be able to stop once they started, if they stayed close enough to touch.

He was excited by the time he got the milking done and got back to the kitchens for supper. He couldn’t wait to tell Cas the good news about the job. Really, though, he was almost as excited just to see Cas, after so many hours without him. It was a little bit scary, but he kind of like it, too – mainly because he knew it was the same for Cas.

He ignored the voice of future doom in his head and concentrated on not throwing his arms around his friend when he finally showed up. Instead he just grinned at him and Cas grinned back. To explain his joy to anyone paying attention, Dean loudly explained to Cas about Bobby’s job offer. Cas was just as excited as he’d hoped.

“Dean, that would be ideal! And he will sign all the necessary forms for us?”

“Aw shi-oot, I forgot to ask him,” Dean said, patently ignoring Cas’ smirk at his near slip-up. “But he was cool with me getting my own place and he knows I can’t do that on my own, so I don’t think it’s a problem. I’ll call him back tomorrow to make sure, though, okay?”

Cas’ smile didn’t waver at all. “Certainly, Dean. As you say, if he’s accepting of your getting an apartment with me and is willing to give me a job, I think he will be amenable to helping us obtain it.”

“You have to try the pie tonight, dude. She didn’t give me an extra one this time, unfortunately, but it’s a good one. I forget what kind of berries they are, but they taste amazing,” Dean said, smiling politely at the girls who still hadn’t given up on trying to catch Cas’ attention.

“Castiel,” said a small blonde one who was near to them in line. “Are you looking forward to the beginning of your time in the city? I cannot wait until it is my turn.”

Dean knew that, until they’d decided to move in together, Cas hadn’t wanted to go at all and he wondered how Cas might have answered this question if it had come up before. However, Cas surprised him with the incredibly truthful answer he gave.

“I have no interest in city life, so I am not looking forward to that aspect of it. However, there are a few things,” he added with a brief, pointed look at Dean, “to which I look forward with much enthusiasm.”

“Oh?” she asked with obvious interest. “Such as what?”

Cas didn’t even falter when he answered, “I have a job lined up already. I will be doing carpentry work for a business there and Dean has promised to help me find my way around the city, so I am excited about visiting the rather large library they have there.”

Her face lost all interest and this time her “Oh,” lacked any excitement whatsoever. “Well, I hope you will find it enjoyable, Castiel,” she told him as she stepped back into line, ending the conversation.

The next day, Dean called Bobby again and not only confirmed he would be willing to sign the lease papers, but also made sure it would be all right for Dean and Cas to stay with him for a few days until they found the right apartment.

“Gonna call the Campbells and see if I can’t get that brother of yours over here at the same time,” Bobby added. “That sound okay to you?”

“Yeah, Bobby, that sounds awesome. And, hey, Cas is really excited about the job.”

“Hmph,” Bobby said noncommittally. “Well, then hopefully he’ll do a good job and not screw up.”

“You’re a peach, old man,” Dean ribbed him.

“Yeah, yeah, enough with the lovie-dovie, I gotta get back to work. I’ll see you real soon, boy.” Dean heard the affection in his voice at the end and he smiled as he heard the click.

The next few weeks passed more quickly than he’d have thought. Sam visited two final times, during which the three of them made plans for future apartment sleepovers. Sam was almost as excited as they were. Before Dean was quite ready, there was less than a week to go.

His chores had been reduced over the previous two weeks. Other teens had returned from rumspringa and were now around to take over, so they transitioned him down to just the milking and an hour or so in the kitchens or doing carpentry. It gave him a lot of time to plan, but also too much time to think. He spent most of his extra time doing visitation and saying goodbye to the people he’d bonded with over the 3 months he’d been around.

On his and Cas’ last full day, they spent most of their time packing. When Dean visited the kitchen a final time, Gerda gave him a stack of recipes and kiss on the cheek. They had supper with Mam and Pap, who said goodbye to Cas with tears in their eyes. They did not ask him to return to them. They just promised to pray for him and wished him well. They did the same for Dean and he had tears of his own that he did not allow to fall.

Then suddenly, they were having their last hot chocolate in the dormitory. For a long time, they barely spoke. They just exchanged excited little half smiles and sipped their cocoa. Finally, needing to say something, Dean brought up the plans for getting to Bobby’s house.

“You said Jacob is going with us?” Dean asked, knowing the answer, but hoping Cas had learned more of the why than he knew before.

“Yes, apparently he and Bobby are not acquainted, but have intended to meet for some time. Since he is their mutual friend, I believe Judge Turner may also make an appearance, but I am not certain,” Cas said as he sipped.

“The judge is going to be there?” Dean asked in surprise. That was definitely new information. “Why?”

“He and Jacob are friends, as you know. I believe we are all to have lunch,” Cas answered, not thinking much of the arrangement.

Dean willed his fear to settle down. Once he was released, the judge couldn’t do anything. And there was no reason for the judge not to release him. “I think you’ll like Bobby,” he told Cas, changing the subject.

Cas smiled. “I am sure I will. As many stories as I have heard from you and Sam, I feel as if I know him already. I am pleased to have him for an employer.”

“He’s gonna like you, too,” Dean added as he gulped his cooling drink.

Cas just smiled shyly and said nothing until they were finished drinking. “Everything is gone from the icebox?”

“Everything except a couple things for breakfast in the morning. I’m all packed, you’re all packed and all the chores are assigned to someone else.” Dean shook his head in wonder. “I can’t believe I’m leaving already.”

“No. Nor can I, Dean. It came so quickly, didn’t it?” He took their mugs and started washing them out. “I’m very happy that the day is finally here, though.” He didn’t turn around, but Dean could see the soft smile that played around his mouth.

“Me, too, Cas.”

They got dressed for bed and tucked their dirty clothes into their packed bags to be washed later. They each had a set of “civilian” clothes laid out for the next morning. Cas had bought his own meager wardrobe on his last trip into town. Considering he’d never bought clothes for himself, Dean thought Cas had done all right. He definitely had his own flair, that was for sure. It was a lot more color than Dean preferred, but it would all look good on the brunet, Dean knew.

When Dean stood up from packing the clothes away, Cas was right there behind him. Before he knew what was happening, Cas had pulled him into a bear hug. Dean was surprised, but pleased. Part of him went warm at the realization that—for the next three months, at least – he could have this several times every day, if he wanted.

“I’m so glad you came here,” Cas murmured next to his ear before pulling away. He climbed into bed without another word.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean said as he climbed into his own bed.

“Goodnight, Dean. See you in the morning.”

At breakfast, they were both too tired – and nervous—to speak much. They finished their food, washed their plates and got dressed, once again packing their dirty things in their bags. They had just finished dragging the bags onto the porch when they saw Jacob rolling up in the wagon.

No one spoke much as the taxi drove them to the city. Dean was too keyed up. For the first time in a long time, he was not in trouble with anyone. He hadn’t been in trouble in three months. He was about to be praised for the third and final time by Jacob Davidson and then he’d be seeing Bobby for the first time in too long.

He knew he had never, ever been this _happy_ to go to court. He knew he never would be again, either. When he left court today, his life was going to start. He was going to get a job and have an apartment and live with a roommate for a while and just be…normal. For the first time since his parents died – and maybe before that.

He wanted to squeeze Cas’ hand, but he didn’t dare. Still, Cas either shared the need or sensed Dean’s because he shifted in his seat. Now he was sitting so that his leg was pressed along Dean’s own. It was more comforting than Dean had even hoped. They might not be able to hold hands, but they could touch knees and it was good. It was so good. Dean turned his brightest smile on Cas.

To cover any possible romantic interpretations by Jacob, he said, “I’m getting out of trouble today, Cas! And I’m not going back.”

Cas smiled back. “I’m so glad, Dean. You’ve worked very hard to earn this.”

“Castiel speaks the truth, Dean,” Jacob turned and said. “You have done much to be proud of in the past few months. I have no doubt that you have turned a new leaf and will prosper going forward.”

Dean didn’t know what to say, so he just smiled and nodded, dropping his eyes from them both.

Court went so quickly that Dean barely took it in. Jacob repeated the things he had said before in new phrases and the judge looked more relaxed than Dean had ever seen him. Still, Dean was nervous when it was the judge’s turn to speak to him and declare a verdict on whether Dean was released. He knew he’d earned it, but he’d been burned before.

“Well, well, well, Mr. Winchester. I have to say, I am impressed. When I met you in this courtroom three months ago, I was not sure if we would make it this far.” He shuffled some papers. “You have exceeded all my expectations, son. I hope that in the future, I will not see you in this courtroom unless you plan to become an attorney.”

The look he gave Dean made him laugh, softly, and the judge smiled back just a bit. “Now,” Turner continued, “onto the actual business at hand. Before I start, is there anything you want to say for yourself?”

Dean cleared his throat. He hadn’t told Jacob or even Cas about this part. Sam was the only one who knew and he wasn’t here. Dean’s hand shook as he pulled a couple of sheets of notebook paper out of his pocket.

“Uh, yeah, your honor. I, um, I wrote a letter to the family? The one whose car I took. Could you have someone give it to them? It’s, like, an apology.” Dean ignored the tiny gasp he heard from Cas’ direction, but he saw the judge’s eyes flick that way.

“Bailiff, would you please?” the judge asked, waving in Dean’s direction. “Mr. Davidson, was this your idea?”

“No, your honor. I was unaware that Dean had taken this step.”

“I see,” the judge said, pursing his lips. The bailiff handed him the papers and he tapped them on the desk. “Dean, I was already decided on what to do about you. I think that’s pretty obvious. This letter, however, shows me that you have turned a corner in your life, son. I am releasing you into the care of Bobby Singer. When you reach your 18th birthday, your record will be expunged. You’ve done well, Dean. You are free to go.”

The bang of the gavel was the best sound Dean had ever heard. He was free again. This time, he was going to stay that way. His shoulders sagged in relief and he couldn’t control the sappy grin that spread over his face. Cas, uncaring evidently that Jacob was present, yanked him into another bear hug.

Jacob smiled his tiny smile and led them out to the waiting cab. Once inside it, he handed Dean his cell phone with another of those smiles. The thing had long since lost its charge, but for Dean it made the end of his time in Amish country real in a way not even the judge’s verdict had done. He felt more of a pang than he’d expected – and not just because of Cas.

“You will be missed in our village, Dean. We have been most pleased to have you among us these last three months. I am sorry to see you go, but I wish you all the best in your new life.” It was one of the longest speeches Dean had heard him give outside of court.

“Thanks, Jacob. That means a lot. I’ll miss the village, too. It’s been pretty great. I hope I’ll still be allowed to visit sometimes,” he said truthfully – and again not solely because of Cas.

“If Castiel returns to us, then you will be welcome to visit him,” Jacob said, turning toward the front again.

Dean glanced at Cas, who was frowning slightly, but neither said anything. It had almost sounded like Jacob didn’t think Cas _would_ come back, but Dean didn’t dare hope for that. He knew what living plain meant to Cas, maybe even better than Jacob did. There was a bit of melancholy that settled on him after that.

His mood didn’t stay down for long, though. The closer they got to Bobby’s house, the more excited he became. When they turned onto the road where Singer Salvage was location, he couldn’t contain himself anymore. Once he started talking excitedly, he couldn’t seem to stop, words tumbling out of him in a happy rush.

“Man, Bobby is gonna love you, Cas. I can’t wait for you to meet him. I haven’t been here in ages. Ooh, I bet he ordered pizza for lunch! Oh, yeah, I hope he was able to get permission for Sam to come visit, that would be so cool.”

He stopped when Cas pressed his leg against Dean’s again. He gave a sheepish smile and stopped the flow of his running mouth. He shrugged.

“Sorry,” he said. “Just a little excited.”

“And with many good reasons to be, Dean,” Cas assured him quietly. “No one can blame you.” He was smiling, which helped a lot.

The rolled to a stop in front of the building and Dean hopped out, grabbing his and Cas’ bags from the trunk as soon as it popped open. He ran up the walk, making sure Cas was behind him, but not waiting for Jacob, who was still handling the fare.

“Get in here and gimme a hug, boy,” Bobby said as he flung open the door before Dean could knock. Dean couldn’t remember seeing him smile like that in a long time. Maybe ever.

After the hug, Dean said, “Uh, Bobby, this is my friend, Cas. Cas, this is my fake uncle Bobby.”

“It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Singer,” Cas offered to Bobby’s loud amusement.

“Mr. Singer was my old man and he was a jackass. So you can just call me Bobby, all right?” he said, clapping Cas on the shoulder and ushering them both further inside so that Jacob could make his way in. “Bobby Singer,” he said, holding out his hand.

“Jacob Davidson. Well met,” he said, shaking Bobby’s hand firmly.

“Rufus has told me a lot about you, Jacob. Nice to finally put a face to the stories,” Bobby said with a smile. “He’s supposed to be here in just a little bit. Had some paperwork to finish up first, I think. So,” he asked, turning back to Dean. “You’re all free and clear now? No more juvenile detention as long as you keep your nose clean?”

“All clear, Bobby. And my nose is gonna squeak it’ll be so clean,” he promised with a grin.

Bobby played host until Rufus came and went, with Jacob following close behind. They had pizza like Dean hoped and the older men told stories about younger versions of themselves and each other. Even Cas was laughing at their tales. It was weird spending time with the judge who had held his fate in his hands, but Dean got past it more quickly than he’d have expected.

When the judge and Jacob were gone, Bobby showed Cas around the place, with Dean tagging along and pointing out places he used to hang out when he was a kid. Bobby showed Cas exactly where he wanted to start with the repairs and he and Cas talked carpentry for several minutes while Dean looked over the shop to see what had changed. He was excited about starting to work, but also a little scared. Not as scared as he would have been once, though.

Next came dinner and then reading time. Bobby usually watched television at night, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Cas on his first night spent outside the village. Dean didn’t even mind not having the TV going.

Since it was Wednesday – church night – Sam wouldn’t be coming over, but he would be there the next night and he could stay through the weekend. Bobby was letting them have all of Thursday for apartment hunting and would start them working on Friday. If they couldn’t find a place Thursday, they’d have the weekend and Bobby would give them time off later, too, if necessary.

“Thanks, Bobby. I mean it,” Dean said when they started heading for bed.

“Shut up, boy. You don’t gotta thank me. We’re family.” But Dean saw the small smile he tried to hide behind his beard.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, old man. You need me to do anything before I go to bed? I’m beat.”

Bobby’s eyebrows rose. “That place really did change you, didn’t it? It’s not even 10 o’clock and Dean Winchester is going to bed? Never thought I’d see the day,” he teased.

Dean rolled his eyes and turned to where Cas was standing, looking bemused. “We take some getting used to, I guess. You heading to bed, too?” Before Cas could answer, Dean’s face lit up. “No, first, you gotta have some of Bobby’s hot chocolate. You mind, Bobby? It’s kind of a tradition for us to have hot chocolate before bed and yours is the best.”

To Dean’s surprise, there was almost no grumbling about making the cocoa. Dean thought Bobby was secretly pleased to have someone to take care of again, but he’d die before he’d say so out loud where Bobby could hear. He liked his face the way it was, thank you, with no rearrangements.

It was a little strange, having hot chocolate with the two of them. He’d only ever shared it with either of them alone or with Sam. It was pleasant, even if Bobby looked like he was learning entirely too much about how Dean felt about Cas for Dean’s liking. When they headed to bed for real, Bobby looked like he might say something to Dean, but he shook his head and took them upstairs.

He showed the boys to the room Sam and Dean used to share when they stayed here. The old bunk bed was the same as always. Dean let Cas have the top, even though it was usually his, because Cas said he’d never slept in bunk beds. Dean put their bags down on the floor and started to walk out to the bathroom, but Cas closed the door and grabbed his arm.

“Cas? What –“

He didn’t get to finish because Cas pinned him against the door and proceeded to kiss him. All thoughts fled Dean’s brain save one: _More_. Dean brought his hands up and cupped Cas’ face, holding it and tilting it to right where he wanted it to deepen the kiss. Cas’ technique was a little fumbling and awkward at first, but he was a fast learner.

Finally, when Dean could no longer catch his breath, he pushed Cas back enough so that he could get some air. Only then did he look at Cas in confused wonder, caressing Cas’ face with his thumbs as he stared back and forth between those amazing blue eyes and that incredible pair of lips.

“Cas? I didn’t think we were gonna do that until we got to the apartment,” Dean finally rasped out.

“I couldn’t wait,” Cas said with an unapologetic shrug. “It’s been all I could think about today. For weeks, really, but today especially.”

Dean confessed, “I wasn’t really sure you meant it, you know? I thought maybe you’d back out. I mean, I hoped not, but I didn’t know.”

Cas shook his head. “I told myself I’d only let it happen if we got an apartment in that neighborhood I liked, but today, in court, I realized I didn’t want to wait another second.”

Dean took the statement literally and pulled Cas back in for another kiss. It was nearly 15 minutes later when he forced them apart to get ready for bed. He went to sleep a short time later with a persistent smile on his face.

The next morning over breakfast, they scoured the _for rent_ section of the newspaper want ads. They circled at least a dozen potential apartments in the neighborhood Cas had liked best. Cas was full of enthusiasm as Dean let him into the car and it was infectious. 

The pair of them managed to remain in high spirits until mid-afternoon. At that point they were both exhausted, disheartened and hungry. They'd skipped lunch in favor seeing another prospect, but it proved worst than the last. 

Finally, with only two apartments left on their list, Dean insisted they stop to eat. He wanted to find a diner, so they walked around the neighborhood to find one. The burgers and milkshakes went a long way toward improving Dean's mood, but Cas still looked like a kicked puppy. 

"Don't worry, man, we'll find something, I promise," Dean tried to reassure him. 

Cas just nodded despondently. On the way out of the diner, though, Dean caught sight of their bulletin board as he stopped to pay at the counter. Noticing a small apartment ad, he nudged Cas and pointed. 

"Let's try that one next, whaddya say?" Dean didn't know why, but he wanted a break from the paper ads. They just didn't seem to be worth the time, either too run down, too expensive or already rented by the time they arrived. 

Cas smiled, a little more hopefully, and nodded again. "Ok, Dean. Let's try it."

After the bill was taken care of, he dialed the number on his cell. After a few rings a harried-sounding woman answered the phone. 

"Hey, yeah, I was calling about the apartment?" Dean said. 

"Oh! Oh, wow, great! I was starting to think nobody was gonna answer the ad! When can you come see it?"

"Well, we're in the neighborhood now, if you're not busy," Dean told her hopefully. 

"Um... okay. I'll have to let you look at it by yourself, though. I've got the kids and I can't show you around right now," she said and sounded worried. 

"Hey, no problem. We can stop by, get the key and then bring it back and ask any questions," he assured her. 

She agreed, then gave them directions. Dean told Cas it was in walking distance, so they left the car where it was for now. As they neared the building, Dean could literally see Cas’ spirits lift. The block it sat on was very pretty and one side of the block faced the park they’d driven by before. The building itself was more attractive than its neighbors, but didn’t look so nice that Dean thought it was definitely out of their price range.

Dean was cautiously optimistic, even if he didn’t want to get his hopes as high as Cas was clearly doing. Still, he couldn’t help a small smile as they stepped onto the landing. He walked inside, followed by Cas, and knocked on the door to the right of the entrance. A woman with a toddler on her hip answered the door.

“Hi, I’m Dean. We talked on the phone?”

She gave him a tired but genuine smile. “Yes, hi. Um, let me just get the key for you.” She slid to the side of the door and Dean heard jangling noises. Then she stepped back in front of him again. “It’s the fourth floor, apartment 17. It’s this one,” she told him, handing him a bronze key. She named a monthly rent that was just within their price range. “Lights and water are included. Go see what you think.”

Dean and Cas left her and walked to where they had a choice of elevator or stairs. Dean correctly guessed that Cas had never been on an elevator and insisted that, at least this one time, they take that instead of the stairs. Cas was partly awed and partly afraid, but he said he didn’t’ regret the experience. Dean just grinned at him.

On the fourth floor, they walked down to unit 17 and Dean took a deep breath. “All right, here goes nothing,” he said as he opened the door.

As soon as he stepped inside, he knew it was perfect. He didn’t even need to see the bliss on Cas’ face to know he felt the same. There was a small kitchen just to the right inside the front door, with bar island that was open to the living room. The living room had a large window with a view of the park. To the right of the main rooms was small hallway with a bedroom on either side and bathroom at the end.

To Dean’s surprise, the place was furnished with the basics, so the living area had a couch and the kitchen had a table with chairs, and the bedrooms each had a bed frame, though there were not mattresses or boxed springs. One wall of the living room was taken up with built-in bookshelves and the bedrooms both had closets and small dressers.

“This is the one, Dean. You should call Bobby.”

Dean just nodded and smiled, phone already in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, was it worth the wait? *schmoops your faces* ♥


	12. Desire of the flesh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t mind. I have been given to understand that pepper spray is useful in defending oneself from attackers,” he explained.
> 
> “Oh, well, yeah, that, but I just meant people might call us names. There’s a lot of bad names for boys who hold hands, Cas,” Dean told him unhappily.
> 
> Cas just smiled wider. “I’m not afraid of words, Dean. No matter what they call me, they can’t take away what you are to me.” This last was said more quietly and Cas saw a sheen appear in Dean’s eyes, just before his mouth closed over Castiel’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still working on the second set of tropes, don't worry. But I'm also trying to get my Sabriel Big Bang finished by the 15th. My dogs were lost for a couple of days [EDIT: Thanks to everyone who has expressed concern. They are back. They actually got out a second time, but last I heard (since I am out of town) they are back and find] and it's been hectic and weird. So I feel like I'm out of touch with everyone. Still love you to the moon, though.
> 
>  **TW** : Technically, Cas and Dean are underage in this fic. They are both basically living as adults, but if their chronological age squicks you, you might want to skip the end of this chapter.

Castiel couldn’t believe it was already the night before his time with Dean in the city was to begin. He was overwhelmed by all the emotions he was feeling. As the day wore on, he became increasingly aware of how much he had changed over the past three months. He had been so frightened of rumspringa, and of having to live in the city and make decisions.

Now that he had met Dean, he was making choices for himself everyday and he was so anxious to start living in the city, he could hardly wait for this night to end. Dean had been a surprise in his life. Cas had thought he’d known exactly how his life would play out. He would never experience love as others felt it, or physical attraction, and he would live plain his whole life, not even deviating more than absolutely necessary when he was in the city.

Instead, Castiel had met Dean and his world had changed. He now knew love and attraction and he was already living life less strictly then before. He intended to embrace English ways while he was living with Dean, at least to a degree. He was excited for the prospect.

All these thoughts, how grateful he was to have met Dean and how happy Dean had made him in such a short time, they built up until, at bedtime, Cas could no longer hold himself back. He knew Dean was shocked by the tight hug in which Castiel had wrapped him, but Dean was pleased by it, too. He whispered words as close to the truth as he dared before he let him go.

Then, the next day was finally upon them and Cas thrilled at being able to press his leg to Dean’s. This was a new time and they could have the physical affection Castiel had craved for so long. Not in front of anyone, of course, but touching legs could be hidden in plain sight.

Cas sat in the back of the courtroom and listened proudly as well-deserved praise was heaped on Dean’s head. He watched Dean with a swell of emotions almost as strong as the night before. Today had come at last and Dean had even thought to apologize to those he’d wronged. Cas was incredibly moved by his accomplishments. He had never met the angry Dean, but he’d heard about him enough to know what a transformation this truly was.

He had to hug him again when it was all done. What he wanted to do was kiss him, but he could not, so a hug would have to do. Afterward, there seemed to be a whirlwind of activity. They were driving again and meeting Bobby at last and then the judge was sitting to eat with them. The three older men had a solid friendship – even though two of them had never before met – and Castiel liked imagining that Sam and Dean and he could have the same type of friendship when they were older. With a vital difference, of course.

It was a consolation, of sorts. If he couldn’t have a life with Dean, perhaps one day he might get to sit at his table with him and Sam and learn about all that Dean had done with his life. Sam, too. It was a nice thought. That he wouldn’t miss everything. However, it still made his chest ache and it was more enjoyable to try to watch Dean without anyone knowing.

By the time they were ready for bed, kissing Dean was practically all Castiel could think of. Any plans to wait and see if they got an apartment in the neighborhood he wanted flew out the window. As soon as they were in the room, Cas waited for his chance. Heart pounding so hard he couldn’t even hear, he stopped Dean from going to the bathroom by closing the door.

He didn’t even give Dean a chance to register what was happening because he was so single-minded. Dean’s lips were even warmer than he remembered, and softer. When Dean’s tongue swept in, Cas thought nothing had ever felt so strange and wondrous at the same time. He clutched him closer and tried to mimic Dean’s movements with his mouth. As best as he could tell, Dean seemed to be enjoying all that he was doing.

He hadn’t planned beyond kissing, but his body longed for more. He would not ask for more or try for more, but part of him hoped Dean would try to take it further between them. Dean did not and that was probably for the best. It made Dean rise even higher in Castiel’s esteem, of course. He would not do anything he thought Cas was unready for.

When Dean finally put a stop to the kissing and made them go to bed, Castiel’s lips felt tender and swollen in the best way. He rubbed his fingers over the soft skin as he lay in the darkened room, smiling at the thought that, for now, he could have this everyday. It was glorious.

He wasn’t smiling the next afternoon, however. Nothing was working the way he’d expected, once they’d left Bobby’s house. When Dean made them stop for lunch, he knew it was the right thing, but he didn’t want to stop until they found the right place. The food, however, was delicious and improved his mood somewhat. Not quite as much as it did Dean’s, though.

He didn’t even see the bulletin board until Dean pointed. Before he knew it, they were on their way to see an apartment that actually sounded like it might be right for them. He tried not to get his hopes up, but as soon as he saw the building, his heart soared. The park he’d fantasized about was right there. The building was old and beautiful. Castiel wanted this apartment, sight unseen.

He was ecstatic when he heard the price and he already knew, unless it was in terrible disrepair, he would push for the apartment if he had to. Luckily, Dean fell in love with it, too. They were easily agreed. Since Bobby had to finish up with a rush client’s car and couldn’t get over, they gave her a deposit and went back to Bobby’s for the night.

Sam arrived only an hour or so later, and they had a wonderful visit with him. Cas, Dean and Bobby all had to work the next day, but Sam was able to tag along with Cas or Dean for a lot of their work. At lunch time, the four of them went to sign the apartment paperwork and get the keys. Dean had some things stored at Bobby’s and Bobby promised to help them move everything on Saturday.

Castiel enjoyed his workday very much. Bobby spent a lot of it with him, explaining all the different projects he wanted done, but Cas was able to get started on a few things. That was the best part, really. He could move from one project to the other whenever he wanted a change – which made the experience feel more like what he was used to – because Bobby did not care which got done first.

For many reasons, Dean wanted to stay the full weekend at Bobby’s and that was more than acceptable to Cas. While Bobby had no close neighbors, there was a church nearby and Cas had decided he wanted to attend services on Sunday. He was still a bit uncomfortable in English clothes, but he was getting used to it. However, he had one set of plain clothes that he thought he would wear to services.

He half expected Dean to fight him on the idea of church, but he did not. He also did not object when Sam asked if he could go with him. Dean’s only response was to ask if they wanted a ride to and from services.

Sam stayed through the work day was over on Monday. Then the Dean drove all four of them to meet the Campbells at Cas and Dean’s new apartment. They had insisted on seeing it before they agreed to let Sam stay in it. Dean didn’t like it, but he didn’t object, either. He knew it was a necessary hurdle to having Sam visit them, and he was willing to do almost anything for that to happen.

“This is very nice, boys,” Mrs. Campbell told them after the walking tour. “You said the couch folds out into a bed?”

“Yeah, we’re actually heading out to buy all the mattresses as soon as you guys head home,” Dean told her.

“Do you have time to have dinner with us?” Mr. Campbell offered.

“I’m sure we can make time,” Bobby accepted for them all.

“What would you all like to eat, then?” Mrs. Campbell asked.

“There is a lovely diner near here,” Castiel offered and received several smiles.

“That sounds good, Castiel. Is it too far to walk?”

At dinner – which was a lot less stilted and awkward than Cas had feared – the Campbells told Dean that, as long as Dean stayed out of trouble, Sam could come and visit whenever he wanted over the summer, and on alternating weekends once he started back to school.

“What about you, Dean? Will you be going back to school?” Sam’s adoptive mother asked and Cas tensed, wondering if Dean would be upset.

“I’m going to get my GED, actually,” Dean said without looking up from his french fries. “Might take some college classes once I get some money saved up.”

This was information that Cas didn’t know, but he was pleased that Dean had made these decisions. Previously, Dean had expressed doubt that he was capable of further education. It made Castiel happy to know he had changed his mind and come to accept that he was smarter than he’d been giving himself credit for.

A couple of hours later, they were back at Bobby’s, having purchased mattresses and sheets for three beds – the former of which would not be delivered until the following afternoon. Bobby let them off early on Tuesday to go meet the delivery and install their beds. They said their goodbyes with some degree of emotion, even though they would see Bobby the next day. This was to be their first night alone and Bobby had done so much for them that it was hard not to be overwhelmed.

That evening, when all the beds were made and the couch tucked back, Dean and Cas collapsed on the couch, exhausted but happy. When they had had time to catch their breath, they turned to look at each other, smiling. After a few moments, Dean slid closer and put a hand to Cas’ face. They’d been kissing every night since they got to Bobby’s, but Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest, anyway.

Dean was apparently just as nervous because he spoke before closing the distance. “First kiss in our new apartment. From now on, we don’t have to hide behind a closed door,” he told Cas with a small, triumphant smile.

The statement gave Castiel enough courage to ask, “Do you think we could go for walks in that park, holding hands?”

Dean’s smile was huge. “Yeah, Cas. I’d really, really like that.” His smile faltered. “People might mess with us, I don’t know,” he warned.

But Castiel shook his head. “I don’t mind. I have been given to understand that pepper spray is useful in defending oneself from attackers,” he explained.

“Oh, well, yeah, that, but I just meant people might call us names. There’s a lot of bad names for boys who hold hands, Cas,” Dean told him unhappily.

Cas just smiled wider. “I’m not afraid of words, Dean. No matter what they call me, they can’t take away what you are to me.” This last was said more quietly and Cas saw a sheen appear in Dean’s eyes, just before his mouth closed over Castiel’s.

For the next week or so, this became a routine. When they got home from work, they would sit on the couch and kiss, lazily for half an hour before they did anything else. They started walking in the park a few times a week, hand in hand. Aside from one or two disapproving looks, no one bothered them.

Dean didn’t try to take things further between them until sometime near the end of their first month in the apartment. They’d been kissing more ardently than usual and for a bit longer. Dean’s hands slipped down so that his thumbs aligned over Castiel’s nipples over his shirt and he began making small circles over the fabric.

Cas let out an encouraging noise at the exquisite feeling Dean’s touch was causing. He also did not object more than slightly when Dean’s mouth pulled away from his to work it’s way down his neck and across to the other side. He let Dean’s hand slide inside his shirt to feel his back and chest. It was not until Dean began to roll his hips up against Castiel’s that Cas called a stop to things.

He jumped back slightly, panting wetly. “Dean, I’m not –“

“It’s okay, Cas. We can just go back to kissing,” Dean assured him, dipping back down to do just that.

Dean’s hands slid out of Castiel’s shirt, leaving him cold, but Cas didn’t stop him. Only a few minutes later, Dean called a halt to everything and gently pressed Cas off of his lap. Castiel was reluctant to go, but he could tell that Dean was struggling to hold back his roaming hands and rolling hips at that point. Castiel was struggling himself.

He wanted more than this, but he was afraid. Before Dean could walk away when they stood up, Cas grabbed his hand.

“Soon, Dean. I promise.”

Dean’s smile showed no signs of disappointment, however. “I’m not worried, Cas. This is fine. Gonna take a shower, though,” he said with a wink that made Castiel blush.

Cas had been taking a lot of showers himself lately.

It had been easier than he’d thought to adjust to sleeping in separate rooms, but mostly because they both left their doors open and had their beds so that they could see each other across the hall. However, it was only a couple of weeks into their arrangement – a few days after kissing had escalated to more – when Dean suggested that Cas sleep with him in his bed.

“I won’t try anything, I promise. I just wanna sleep next to you. Is that okay?”

Castiel thought he probably _should_ object, but he didn’t want to. So a few minutes later, he found himself wrapped in the circle of Dean’s arms. He thought he had never felt more safe in his whole existence. He watched Dean as he fell asleep and nearly cried from the weight of his love.

\-----

Leave it to Bobby to guess that there was something between them the very first day. Dean had noticed him acting weird that first night, but Bobby hadn’t said anything until the next night, when Sam had Cas occupied with a discussion about a book. Bobby cornered Dean outside and put him through one of the most embarrassing conversations of his life.

“Boy, I would never in a million years bring this up if you weren’t ready to tell me, except I’m afraid you’re gonna get hurt,” he’d begun.

Dean tried to play dumb, but Bobby wasn’t willing to let it go that easily. “Dean, look, I’m older than you by a lot of years. I was in the trenches, fighting for my country, before you were alive. I’ve seen things. And I know that sometimes love ain’t as easy as boy meets girl, all right?”

Dean gave in and asked, “What do you want to know, Bobby?”

“I can see that you and Cas have something between you. I don’t know what and I don’t want to know. But I just wanna make sure that you know what you’re getting into, falling for an Amish boy, Dean.” He roughly scratched his beard. “Like I said, I don’t want you getting’ hurt.”

“We know what we’re doing, Bobby. He still plans to go back to the village at the end of his time. I know that and he knows that. We – it’s just temporary. We just wanna…I don’t know…enjoy it while we can.” Dean ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

Bobby slowly nodded. “All right, boy. I won’t bring it up again.” He coughed. “But I’m here, if, well…” but he trailed off and just shook his head, walking away. Dean understood the message, anyway. _I’ll be here for you when it’s over_ , is what he’d meant.

The time with Sam was great and the time with the Campbells less so, but at least Dean had secured their promise to let Sam keep visiting him. The summer was going to be chock full of Sammy and Dean was more than a little excited about that. In only a few more days, they’d moved into their apartment and Dean felt like he had a home for the first time in a long time.

Pretty soon, Dean and Cas had been living together just over a month and Dean loved every minute of it. Cas had finally learned to cook passably well and was apparently doing a great job for Bobby. It was nice getting to ride home from work together and see each other at odd moments during the day. Dean thought It was a lot like before they had left the village.

They were out window shopping one Saturday when Dean saw a good deal on a used television. He’d meant to get one sooner, but they’d found other ways to occupy their time thus far. Since this one was so cheap, though, he could resist. He called and got just the basic cable channels, too.

He hadn’t planned on it, but they wouldn’t have to pay for hook-up, just the monthly service, so it wouldn’t be a big expense. Cas was making more at Bobby’s than they’d expected, anyway, so he was carrying his weight on bills. Dean was able to start saving up for the time when Cas was gone.

Every time he thought of it, he got a twist in his stomach, but there was always one sure-fire way to chase the feeling out and that was by kissing Cas until he was dizzy with it. On this particular evening, Dean got a surprise, however.

They’d been kissing for about 10 minutes when Dean felt Cas’ hand slide under his shirt. It was a shock of the best kind. Up to this point, Dean had always been the one who pushed things farther. Cas’ hands would roam, but never over an erogenous zone and never, ever under the clothing.

Dean’s stomach jumped at the touch and he gasped. Cas’ hand froze for a second, but when Dean didn’t pull away, he kept going. Dean’s nipples weren’t particularly erogenous, but it felt nice, anyway. When he got no real response, though, Cas’ hands dipped lower, toward Dean’s waistband. At the last second, however, Cas moved his hands around and up Dean’s back – still under the shirt, though.

Just the proximity to his erection made it throb that much harder, though. Dean thought he would try rubbing their crotches together one more time to see if Cas was more receptive now. He wrapped his hands around Cas waist, then dropped them slightly, so that he was partially gripping Cas’ full, round ass.

Cas, as usual, was straddling him on the couch and Dean slid forward as he pulled Cas toward him. Cas, no doubt knowing where this was headed, did not stop Dean. He merely adjusted his arms on Dean’s back to hold him closer. Dean moved from kissing his mouth to kissing his neck and Cas let his head fall back.

He was letting out tiny noises that were making Dean crazier by the second. Dean took the chance and tilted Cas’ pelvis down and toward his own, rolling up into him. Their cocks slid against each other, denim rasping against denim, and it sent a shockwave through Dean’s body. Cas still didn’t pull away. Instead, he lifted his head to look Dean in the eye and then he rolled his own hips.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat. Cas did it again. The third time, Dean rolled up to meet him, green eyes locked with Cas’ blue ones. He knew right away that it wasn’t going to take long, if Cas allowed them to keep going. Since Cas seemed to be in a receptive mood, Dean thought he may as well ask for a little more.

“Can we take off our jeans and do this with just our boxer briefs?”

Cas nodded mutely and slid off of Dean so that they could remove their pants. Cas hesitated, but then took his shirt off also, and Dean quickly did the same. When Cas sat back down, the feeling of skin on skin was incredible. He’d made out with a few people, but it had never, ever been as good as this with anyone else.

He bent down and took one of Cas’ nipples into his mouth and sucked until Cas whimpered and started rolling his hips again. Dean groaned, the feeling of rubbing against Cas with nothing but underwear between them almost too much to bear. Cas, for the first time, bent down and kissed Dean’s neck. He sucked a bit too hard and Dean was sure he’d left a mark, but Dean found himself not caring if he had to explain a hickey. Bobby and Sam both knew anyway, right?

They rolled against each other at an ever-increasing pace and Dean was sure it would only take a few more before he was over the edge and coming in his shorts. It turned out that Cas wasn’t quite done surprising him, though.

Just when Dean thought he was going to lose his mind, Cas pulled out of the kiss and stood up. Dean felt his stomach drop until Cas said, “Take them off.” At Dean’s dazed confusion, Cas explained, “Your underwear. Take them off.”

Cas proceeded to remove his own and Dean was reasonably certain that his heart stopped beating when Cas was suddenly standing naked before him. His dick was thicker than Dean’s own, but slightly shorter and it veered right as opposed to left. After a moment of staring with an open mouth, Dean finally got with the program and hastily slid off his own shorts.

They were naked together now. Cas got back onto Dean’s lap a little more slowly, obviously savoring the new sensations. For Dean’s part, he was nearly drowning in sensations. The warmth of Cas’ skin against his thighs, the softness of his ass in Dean’s hands and the rub of his pebbled nipples against Dean’s chest were almost too much by themselves. Nothing, however topped the hot silk-over-steel feeling of Cas’ cock rutting up against his own.

“You feel so good, Dean. All of you. So good,” Cas said, his head thrown back.

Dean, moving more on instinct than any practical experience, wrapped his hand around both their erections. He stroked them together and he thought his brain was going to go offline, it felt so good. The pair of them were making noises that neither had made before.

When Cas gasped out his name and kissed him again, that was enough to break the wave of Dean’s orgasm and send it crashing through him. He hunched forward and buried his face against Cas’ shoulder, saying his name like a prayer, as spasm after spasm wracked his body. He felt his release hit his hand and chest, warm and wet and it added lubrication to his still-stroking hand.

That was apparently just what Cas needed to find his own orgasm and his come mixed with Dean’s between their chests and on Dean’s hand. When it was over, he collapsed forward, uncaring of the mess they made as their chests pressed together wetly.

“Dean,” he whispered, then punctuated it with a kiss to Dean’s chest. “Dean, Dean, _Dean_ ,” he said a little bit louder, kissing Dean in a new place between each call of his name.

“Cas?” Dean asked, mildly amused and thoroughly wrecked.

“That was amazing, Dean. So much better than I ever imagined.” He kissed all over Dean’s face. “You’re amazing, Dean,” he said more softly, as he lay his head on Dean’s shoulder again.

Dean kissed the top of his head and squeezed him tight. “You’re pretty amazing yourself, Cas.” _I love you_.

A shower and a quick meal later and they were asleep, wrapped up together as usual. The major difference, of course, was that this time they were naked. Dean definitely did not mind the change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me all the things, I miss you so... ♥


	13. Nesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cas, c'mere," he said, pulling him in for a hug. "I know this isn't the best situation, but let's just focus on right now, okay? That's all that matters. Right now, we get to have this and be with each other. And it's more than either of us ever had before or expected to have and it's good, right?"
> 
> He pulled back, holding Cas face in his hands and studying it for confirmation. Cas smiled and it was the most beautiful thing Dean thought he'd ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see, to catch up on what's been going on with me since last we spoke:  
> 1 - My dogs have gotten out a total of 6 times.  
> 2 - Mahbbys was in an accident (she's fine, but it's been stressful)  
> 3 - I finished my 20k Sabriel Big Bang fic - 8k of which was written in about 12 hours because I am a ~~rampant procrastinator~~ MACHINE  
> 4 - Other stuff I can't remember - OH! I started on the next Trope ficlet, but was not allowed to post/finish until I did the SGBB thing.  
> 5 - I drive back home for 14 hrs tomorrow, so I will get back to the trope soonish.  
> 6 - HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Castiel had been dubious about the television at first. For the first few nights, he would go to his room and read whenever Dean turned it on. Then he started reading in the room with Dean – unless Dean tried to watch sports, in which case he made straight for his room again. The roaring noise of the crowds and announcers set his teeth on edge.

Then came the night that Dean started watching some sort of educational program. Cas couldn’t help but be fascinated by the information he was hearing. He tried to continue reading, but after realizing he’d been listening with his eyes on his book without actually reading for several minutes, he gave in. He closed his book and walked over to sit with Dean on the couch.

Dean smiled and held out his arm for Cas to sit closer. He thought Dean might try to kiss him, but he only wrapped his arm around him and held Castiel by his side, stroking a hand lightly up and down his arm.

They hadn’t done more than kiss since the day they’d gotten the tv, at Cas’ request. He had been too overwhelmed by what he felt during and after.

The guilt had not surprised him, but the fear that he’d be unable to give up sex and go back home did. He was very much afraid if he allowed himself to get used to it, he wouldn’t be able to leave. He had felt so _close_ to Dean in those moments. That was an aspect he hadn’t considered. That sex could be more than just physical pleasure.

Still, as he sat there in the crook of Dean’s arm, watching his very first block of commercials, he thought about doing more than kissing again. He imagined about what other types of sexual acts they could try. He considered the possibility that he might blurt out his feelings in an intense moment.

The thought both thrilled and terrified him. How would Dean react? Dean had feelings for him, that much was clear. How far did those feelings go, though? Did Dean love Cas? Or did he just care about him? Castiel put a stop to these thoughts, however. As much as he wanted Dean’s love, he hoped Dean did not love him. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Dean that much when he left.

They kept it at just kissing that night, but once again slept in the same bed. It wasn’t something that happened every night, but it was frequent enough. Cas was afraid to get used to that, too, but in that instance, he was more interested in making memories he could take with him. He wanted something that would comfort him during the long nights alone and remembering lying cradled next to Dean would be of more comfort than the memories of their lovemaking. The latter, he knew, would only fill him with longing.

The next morning, he woke up on his stomach, to the sensation of hands kneading his back muscles. Every so often a kiss would land somewhere on his skin, near to where the hands were at that moment. Castiel groaned in pleasure as Dean worked the kinks out of his muscles. He had never had a massage before, except for when he was small and his mother used to rub away the cramps in his growing legs.

This massage from Dean gave him an entirely different kind of feeling. When Dean’s hands reached his buttocks, Cas realized that he was naked. He gasped when Dean’s lips pressed at the juncture of his cheeks. Dean continued down the seam, kissing in a straight line as he worked the muscles.

Castiel had such a strong reaction to the kisses that he was mildly surprised his erection did not lift him off the bed. Dean moved on, massaging his thighs and then calves next. Each of his legs received kisses, but none like the continuous line he’d left on Cas’ buttocks.

When Dean was done, he crawled back up the bed and lay atop Castiel, from head to foot, covering him in his body and pressing kisses to his neck, shoulders, and the side of his face. Cas pretended not to notice what was flush against his backside where Dean’s lips has been only moments before.

“Was that good, Cas? Wanted to do something nice for you,” Dean murmured into his ear.

“Y-yes, Dean. It was wonderful. Thank you.”

Dean hummed and gently rocked his hips against Cas, sliding his penis against the cleft of his buttocks and down until the head was lightly rubbing against Castiel’s testicles. Cas let out a small breathy sound at the feeling.

“This okay, Cas? I’ll stop if you want,” Dean whispered as he kissed Cas’ shoulder. “I swear this wasn’t why I gave you the massage. You’re just so gorgeous that little Dean got his own ideas,” he teased, hips rolling again.

Cas took a moment to enjoy the sensations before he said, “It’s okay, Dean.” He hesitated, though, wanting more but afraid to ask. “It would be better if…” He trailed off, too embarrassed to continue.

Thankfully, Dean seems to know what he needed. He rolled them to the side slightly and grasped Cas’ erection firmly before rolling back over. Now when he rocked forward, his motions not only pressed his penis against Castiel’s buttocks and testicles, but also thrust Cas into Dean’s fist.

Cas gasped. Dean kept up a slow steady pace for several minutes, the sound of their harsh breathing and the dry slide of skin the only sounds in the room.

Dean said, “This would probably be better with lube, but I don’t have any.”

Thinking to himself that, as intense as this was, he wasn’t sure if he could handle “better”, Cas said, “Then maybe we should get some.” Castiel wasn’t entirely certain what lube was, but if there were items that would make their sexual encounters easier, he wanted to have them.

“Do you – you mean, like, _now_?” Dean asked, with what sounded like excitement in his voice.

“Do you mind waiting?” Cas asked, rolling over as Dean released his erection.

Dean didn’t, so they opted to walk to the drugstore. Dean insisted that Cas wait outside, to make it less obvious that they were together. When he came out he had several other items besides the bottle of what Castiel learned was lubricant.

At Cas’ raised eyebrows, Dean explained, “I had to make the lube less conspicuous.” He frowned when Cas laughed, but when Cas hugged him, he was mollified slightly.

“Can we walk through the park before we go home?” Castiel asked hopefully. It was one of his favorite things.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean agreed readily.

A few minutes later, they walked past a family playing music from what he understood to be a kind of radio. Dean exclaimed, “Dude, I almost forgot! I haven’t introduced you to Zeppelin yet!” He tugged Cas’ hand firmly and practically drug him back to the apartment.

Castiel had a vague recollection of one of Dean’s early days in the village and talk of a rock band that had been displayed on his t-shirt. He was not sure what to expect, but he watched Dean pull a small silver disc from a slim plastic box and insert it into a slot in a machine Cas didn’t even know Dean had in the apartment.

“Man, I got so used to life without music, I just kind of forgot. I can’t believe that. I knew I brought my CD player, but I never even thought about playing you anything – or myself, either.” He pressed some buttons and music came into the room. “Ok, this one is my favorite of all time, so I hope you like it, but there are others that are really good, too.”

Castiel was trying to decide if he liked the instrumental portion of the piece when he caught a phrase in the lyrics that had him listening more carefully. He heard the next phrase and a smile broke across his face.

“This song references Tolkien’s work!” he said excitedly. “The Hobbit is one of my favorite books.”

Dean grinned at him. “Great, right?”

Cas nodded and when it was over he said, “Play it again, please.”

They listened to it at least five times in a row, at Castiel’s request. Dean’s grin stayed in place the entire time. When it played for the fifth time, Cas said, “Play another one now.”

Cas was surprised by how much reference the music had to religious themes. There was one about Heaven and another about holy things. Some were very sexual in nature, which made him mildly uncomfortable, but he quite enjoyed one about a levee.

When the disc ended, both of them were smiling. “You liked it?”

“Very much, Dean. Do you have more of their music?” Cas asked hopefully.

Dean laughed. “Dude, I’ve got _all_ their music. Getting kinda hungry, though. What do you want to eat? You can listen to another CD while I cook.” Dean found another disc and slid it into the player. Then he went to the kitchen to made them a meal he called “brunch”.

\-----

Dean was pretty much happier than he had ever been in his entire life. It hit him one day when he was working on a car at Bobby’s. He was happy. Right now, everything in his life was pretty much great. He had a good job that he liked, an apartment he shared with Cas – who he loved – and he got to see Sammy just about as much as he wanted to. He wasn’t hurting for money and he wasn’t worrying about whether he was gonna get busted for stealing his next meal.

Jacob had business in the city today, so Dean and Cas were not having lunch together like they normally did, but that was okay. Dean had already come up with a plan and he was grateful for the time to himself to get started. Bobby looked at him a little funny when he sat on the porch with the wood and the carving tools, but Bobby always looked at him funny.

“Whatcha doing there, kid?” the older man asked gruffly.

“Gonna make a thing for Cas. For, um, when he goes back,” Dean told him without looking up from his moving hands.

He saw Bobby nod. “He’s still going back, huh? That’s too bad. He’s a damn fine carpenter. I’d keep him working here long as he wanted, if he decided to stay.”

“I’ll let him know, Bobby. Thanks. But, uh, I don’t think he’s gonna change his mind. Being Amish…it’s all he knows,” Dean said, hating every word that came out of his mouth, but knowing the truth of them.

“Hm,” was all Bobby said. He watched Dean carve a little while longer and then went back inside.

Dean carved until he only had a few minutes left on his break. Then he grabbed his sandwich and wolfed it down, still finishing it as he walked back into the shop and got back to work. He never saw when Cas came back, but he caught a glimpse of him walking past a few times. They smiled at each other, but said nothing.

They were likewise quiet on the ride home. Dean wasn’t sure why Cas wasn’t talking, but his own reasons were clear to him. He was afraid if he talked, he would ask Cas to stay and he couldn’t do that. What he could do, however, was tell the guy what Bobby had said.

“Bobby was talking about you today,” he said as he turned down their street. “He says you’re a great carpenter and he’d hire you for good, if you didn’t have to go home in September.” Dean smiled, trying to pretend there was not a “Please don’t go back in September” hidden under his words.

“That’s very kind of him. I like Bobby a great deal. He’s blunt and doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but he’s warm and kind underneath.” Cas was smiling fondly.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “Bobby’s pretty great.”

“My lunch with Jacob was strange,” Cas confessed as they pulled up to the curb and parked.

“How so?” Dean asked as he opened his door and got out.

They stepped onto the sidewalk and headed up the stairs together and Cas waited until they were on the elevator to speak again.

“I’m not certain. It was almost as if he was encouraging me not to come back?” Cas shook his head. “I don’t know. He didn’t say that, but there were definitely moments when he seemed to be suggesting that I stay here.”

Dean couldn’t tell if Cas’ frown was confusion or dislike of the idea of staying here.

“Well, it’s your decision, Cas.”

Cas smiled at him and Den’s heart melted a little more. “Thank you, Dean.”

“For what?”

“For not pressing your advantage and trying to make me stay. It would make it so much harder on me if you were to do that, but you haven’t and…I want you to know how much it means to me.” He dropped his eyes and raised them again. “Because I know how much you want to ask me to stay,” he admitted.

Dean turned away, not trusting himself to speak. He started pulling ingredients for spaghetti from the cabinets and fridge. Finally, he managed, “I do, but if you stay it’s gotta be for you and not for me. Pass me the big pot?”

They stuck to lighter subjects for the rest of the time it took Dean to cook and after a few minutes, Cas even came up and pressed a kiss to the back of his head and leaned on him while he put items into the sauce pot. Dean’s chest relaxed after a while and stopped feeling so tight and awful.

Cas, as usual, loved the food. The noises he made were bordering on obscene, but they made Dean laugh. “Dude, you act like you’ve never had food before.”

“Spaghetti is a rare treat for me. It is not a frequent meal in the village.” He took another bite and swallowed it. “Besides, Jacob took us to a restaurant specializing in salads today. Sam would love it, but I am dangerously close to starvation at present.”

Dean laughed at Cas’ melodramatic hyperbole. He’d never talked like that before Dean came along and Dean liked knowing he’d had an impact. He also liked that Cas knew Sam so well – and that Cas’ culinary tastes were more similar to his own.

“Is Sam still coming over tomorrow?”

“Yeah, and he wanted to make sure you two were still on for Wednesday services at church.”

Dean couldn’t help the curl of his upper lip as he said the words. He tried to be open-minded about Cas’ beliefs, but he’d seen another homophobic protest on the news that morning and he wasn’t in a church-loving mood. He couldn’t forget that the church Cas embraced was preaching all about how wrong it was for he and Cas to be together.

“Dean…” Cas said imploringly, but it wasn’t going to work today.

“No, Cas. Don’t try to defend them. Not today, all right? I’m not going to try and talk you out of it, but don’t try and talk me into it.” He stabbed a bite of spaghetti like it had done him wrong and shoved it into his mouth. “They hate us, Cas. They preach about love and forgiveness, but then they pour hate all over us and it’s not okay.”

What Dean didn’t say was that his main reason for being angry at the church was because they were what was taking Cas away from Dean in another month and a half. Because the way Dean saw it, if the church didn’t object to them being together, he could move back to the village and be with Cas and he wouldn’t be walking around with this damn countdown timer in his head – or the ache in his chest.

“You’re angry with me,” Cas said quietly.

“What? No. I’m not angry with you, Cas, I promise,” Dean assured him.

“You…” Cas stopped and shook his head, getting emotional. Then he let out a breath and tried again. “You’re angry that my beliefs are going to separate us.”

Dean had stopped wondering how Cas could always read him so well. Wasn’t like Dean couldn’t read Cas, too. Still, Cas had it slightly wrong.

“Yeah, Cas. I am mad about that. But not at _you_ ,” he corrected gently.

Cas nodded and dropped his head. They finished dinner in silence. When the meal was over, Cas walked over and turned on the stereo, playing one of Dean’s Zeppelin CD’s. Then he came back and started washing the dishes while swaying slightly to the music. Sometimes Dean caught a snippet of him singing to himself, but he stopped whenever he knew Dean was listening.

When Dean couldn’t take the tension anymore, he walked up behind Cas and wrapped his arms around him, laying his head on Cas’ shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the side of his neck and rubbed his nose near Cas’ ear.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean to bring all that up. It’s just…I’ve spent my whole life being judged for one thing or another, you know? And their judgment is worse because…well, like you said,” he finished, not wanting to say it again.

Cas smiled over his shoulder, eyes soft. “I understand. I’m not upset with you.” He turned his head back to the sink. “I don’t want this to be over, either, you know.” His words were bare audible over the sound of his scrubbing, but Dean heard him clearly.

Dean tamped down the urge to remind Cas it didn’t have to be. He’d promised not to push and he wasn’t going to start now. “Let’s just make the most out of every minute we have, okay?” Dean said instead, pressing a kiss to Cas’ temple.

Cas smiled again. “Yes, Dean, let’s do that.” He turned in Dean’s arms and kissed him deeply.

They left it at kissing for the night and with Sam there and church to go to the next night, they barely even did that. Dean didn’t mind, though he did miss Cas sleeping in his bed whenever Sam came to stay.

Thursday night when they all sat down to watch tv, Sam pointed out, “Y’all really need a coffee table.”

As Dean set his drink on the floor, he had to admit the kid was right. “I’ve looked at thrift shops, but they’re all either ugly or too much. I’ll keep looking.”

“Cas could build one, couldn’t you, Cas? I mean, that’s sorta what you do, right?” Sam asked.

Cas looked adorably like a deer in headlights. “I had not realized there was a need before, but yes, I can make a table for us. Would you like me to do that, Dean?”

Dean really liked the idea of Cas making their table. And it was something he could keep when Cas was back in the village. Still, he hated to ask. “Well, I mean…you do that all day long at work now, so…”

“I have always done carpentry throughout the day, since I was old enough to wield a hammer, Dean. I would enjoy making a table for us. How large would you like it to be?” Cas pulled out a small notebook and took down the measurements Dean gave him.

“Awesome, Cas. Um, I guess we can go to Home Depot after work tomorrow or maybe just Saturday morning?” Dean asked. Then he had a sudden thought. “Ooh. Probably better to build it at Bobby’s, though. I don’t think our neighbors are gonna wanna hear all that banging on a Saturday morning.” Dean was proud of himself for not laughing at the obvious double entendre he hadn’t meant to make.

“That is undoubtedly true,” Cas agreed with a small smile.

“So what are we watching?” Sam asked, effectively changing the subject.

Dean mentioned to Bobby the next day that they were planning a trip to Home Depot and he was glad he did because Bobby had other ideas. It turned out that a cedar tree had been felled during the last big storm and Bobby had been trying to figure out what to do with it.

“I bet with Castiel’s background, he could figure out how to carve that thing up into lumber and use _that_ to make a table. I’ll talk to him about it. Got plenty of nails, too.”

Cas, it turned out, was thrilled by the idea of using found wood, rather than stuff cut on a machine. Instead of a trip to Home Depot, after work they went out to where the tree was and, with Cas instructing them all the way, they chopped up the tree into workable pieces. Since it was fairly large for a cedar, Cas came up with some ideas for the other pieces, too – including something for Bobby, though Dean was the only one who knew that.

Bobby had no problem with them coming over to work on the table the next day, so they left all the wood where it was and Bobby made them dinner. It had been an exhausting evening, so when he suggested they all spend the night, no one objected. Dean wasn’t expecting to get pushed against the door again like the first night they stayed, but evidently Cas was the nostalgic sort.

“I don’t think I could ever get tired of kissing you,” Cas whispered against his mouth before kissing him again.

Dean’s chest clenched at the idea that they wouldn’t get a chance to get tired of it, but he kissed back for all that he was worth, hands buried in Cas’ thick, dark hair. He put all the emotions he couldn’t say into the kiss, licking “I love you” into the hidden crevices of Cas’ mouth. He dragged Cas back from him to catch his breath and rested his forehead against Cas’ chest.

“We should stop for tonight, as much as I don’t want to,” he murmured as his thumbs rubbed circles into Cas’ shoulders.

Cas slipped his arms around and pulled Dean to him again, not for a kiss, but into a tight hug. “I’m very happy, Dean,” he whispered into Dean’s hair. “Happier than I’ve ever been. Thank you,” he said softly, kissing Dean on the side of his head before pulling back and letting go.

“Same here, Cas,” Dean promised with a smile.

Being in bunk beds meant they couldn’t spoon like they normally did, but that was normal when Sam stayed the night anyway. Still, it was a comfort for Dean just to have Cas so close and in the same room, like they’d been at the dorm.

Dean hadn’t made a conscious decision not to tell Sam that he and Cas were together. It just felt better to keep it to himself. If he had to give it up later, then for now he just wanted it to be his. The closer time got to the end of Cas’ rumspringa, the less Dean liked it, but he did his best not to think about it more than necessary. Instead, he just let himself enjoy the present and daydream about tomorrow’s kisses. It was the best he could hope for, at least for now. Cas could still decide to stay. Dean intended to do everything he could to convince him – without ever saying a word about it.

The next morning, Bobby made a big breakfast and it struck Dean for the first time that Bobby seemed to like having people to look after. He felt worse than ever about running out on him before, but then he reminded himself of two things. The first was that he knew Bobby had long since forgiven him. The second was that, if he hadn’t, he’d never have met Cas – and that was not a state of being Dean cared to contemplate. Knowing Cas was _better_ and that’s all there was to it.

He teased Bobby about the spread, which got affectionate grumbling as a response, but Dean couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Everyone at this table was family and it made Dean happy to be here. He felt tears prickle his eyes, but he stole things from Sam’s plate to distract himself—and his little brother’s hilarious indignation was enough to do just that.

“So, you ready to get started on the table, Cas?” he asked as he helped Bobby clear the table.

“Can I help?” Sam asked eagerly.

Dean had been planning to help, but he knew four extra hands would be too many, so thought he would work on Cas’ gift in the meantime. “Yeah, can the rugrat help? It’ll get him out of my hair for a while,” he joked.

Cas smiled a little. “Of course, Sam. I would enjoy the company. Bobby, you said there were nails and hammers I could use?”

“Yeah, if Dean doesn’t mind cleaning up, I’ll go get ‘em,” Bobby replied.

“Nah, I got this. Do your thing.”

He spent a little while washing dishes and then cleaned up the counters and the table, too. Once the room looked presentable again, he headed out to the porch where he’d left his wood and carving tools. He got so engrossed in what he was doing that he actually finished it while Cas and Sam were still working on the table.

Just before he would have gone in search of something to seal it with, Bobby banged through the screen door. “Come help me with lunch, kiddo. Unless you’re busy?”

“Nope, just finished. What do you think?” Dean nervously held out the carving for inspection. It was a simple rendering of Castiel’s name in block lettering, but with little embellishments here and there that kept it from being too plain.

“I think you’ve gotten pretty damn good at wood carving in the last few months, boy. He’ll love it.” Bobby motioned him toward the door. “Come on, gimme a hand now and after lunch I’ll get you some of Castiel’s shellac for it. I wanna talk to you about something before they come back.”

Bobby told Dean to grab the ham and onion. He started to say something else, but Dean couldn’t find the onion, so they wasted 15 minutes looking for it before realizing it was already sitting on the table. Bobby said they’d discuss it when they finished cooking, but by the time they were done with making lunch, Cas and Sam had come back inside, announcing that the table was finished. Dean wasn’t surprised, but Bobby obviously was. Dean had not yet mentioned to Cas what Bobby said, but Bobby spared him the trouble.

“Boy, I tell you what, I already told Dean yesterday, but it is a shame you gotta go back to your village,” he said as he dished food onto plates around the table. “I’d keep you working around here as long as you wanted.”

“But surely you know that your renovations – even as extensive as they are – won’t take that long to complete,” Cas said with a small smile that told Dean he was touched, even if he couldn’t accept.

“Hell, you’ve seen this place. You don’t think I could use all new handmade furniture for every room? Coz I sure do. And I’ve wanted a new deck forever.” He sat down and waited for Cas to quietly say his grace before continuing. “But anyway, if I did run out of stuff, I’d just convince you to go into the furniture making business with me,” he told Cas with a grin.

Cas chuckled. “You haven’t even seen the table, Bobby. For all you know, it could wobble and be unattractive.”

Bobby grinned. “Well, Dean’s unattractive and wobbly, but it don’t make me love him any less,” he said with a wink.

At Dean’s protest and scowl, he just laughed and ate his meal. Cas and Sam were also laughing, so Dean couldn’t stay annoyed for long. Cas didn’t find him unattractive and that was what counted, right?

“Shut up,” he told them, tucking into his food.

After lunch, Bobby said they should all go look at the table, but he held Dean back while the other two went outside.

“Hand me the carving you did and once y’all head back up here I’ll shellac it for you and hang it in the shop where Cas won’t find it.”

“Thanks, Bobby.”

The table was, in a word, perfect. Cas had used the natural shape of the wood, rather than forcing the planks into rectangles and the result was a more fluid table, with rounded corners and edges. He had sanded the wood, bringing out the natural color, and then sealed it with a thick coat of clear shellac. It was tall enough that they could eat off of it from the couch, if they had to, and it had a shelf underneath for storing things out of the way.

“I love it!” Dean gushed when he saw it. “Man, it’s great, Cas. You and Sam did an awesome job!”

Cas looked incredibly pleased, but said nothing.

“Cas did all the hard stuff. I just held what he said and hammered when he told me to. He did all the sawing and measuring and sanding and everything. Looks great, though, right?” Sam asked.

“That is a fine looking table, Castiel,” Bobby confirmed. “In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it is neither wobbly nor unattractive,” he teased with a pointed look. Then he grew dismissive. “Well, it’s still gotta dry for a bit, so why don’t y’all head on back and then later I’ll drive it over in my pickup? I wanna see how the apartment looks anyway and I’ll take you boys out to dinner while I’m in town, whaddya say?”

Dean was all for it. “Sounds good, Bobby. Cas, Sam, you ready to go?”

So the three of them headed back to the apartment in Dean's car. Sam was a chatterbox the whole way, talking about everything he and Cas had done to make the table. Dean and Cas shared indulgent—and in Cas' case slightly embarrassed—smiles. Sam was effusive in his praise of the table and Cas was clearly unused to such praise.  
  
When he could get a word in edgewise, Dean said, "It really does look great, Cas. Can't wait to put it in the apartment. We're gonna have to buy coasters now, huh, Sammy?"  
  
"Yeah, we'd better. You wanna do that now?"  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
So they headed to a housewares store while they waited for Bobby to arrive. Dean started to grab the cheap plastic ones he saw first, but Sam got distracted  by some funny ones and made Dean keep looking. Cas wasn’t really participating and Dean and Sam started arguing good naturedly about a few sets.

Dean almost didn’t hear it when Cas said, “I like these,” in a soft voice. He looked sad and Dean didn’t know what, but he forced himself to look at the coasters first.

“Dude, those are perfect!” Dean exclaimed as soon as he saw the simple stone circles. They fit with the table itself.

“Ooh, yeah, I like those!” Sam agreed.

Cas looked less sad and even had a small smile now, but Dean knew something bigger than coasters happened in that store. Cas was subdued all the way back to the apartment. When they got there, he said he was going to lie down until Bobby arrived. Dean didn’t even know Cas knew the concept of a nap, much less that he ever took them. Dean had certainly never witnessed the phenomenon before.

“Dean, is Cas okay?” Sam asked in a small voice as soon as Cas’ bedroom door was closed. “He seemed bummed at the store and now he’s napping? That’s weird, right?”

Dean sighed. “I don’t know, Sammy. Yeah, it is weird. I don’t know. He was fine when we got there, I thought.”

Sam was thoughtful for a moment and then he said, “Do you think it’s because…well, like, we were buying it for the apartment, right? And he lives here now, but…later he’s not going to anymore, so the coasters aren’t really _his_ , you know?”

Dean made a decision. “I’m gonna go talk to him. You stay here. Watch some tv or something, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. You’re not worried about waking him up?”

Dean shook his head. “He’s not sleeping.” He strode over to the door and knocked softly. “Cas? Can I come in?”

The door opened and Cas peered out, not opening it enough for Dean to come inside. “I told you, I was going to take a nap,” he said in confusion.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said, looking over his shoulder to make sure Sam wasn’t paying attention to them and he dropped his voice. “That’s kind of why I’m here. I’m worried about you. You don’t take naps, Cas. And in the store, you seemed… upset.”

Cas frowned and stepped back, gesturing Dean in while looking at Sam. He closed the door and faced Dean, crossing his arms over his chest, whether in defensiveness or because he was cold in the thin tshirt he’d changed into, Dean couldn’t tell.

“I found myself standing there in that store, looking for domestic items and… I found myself wishing that I did not have to go.” He held up a hand, as though to stop Dean from reminding him of the obvious fact that going was his own choice.

Dean, however, was unmoved by the staying hand.

"Cas, c'mere," he said, pulling him in for a hug. "I know this isn't the best situation, but let's just focus on right now, okay? That's all that matters. Right now, we get to have this and be with each other. And it's more than either of us ever had before or expected to have and it's good, right?"

He pulled back, holding Cas face in his hands and studying it for confirmation. Cas smiled and it was the most beautiful thing Dean thought he'd ever seen. 

"Yes, Dean. It is good. It's very good." 

He leaned forward and gave Dean a small kiss, barely a brush of the lips. He looked deep into Dean's eyes with that penetrating stare of his and Dean felt his skin flush as a moment swelled around them. 

"Dean, I....” he began, but faltered, tears welling in his eyes. Then he shook his head and the moment passed. He stepped out of Dean's arms and smiled again, though it wobbled. "I am very happy to be in this moment with you. I would not trade it."

Dean made himself smile back even wider. “Well, good. Because I’m happy and I wouldn’t trade it, either.” He brushed a stray lock of hair from Cas’ face, unable to keep from touching as often as he could get away with. “So what do you say we go back out there and hang out with Sam instead of you moping in here and pretending to sleep, huh?”

Cas huffed a laugh and nodded.

So they watched some TV and joked around with Sam until Bobby arrived and they put the table in and added the coasters to it. The stone looked great on the wood just like Dean had suspected.

“Looks good in here, boys,” Bobby told them when it was all set up. “Now let’s go eat, I’m starving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me all the loves, my little porn muffins (I ~~blame~~ love you, Twist!), I need it. ♥♥♥


	14. You never really wanted anything, but what you really need is everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though he put on a brave face for Dean, the truth was, he felt the clock ticking down the minutes until he had to go back and he hated it. He hated so much he had very nearly said the words he’d been holding inside for months. As far as he could tell, Dean had known he was about to say it. He’d seen the way Dean’s green eyes had widened and how he’d held his breath.
> 
> He couldn’t tell if Dean felt disappointment or relief when he changed his mind, but all he felt was the aching desire to be able to return home with Dean. To have his plain living life and his best friend and love by his side. He forced himself to stay in the moment and enjoy the evening with his friends, but that night he knelt by his bedside and prayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's Wednesday again. I'm back in Texas now, in one piece, though I feel scattered to the nine winds, whatever the hell those are. My doggies are happy to have me home, as is my cat. As well as manperson and panperson. I have to do all the baking today and tomorrow because we aren't buying Christmas gifts this year. I'm giving the gift of too much sugar instead. But, in the words of Dean,
> 
> #  **_Pie._ **

When the table was complete, Castiel felt an emotion to which he was unaccustomed. He felt a sense of pride in his work. He’d been taught that pride was a sin, but he was conflicted suddenly. Now that he’d started to question a few of the things he’d been taught – like whether or not it was wrong to lie with another man – he was questioning a lot of what he had been told.

He felt in his heart that God was real. His faith in the Creator had not wavered at all.

However, he also questioned whether Dean had not been correct with something he’d said before. He’d said, if God had blessed Cas with something then Cas could hardly be modest about it because it was really a form of praise for God. So was it so wrong to be pleased that God had allowed him to be so good at carpentry and woodwork? So wrong to take pleasure in the praise Sam, Bobby and most especially Dean had given him for it? Castiel thought perhaps it was not.

It occurred to him sometime between entering the store and standing in front of the coasters that he’d made a table he couldn’t keep, for a home he couldn’t stay in. Then he realized that they were picking out coasters that he would only get to use temporarily. He hadn’t even known what coasters were until that very day and soon he’d be without them again.

Perversely, it made him want to choose them even more. If he couldn’t stay in the apartment with Dean, at least his wood work and his choice of coaster could, along with the handful of other small items he’d chosen.

Though he put on a brave face for Dean, the truth was, he felt the clock ticking down the minutes until he had to go back and he hated it. He hated so much he had very nearly said the words he’d been holding inside for months. As far as he could tell, Dean had known he was about to say it. He’d seen the way Dean’s green eyes had widened and how he’d held his breath.

He couldn’t tell if Dean felt disappointment or relief when he changed his mind, but all he felt was the aching desire to be able to return home _with_ Dean. To have his plain living life and his best friend and love by his side. He forced himself to stay in the moment and enjoy the evening with his friends, but that night he knelt by his bedside and prayed.

“Lord, I have always been so faithful. I don’t know why you’ve sent me this test, but I feel like I am failing. I love Dean so much. Is it wrong? Is it possible to stay with Dean and still maintain who I am and how I serve you? Being Amish is all I’ve ever known. It is all I ever expected to know. But Dean makes my life so much better, Lord. He makes me even more grateful to You. For creating him, for bringing him to me, for the friendship that we share. How can that be wrong?”

Cas lay awake for a long time that night, listening to the sounds of the apartment. Sam had fallen asleep with the television on and occasionally snippets of conversation from the show he’d been watching drifted through.

Before he finally fell asleep, Castiel had thought it through from all the angles he could think of. He thought about how he was still doing the work he’d done in the village and that he still attended church frequently and still lived rather plainly, despite the electricity and the television. He thought about the community, small though it might be, that he had formed with Dean and Sam and Bobby. By the end of his thoughts, he was starting to wonder if maybe he could stay.

Could he give up being Amish for a chance at a life with Dean? The idea that maybe he _could_ allowed him, at last, to sleep.

He didn’t speak of his thoughts to Dean. He just enjoyed their time together and became evermore affectionate with him. They had experimented more with sexual practices – after he and Dean had sat down one night and Dean had explained to him the many options available to him – but they had held off on penetrative sex thus far for many reasons.

Cas, however, was starting to think he was ready to try it. With only a few weeks left to go before he had to make a final decision, he brought it up with Dean while they were lying together after having shared orgasms from oral sex. Dean was surprised by Castiel’s interest, but also seemed pleased.

He was smiling at Cas, touching his face with his hand, but then his hand faltered and so did his smile. Castiel saw his lip tremble and his stomach dropped.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Dean whispered, rubbing a thumb over Castiel’s bottom lip. “Don’t know what I’m gonna do when you leave.” He shook his head. “I don’t regret it, though. This has been the best time of my life, Cas. I’m never going to forget it.”

In that moment, Castiel almost told him he would stay. He was on the verge of making a promise to do just that, but Dean’s phone rang and the moment was gone. When Dean was done talking to Sam, his melancholy had passed and he went back to the previous subject.

“So, you really think you’re ready for, you know, _that_?” he asked with obvious excitement.

“Yes, Dean, I think I am. I may change my mind, but… I would like to try. However, I think we should plan for it. I don’t think it should be a spur of the moment decision.”

“Okay, how’s Saturday? Sam can’t come over this weekend and we won’t have to work the next day, so we can take our time, have the whole night. What do you think?” Dean asked, eyes bright and soft and happy again.

Cas smiled at him, happy to be in this moment with this beautiful person before him. “Yes, Dean. I think that sounds like a good plan.”

They didn’t speak of it again in the time in between. Castiel wasn’t certain if Dean was looking as forward to it as he himself was, but he suspected that was the case. Cas was nervous, of course, but mostly excited to share this new intimacy with the person he loved.

On Friday afternoon, Bobby asked Dean if he could come over early on Saturday morning to help him with a car restoration. He wouldn’t need him for long and it was extra pay, so Dean readily agreed and Castiel was glad. It would give him some time to himself before they tried anything and he thought he would need it.

Saturday dawned bright and cool and when Dean got up to head to Bobby’s Cas got up as well. Dean asked if he wanted to go to Bobby’s and do some wood work and Cas considered but ultimately declined the offer. He wanted time to clean himself thoroughly and to emotionally prepare.

As had become his habit when alone in the apartment, he turned the television on to one of the educational channels. He went and took his shower and then went to the kitchen to make breakfast. Then he heard a word from the television that made him rush his eggs so that he could sit down on the couch and watch the program.

“…being gay in the Amish community was like for these individuals,” the narrator said and Castiel’s eyes were wide.

There were others like him out there? Maybe these people could give him the answers that he needed. He ate his eggs as he watched the documentary that focused on the stories of three gay men and one gay woman who had been or still were Amish.

At first, the stories seemed happy enough. Like Castiel, two of them had noticed first that they simply weren’t attracted to the “opposite” gender—Castiel had only recently learned there were more than just two genders. Then each of them had met someone during rumspringa that had made them realize they were attracted to the same gender. The other two had suspected as much even before their rumspringa, but likewise met someone who cemented this belief.

“It was great, all of it, until my parents found out about him,” one young man said. “They weren’t going to shun me until I slipped up and told them.”

The other stories were similar. One boy had been struggling in a way almost identical to Cas’ own struggle. He loved another boy, but he wanted to remain Amish. He had intended to return to plain living and leave the boy behind.

“We were careless. He and I went out in public and were affectionate with each other. What I didn’t realize was that someone from the community was visiting the city. They saw us together and told my father.” The young man broke down and wept here. “I told them I’d intended to come home, but they said they would only accept me if he and I had not consummated our relationship. Otherwise, I would be shunned and not allowed to come home.”

Castiel’s blood thundered in his ears. He heard the rest with half an ear, but it was all the same. Only one of the people interviewed was still in the Amish community – and he said that, despite the fact he wasn’t being shunned, he was still treated differently than everyone else.

“They know what I am. They know what I’ve done. They no longer accept me, even if they pretend. They haven’t forced me to take a wife, mainly because they feel like it would soil a woman to be with me, I think. I consider leaving, but this is the only life I know.”

When the program ended, Cas turned off the television. He drew his knee up to his chest and felt wave after wave of anxiety and nausea roll over him. He had thought he could handle not living plain in order to be with Dean, but giving up all contact with his Amish family? His guardians weren’t his parents, but they were the only family he had. Jacob Davidson was like an uncle to him.

And what if, as was the case with one of the people in the documentary, he gave up living plain for Dean only for Dean to leave him a year from now? He wouldn’t be able to go back to his old life and he didn’t think he would survive in this new life without Dean. Then he thought about leaving Dean and his heart ached.

His stomach rebelled against these thoughts, sending him rushing to the bathroom to divest himself of the eggs he’d eaten for breakfast. His heart was pounding and so was his head. He rinsed his mouth and stood there, bent over the sink and shaking – but he didn’t think those symptoms were only from being sick.

With an intense feeling of loss, he realized what he had to do. He could not make love with Dean today. He could no longer allow Dean to touch him or kiss him or act in any way towards each other that was more intimate than friendship. If Dean would even willing continue to be friends for the next few weeks. If not, Cas supposed he would have to find somewhere to stay until his time was over. Perhaps Bobby would allow him to sleep at his house?

He couldn’t allow Dean to see how heartbroken he was. Dean would use that to convince him not to do this. He couldn’t show weakness now. He had to show Dean that he meant what he said. He cried and then cleaned himself up, so that Dean wouldn’t see.

With a mounting sense of dread, Castiel sat on the couch and waited for Dean to return, planning the speech in his head. His hands continued to shake and he felt like there was acid burning through his insides. When he heard the key in the lock, his heart pounded so painfully he thought it might burst through his chest.

He watched Dean’s bright smile fall away as he saw Castiel’s own face, but he couldn’t let his pain show. He took a deep breath that did nothing to steady him and started talking.

\-----

Bobby had said he’d wanted to talk to Dean about something after they finished with the car, but Dean was paying so little attention while they were working on the car that Bobby finally said they’d talk about it later. Dean felt bad about it, but he couldn’t keep his mind off Cas and how great the last two months had been.

Dean wasn’t sure if Cas even remembered what they had talked about doing today, but as his mind kept wandering back to Cas while Bobby talked, he found it really didn’t even matter. He just wanted to get home to hold him and kiss him and that would be enough. Dean loved sex, but just plain physical affection was something he’d never had before and he loved it almost as much.

He was a little scared of how much he had grown to need those little touches. Hugs, hands sliding down backs, and little shoulder squeezes had all become more important than he could’ve dreamed. They were the highlights of his day, second only to Cas’ smiles and Cas’ kisses. He didn’t know how he’d give it all up when it was time, but he was glad it wasn’t time yet. Right now, he needed those things like he needed air and he couldn’t get home fast enough.

Then he walked through the door and saw Cas and knew right away something was off.

“Cas, what –“

“Dean, after doing a lot of thinking and praying on the matter, I have come to the conclusion that any continued relationship between us would be ill-advised. I should never have allowed things to progress this far and, as I will be leaving to go home in a short period of time, I think it would be best if we went back to being just friends.”

“Wait, Cas,” Dean said, stepping forward and trying to touch Cas’ shoulder. Cas stepped backward.

“Please don’t touch me, Dean. I think it is best if we refrain from all physical contact for the duration of my stay.”

Dean heard the words coming out of Cas’ mouth, but he refused to believe them. Everything had been going so well. Why was Cas doing this now? They were supposed to have a couple of weeks yet, even if Cas hadn’t changed his mind. Why was he taking it away?

“Cas, wait, we talked about this. We were gonna be together until you had to go back, you said. You told me –“

“I know, Dean. And I’m sorry,” Cas told him in a monotone, showing no emotion. “I just think it is for the best if we go ahead and end things now and stay friends until it is time for me to return.”

“But, Cas –“

“Dean, it isn’t as if we didn’t know this day would come. It’s just coming a little earlier than expected. It will be better for both of us if we don’t drag it out.” Still he spoke in that same dull voice, with no feeling in it whatsoever.

“Why now, Cas? Why today? Is it because we were going to –“

“Our intention to consummate did factor into my decision, but it was hardly the only reason. I have a life that doesn’t allow a relationship like ours. I am sorry, Dean. You knew this when we started.”

The pain was too great and Dean gratefully let the anger boil it away. “Yeah, I knew. And I was willing to take whatever scraps you were willing to throw me. We didn’t have to do anything tonight, Cas. Or ever. I would’ve…” This time, Dean stopped himself, letting the anger take charge again, needing it to fill the hole where his heart had been. “Whatever, I don’t need this. I’ve been in the city for over 2 months, I coulda been out fucking whoever I wanted all this time.”

He saw Cas flinch, but rather than making him stop, it spurred him on. He needed to lash out, to wound as he had been wounded.

“Guess I still can, huh? You don’t want me, fine. I’ll find someone who does and I will fuck their brains outs till I forget your name.”

Dean didn’t really intend to follow through on the threat, but he left the apartment just the same, slamming the door on his way out. He still had his fake ID, so he could probably find a bar. He liked the occasional beer, but tonight he kinda thought he might have a dozen. He wanted to drink until he forgot how much he loved that stupid blue eyed fucker who’d just ripped his heart out.

When he got to the bar, he wasn’t even carded. The bartender was too busy flirting with the college girls to pay much attention. He got his beer and was forgotten. He really did intend to just drink himself into a stupor and not pick up anyone. However, his inability to get the bartender’s attention again coupled with his inability to shake the attention of the curvy blonde a few stools over meant plans changed.

\-----

When the echo of the slamming door had died, Castiel thought he might be sick. He had known Dean would be upset, but he’d never expected him to react like this. Cas should have explained himself better. Or maybe he shouldn’t have tried to hold his emotions in check like that.

“Dean,” he whispered into the empty apartment, sliding to the floor in the kitchen.

He felt something dig into his backside and realized it was the wooden keychain of his name that Dean had carved for him. He ran his thumb over it gently. Sobs overtook him then. He was hurt and angry himself. Angry at Dean, angry at God, angry at everything. Because of everything that he wanted and couldn’t have.

“Why did you bring him to me?” he asked God in a hoarse whisper as his chest heaved. “If it’s so wrong for me to love him, why did you make him so wonderful? _WHY_?!” he yelled into the air, throwing the keychain against the wall and earning an angry knock and shout from the neighbors.

He lay there on the floor for a long time, until his tears dried up. Then he just sat there, in a numb haze for a while. He didn’t know when Dean might be home, but he didn’t want him to see evidence of his tears. Castiel got up and went to the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water over and over again. He still looked red and puffy, so he put a wet cloth in the freezer for a few minutes and then used it on his face.

He tried to not wonder whether Dean was at the other person’s house already. He tried not to picture him in someone else’s bed. He didn’t want to guess whether Dean would find a male or female companion. He didn’t need to care whether they were a better kisser than he himself was.

He went and sat on the couch. He tried to read, but he couldn’t concentrate. The damage was done now and Dean had run to someone else. If his love was that fickle, then Cas probably hadn’t needed it, anyway, right? Better to learn now. Still, if Castiel hadn’t cast him away without reason – which is no doubt how Dean had seen it, since Cas refused to explain himself – then Dean could hardly be blamed for his reaction.

After a while, he heard voices in the hallway. It was a giggling girl and a much lower voice that Castiel did not want to believe was Dean’s. He told himself it couldn’t be. Surely Dean wouldn’t be so cruel. Bad enough for him to lay with another, but _here_? Surely he wouldn’t.

As the voices neared the door and then stopped outside them, Castiel held his breath, hoping against hope to be wrong. Then he heard the lock turning and the door opened and that giggle was no longer muffled by the wood of the door. He jumped up as he heard footsteps, running toward Dean without even thinking.

\-----

Dean stumbled through the door with Starla in tow, to find Cas sitting on the couch. Dean barely spared him a glance, but he jumped up and ran toward them, trying to halt Dean’s progress to his room.

“Dean? What are you doing?” His voice sounded frantic and Dean smiled at Starla and sent her to the room, closing the door behind her.

He turned on Cas without bothering to hide the hurt and anger in his face. “What I told you I was going to do, Cas. Moving on with someone else.”

“I didn’t know you meant _here_ ,” Cas cried in a loud whisper, actually wringing his hands. “Please, Dean, not here. Don’t do it where…” Dean was pretty sure that was an aborted sob and something in his chest seemed to tear at the sound. “Where I have to hear you. Not right across the hall. Please, Dean. I can’t... I can’t bear that.” This time the sob was not aborted. Cas ran into his room and closed the door. Dean heard the lock slide home.

All Dean’s anger slid away the moment Cas said he couldn’t bear it. The raw anguish on his face trumped everything else. Dean suddenly realized how hard Cas’ decision had been for him. He’d been so busy feeling all his own shit he hadn’t stopped to think what any of this felt like for _Cas_.

He stood there for a moment, head hung low, eyes closed. He took a deep breath and stepped into his bedroom. Thankfully, Starla was still dressed, lying only half-awake on his bed. This hadn’t been a good idea, even without Cas in the picture, he realized. He wiped a hand down his face.

“Starla, sweetheart, I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta send you back home.” He tried a sympathetic smile, but he had no idea if it worked. He hoped she didn’t turn into an angry drunk.

She just looked at him in confusion and tried to kiss his neck, getting a mouthful of shirt instead. “What? Why, Dean-baby? I thought we were gonna have some fun!” Each word was punctuated with a finger walking up his shirt and then she giggled and stumbled, almost bringing them both down.

“I know, sweetheart and I’d love to, but I’m afraid my friend needs me, so I’m gonna have to take a raincheck, all right? Let’s go get you a cab.” She had started to frown, but he kissed her forehead and her pout turned into a smile.

“Ok, Deano. Let’s get me home,” she agreed with a flirty smile. “We’ll try again later, right?”

“Absolutely,” he lied, remembering, as she clearly did not, that they had not exchanged phone numbers—and he’d given the address to the cabbie before she got in, so she didn’t actually know his address.

He got her on her way, hailing the cab and even paying for the fare in advance. She waved at him drunkenly as the cab took off and he kept the fake smile on his face until she was out of sight. Then his shoulders sagged and he headed back up the stairs.

He knocked quietly on Cas’ bedroom door when he got back inside. There was no answer, so he said, “I got rid of her, Cas. She’s gone. Nothing happened.” He waited a beat and added, “I’m sorry.”

There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. Not if Cas wasn’t even speaking to him. He stroked the outside of the door with his fingertips, wishing it was Cas’ face he was touching. He pressed his forehead hard against the door and then pulled away. He turned to walk back across the hall to his room and the door behind him opened.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas whispered. “I’m sorry too.”

Dean heard another of those shuddering almost-sobs and spun around at the sound. He pulled Cas into his arms, not knowing if he would come willingly or not, but Cas arms came up and wrapped around him. Cas tucked his face against Dean’s neck and chest, as his body was wracked by sobs.

“Shh, shh, Cas, it’s okay, baby. It’ll be okay,” Dean murmured.

He didn’t believe that it would be okay, not with them apart, but he just needed Cas not to be crying. He’d never get through this with Cas hurting so much. He preferred it when he was the only one hurting. He was used to that. He couldn’t take Cas being in pain, though. It was killing him.

“Will it, Dean?” Cas pulled back to ask, eyes wild. “How can it be? Being without you….” He stopped talking and buried his face against Dean again, muffling the rest of his words. “It’s not what I want at all, Dean, you have to know that. I _love_ you!” he cried as a fresh wave of sobs gripped him.

Dean’s whole body went rigid. They hadn’t named it before. They hadn’t said the words. Now Cas had unleashed it into the world. Hearing those words now, Dean knew one painful truth.

“Then I can’t let you go back, Cas,” Dean told him quietly, but with steel in his voice. Cas stilled suddenly, as if only just realizing what he’d said.

“But, Dean -” he began.

“No, Cas. We will find a way. If I have to sell everything I own and buy some land and build our own little Amish farm where we can start our own community, then I will. If I have to dress like a woman for the next 40 years so we can move back to your village, I will.” He grabbed Cas’ face in both hands, looking back and forth between his eyes. “I’m not letting you go, Cas. Not if you... love me back,” he told him, chest burning as he said the words.

Cas’ eyes went wide. “Dean, Leviticus -”

“Was written a long time ago, by men, Cas.” He held up a hand. “I’m not denying your belief in God, Cas. If you say He’s up there, then maybe He’s up there. But you tell me that He’s all powerful and all knowing and all forgiving, right?” Cas nodded. “Then do you really think he would torture you with a love you weren’t supposed to feel? A love that doesn’t hurt anyone?” Dean looked away. “Except you, if you go back home... or you and me if you deny it,” he amended quietly, making eye contact again.

Cas stared at him for a few moments, mouth opening and closing occasionally as he started to speak and stopped, over and over again. “You would really live like the Amish for me? Sell your car and all your possessions to make that life with me?” he finally asked, searching Dean’s face intently.

“Yeah, Cas.” He petted the side of Cas’ face. “I’d do just about anything for you, if it meant we could be together. We don’t…” Dean looked away again and shuffled, uncomfortable. “We don’t even have to have sex, if you don’t want. As long as you’ll still kiss me sometimes and let me hug you. I can... I can live with that.” He forced his eyes back to Cas’ face.

Cas stood there, looking stunned by Dean’s admissions. Unable to find words, apparently, instead he crushed Dean’s mouth in a kiss full of aching need—and not of the physical kind. It was a desperate kiss that left Dean breathless.

“Cas,” Dean asked, pulling away to stroke Cas’ face. “Is that a yes? Or a no?”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t know, Dean. I need... I need time to think. Please? Don’t be angry with me again!” he pleaded desperately, nearly sobbing again.

“Hey, hey, shh, it’s okay, Cas. I’m not mad. Take your time. I should’ve been more understanding before.” He kissed the top of Cas’ head. “I’ll be here when you decide, okay?”

Cas dropped his eyes to the floor. “Will you... sleep next to me tonight?” he asked softly.

Dean’s heart turned a little flip inside him. “Yeah, Cas. I can do that.”

So they walked into Dean’s room, with its larger bed, and curled up together, above the covers. Dean wrapped himself around Cas and Cas fit himself into Dean’s empty spaces. Dean thought nothing had ever felt so perfect. The thought of losing it terrified him. He really would do everything he suggested and more, if it meant staying with Cas. Picturing them on their own little farm, he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands out tissues* I know, sweetpeas, I know. That was a rough one. It made me tear up when I was editing it just now and I'm a terrible person with no redeeming qualities who is dead inside. I know it must have hurt you beautiful sweet loveys. ♥


	15. Confessions of the vulnerable kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel sat, frozen. He could not speak. He did not know if he should try to deny it, to pretend he did not understand or just confirm it and let himself be shunned. Yet another decision he was ill-equipped to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written and rewritten these notes 4 times. I haven't gotten back to people on my other fic because I was insulted for Christmas via comment and it upset me a lot. I could say more (and I have, and deleted it), but I don't think I will. If you don't like my story or my characterizations, please allow me to direct your attention to the top right and the big X. Click that and do not bother with my comment box in future. That is all.
> 
> Those of you who are kind to me week after week, my love for you is immeasurable and I will respond to your comments soon.

Castiel approached Jacob Davidson with trepidation. He wasn’t sure how to address his questions without giving away what Dean was to him. The last thing he wanted was to out himself and take away his choices. He wanted his life _and_ Dean so he didn’t have to make a choice at all. He didn’t know if it was remotely possible, but he had to at least try. Otherwise, no matter what choice he made, he would always wonder if he could have had both.

“Hello, Castiel. You’re not due back for another few weeks yet. Have you already made your choice, then?” Castiel would have expected Jacob to be pleased by the idea, but he didn’t seem to be. Not that he was displeased, exactly. He just did not seem especially happy to see Castiel.

“Actually, I am not here on my own behalf, Jacob. I have come to ask whether you thought that Dean could come back and join us. He feels he could learn to live as we do, accept our ways as his own.” Castiel did his best to keep his face and voice impassive.

Jacob sighed heavily. “Castiel, please come inside with me.”

“Of course,” Castiel said, heart skipping in disquiet. Had he given something away? Was this the end?

Jacob led them into his kitchen, where once again he offered Castiel a glass of iced tea. Castiel sipped his tea and waited for Jacob to sit and speak. Jacob sat across from him and sipped his own tea, looking Castiel over for a moment without speaking. He set his glass down and wiped his mouth, then sighed.

“Castiel, as you are aware, my wife and child died together when my wife went into labor.” When Castiel would have spoken, Jacob held up a hand. “What you do not know, what no one else in the community knows, is that my grief over their loss is not the reason why I have never married again.” He took a long drink of tea, not looking at Castiel.

Then his eyes snapped up to Castiel’s and searched his face. “I believe I know why you want Dean to live here, Castiel. It is not because he has embraced our way of life. It is because you do not want to let go of it. Or of him.”

Castiel sat, frozen. He could not speak. He did not know if he should try to deny it, to pretend he did not understand or just confirm it and let himself be shunned. Yet another decision he was ill-equipped to make. Jacob saved him the trouble.

“Do not panic, Castiel. I understand, as most would not.” He stood up from the table and moved to stand at the window, looking out. “I, too, met a boy during my rumspringa. Like you, I was devout. When it came time to choose between them, I chose my life here because it was all I had known. My beliefs had not changed, just because of the boy I met. I did not think I could or should give up my life here for what I thought of as a doomed relationship, not sanctioned by the God I prayed to every night.”

Castiel was beside himself. He had never suspected his own feelings until Dean, let alone that there might be others in the community who felt the same. Still, he could say nothing. He didn’t know what to say. He doubted, anyway, that Jacob was done speaking. He drank his tea and stayed quiet.

“He was angry when I first came back, and we did not part well. Then I was forced to marry and the first year I was too busy keeping up the pretense and working harder than ever as a kind of penance for what I saw as my sins.” Jacob shook his head. “Do not think that I rejoiced when I lost my wife. She was a dear friend and I had looked forward to fatherhood just as most men here do. I mourned her death and the child’s deeply.”

Jacob sat back down at the table and brushed his hands over the wood, as if seeking comfort. “When I told the boy what had happened, he was kind to me. He’d found a way to forgive me and he asked me to come and visit him. It rekindled our feelings—though in truth my own had never really dimmed. He and I kept a relationship for a while, but I still refused to leave and, in time, the distance proved too much.”

He looked at Castiel, sadness in his eyes. “He eventually married, too. He even invited me, but I did not attend. Instead, I threw myself into becoming a leader here, so that I might make changes to some of our customs. I am the reason why we no longer force people to marry.

“In my time, we could be shunned if we did not find a spouse. That is no longer the case. You could live out your days here without a wife and, if Dean lived here, you could meet in secret and have the life you no doubt dreamed of when you came to me today asking for Dean to live among us.” He shook his head. “But what happens the first time Dean falls asleep in your bed—and forgets to go home—and Rebecca decides to bring you breakfast, only to find him there?”

Jacob shook his head again. “No, Castiel, that is no life. There are some men and women here who I suspect are like us, but have not found a partner in life. Those people live single lives and are happily celibate and can handle staying in this life. I have wished 1000 times that I left and stayed with the boy that I loved. I’ve had many years to regret my decision. Please don’t repeat my mistake.”

Castiel’s eyes were wide with fear. “But how do I know he will even stay with me? If I leave this life, get shunned, and then he leaves me, what then, Jacob?”

“You will only be shunned if you tell them of your intention to be with Dean. Since you have not yet been baptised, they will not shun you just for not joining the church.” Jacob sighed. “I had never entertained the idea of telling my parents or my many brothers and sisters, for fear of shunning.” He shook his head. “But I feared I would be found out, anyway. That I would lose everything and that he would not stand by me.

“That very question is one of the many reasons I chose as I did.” He smiled, but it was full of sadness. “Even though I did not choose him, and even though he married another—Rufus remains one of my dearest friends. I did not trust in his love for me and it cost me the life I might have had. I have seen Dean with you. He looks at you the same way Rufus looked at me all those years ago. He loves you, Castiel. The kind people marry for, when they are lucky enough to be born with the privilege to do so.”

“I don’t know if I can live like the English permanently. This life is all I’ve ever known and, until I met Dean, it was all I ever wanted. I still want this simpler life.”

“It’s too late for me, but it isn’t too late for you. You and Dean can live as simple a life as you choose, out in the world—but you can’t live plain _here_ and have Dean, too. Please, Castiel. Consider my words carefully.”

“What of the teachings of the church about men being with men? Do you not believe in the gospel anymore?”

“I still believe much of what the church teaches us. I believe in Christ and that God watches over us. I do not believe, however, that much of what is in the Bible is as accurate as I once did. I do not believe God cares who we love, only _that_ we love.” He frowned. “I cannot tell you what to believe. Only what is in my own heart. And in my heart I believe that God continues to love me, even as I continue to love Rufus Turner.”

Castiel was amazed by what he was hearing. All this time, he had never suspected what was going on in Jacob Davidson’s life, how his beliefs differed from those of the rest of the community. Instead of refreshing him, the iced tea sat heavily in his stomach.

“Castiel, the answer to your original question is yes. If he talks to the bishop and comes to stay with a host family and proves he can adjust to our way of life here, Dean can come to live here in the community among us. But the price you will both pay if your relationship is found out will be a dear one.”

“I would be shunned and lose contact with the Shurleys and with you. I would only be allowed back if I walked away from Dean.” Castiel did not need to ask, he knew the answer. Still, his heart sank at Jacob’s nod.

“Yes, Castiel. If you want to stay in contact with the Shurleys then your only option is to keep your feelings for Dean a secret. Your brother’s mistake was in trying to recruit others to leave with him. That is the reason he was shunned.” For the first time, Jacob hesitated before speaking. “I have his contact information.”

Castiel was shocked yet again. “How? Why?”

“Every time he has moved since he left, he has sent me a letter with the information and instructions to give it to you whenever you went to live among the English.”

“You held it from me?”

“Your brother asked me to. I considered telling you, but when I saw you with Dean, I thought you needed to sort out your feelings for him first. I am sorry I did not tell you sooner, but I assure you I would not have let you take vows until you had spoken to your brother.”

Castiel waited until Jacob left and returned with his brother’s latest letter. Then he said, “It is time I left. I have much to think about. I thank you for your kindness and your advice. I will let you know my decision.”

Back at the apartment once again, Cas raised his keys to let himself inside and stopped to stare at his namesake keychain for a long moment. He wanted to do as Jacob suggested and stay with Dean, but he was afraid. He loved Dean so much. He hadn’t wanted it to end, he’d just gotten scared, but he was less sure than ever that Dean would stay with him.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean said, hopping up from the couch and nearly running over. It surprised Cas until he spoke again. “I was afraid... you know, that you might stay.”

“Oh. No. I talked to Jacob, like I said. It was an enlightening conversation, but I don’t know if I am any closer to a decision,” Cas admitted.

“Enlightening how?”

Castiel hesitated. It was really Jacob’s story, but he didn’t know how to explain to Dean without giving those personal details. He hoped Jacob would forgive him. “Jacob is a homosexual.”

“I— _what_?” Dean asked, obviously dumbfounded. “He told you that?”

“Yes,” Cas said, sighing and dropping onto the couch the way he had often seen Dean do. He saw the appeal right away. It was rather satisfying. “I asked if you could come to live there in the village, like we talked about, but he spoke plainly with me and said he knew why I was asking.” Castiel looked up at Dean. “He could see I was panicking and he wished to reassure me, but also, I think he wanted to convince me not to make the same choice he did.”

“So, what exactly did he say?” Dean asked, joining Cas on the couch. “He said he was gay?”

“He didn’t use any word for it. He merely explained to me that he fell in love with another man on his rumspringa, but chose to stay in the village and the leave the man when it was time to choose.” Castiel shook his head, thinking of the loss Jacob must have endured when Rufus Turner got married. “Jacob was forced to marry, but his wife died. The other man eventually got married, too.”

“That’s, um... I wouldn’t do that. If you go back, I mean. Which I don’t want you to do, you know that, but... .” Dean sighed heavily, staring down at his hands on his knees. "I know what I said last night about I couldn’t let you leave and everything, but I’ll still support your decision, whatever it is, okay?” He looked back up at Cas then, and Castiel could see pain and fear and love there. "I won't try to force you to stay with me."

Cas held his gaze for a long moment, searching his eyes for something that would calm the fear in his heart. Finally, unable to find a guarantee, he looked away, tears rising in his eyes. He knew they needed to talk, but all he wanted was to curl up in Dean's arms until the pain went away. Instead he took a deep, steadying breath and looked at Dean again.

"I know you were hoping that I would return with better news. I suppose you think perhaps that it is the strength of my feelings that I question." He shook his head, trying to find the right words. "As difficult as you know decision-making has always been for me, I expect it may seem that I am still trying to choose between you and living plain."

"Isn't it? I mean, that's always been the choice, right?" Dean asked, frowning in confusion.

Castiel rubbed a hand across his face. "It was the choice, yes. And I made it. I already chose." Dean looked stricken and Cas hastened to explain, "Before Saturday, I had decided that I was probably going to stay with you."

Dean didn't look any less upset. If anything he looked more confused than ever. "What happened while I was gone to Bobby's, Cas?"

Cas did his best to explain the documentary and how it had made him feel. “I had been almost ready to give it up, but I was suddenly terrified. Of losing being Amish, losing Mam and Pap and Jacob, of losing who I _am_.” He idly rubbed at the sofa with his fingertips. “I was always afraid of those things, but it felt more... _immediate_. And it made my fear that I would give it up, only to have you leave me, even more concrete. It happened to one of the boys on the documentary.”

“Cas, I’m not gonna leave you if you stay with me. How could you think that?” There was hurt in Dean’s voice, but his words made Castiel see red.

He stood up from the couch in frustration. “Oh, I don’t know, Dean, how about the fact that your first instinct when you got angry with me was to go out and have sex with someone else?!” He was shouting and he didn’t care.

Instead of being ashamed, however, Dean evidently had anger of his own hidden away. “All I wanted Saturday was to come home and kiss you, hold you. It was all I could think about and I couldn’t _wait_ , Cas.” His eyes were red with unshed tears and he talked through clenched teeth. "Things were going so great and then I got back and you dropped a bomb on me, man!"

His lower lip trembled and he shook his head before he spoke. “I mean, you just... you fucking _blind-sided_ me with the news that, not only could I not kiss you _then_ , but I wasn’t going to be allowed to kiss you _at all_ , ever again.” His laugh was halfway toward being a sob and it was bitter. “And you wouldn’t even tell me _why_ , Cas!”

Cas felt his anger begin to deflate as Dean started pacing. “I was hurt, Cas. Heartbroken. And being angry was easier. Hurting you back was easier. So I said the first thing I could think of to hurt you.” His back was to Cas now and his breathing was shaky. “I never intended to follow through with it.”

Some of Cas’ anger came back at that. “But you almost _did_ , Dean. You brought someone ho-”

“I know that, Cas!” Dean whirled around and Cas could see he wasn’t as close to tears anymore, but his laugh was no less bitter. “We met because I’m a fuck up, remember? I make bad, stupid choices. Look, I wasn’t really going to pick up anybody. I was going to get drunk. Only, the bartender was paying me no attention—and Starla wouldn’t _stop_ paying me attention.” Dean ran a hand through his hair, huffing out a long breath. “And then the drinks started coming and I just... I let her. And I just kept letting her until we were in a cab together.”

His anger apparently spent now, he dropped back onto the couch. “I didn’t even kiss her. She kept trying in the cab and I kept putting her off.” He rubbed his hands together between his knees and stared at them as he said, “I’m sorry, Cas. You don’t know how sorry. You’re right. You’ve got no reason to trust me.” He looked up and the raw pain Castiel saw there stole his breath. “But I’m telling you anyway. I won’t leave you. I’m not gonna run away or get bored or whatever it is you think.”

Cas sat again, too. “Dean, I know you say that now, but you could change your mind later. Then where would that leave me?”

“Are you going to change your mind later about wanting to live plain?” Dean asked softly. “If you decide to stay with me now, are you going to turn around and go back later? You already changed your mind once.”

Castiel bit his lip, understanding finally that he was no more a certainty for Dean than Dean was for him. He also realized that he had given Dean just as big a reason not to trust him. Dean had left the apartment that morning thinking they were going to be intimate when he returned, only to be told when he got back that he wasn’t to touch Cas at all, even platonically.

Dean leaned close. “Look, Cas, I know that for us to be together, you’re having to give up a lot and I’m not. It isn’t fair, but it’s not something I can change for you. But I can promise you that if you left me, it would hurt every bit as much for me as it would for you if I left.” Castiel felt Dean’s hand on his back, light and uncertain. “And you should know... I won’t leave you, but even if I did, you would still have Sam and Bobby, too. They love you, too, Cas, no way would they abandon you.” Dean gave him a small smile. “Especially if I did something really stupid like leave my best friend.”

Cas sighed and pressed a palm to Dean’s cheek. “Oh, Dean. Why is it all so complicated?”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t know, Cas. For me it’s pretty simple. I want you with me. I don’t ever want you to leave. I care about—dammit!” Dean exclaimed closing his eyes. “No, I don’t just care about you, Cas. I _love_ you,” he confessed and, even though the word “love” was only a whisper it sounded louder than a shout to Cas.

Before they could do more talking, Cas kissed him. He kissed him until they were both calm and then worked up again in a different way. Only then did he pull away, panting slightly with the pounding of his heart making it hard to breathe.

“We should stop, Dean. I need to…” To think, to decide, to get some air. He thought all those things and more and said none of them, but Dean just nodded, understanding anyway. Then he realized something he hadn’t told Dean. “Jacob gave me Gabriel’s number.”

“Your brother? Wow, Cas, that’s great!” He pulled Cas into a hug. When he finally pulled away, he said, “You know what? You should call him, while I go out and get lunch, what do you think?”

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said, smiling. “I appreciate that.”

Once Dean left, however, Cas sat on the couch for a long time staring at the number written on the paper in his hand and not picking up the phone. When he finally did dial, he could hardly breathe for how hard his heart was pounding.

He needn’t have worried, as it turned out. His phone call was met with a recording, stating that Gabriel was unavailable. Castiel hesitated, started to speak, then hung up without saying a word. He composed a message in his head, then dialed a second time.

He was so busy rehearsing his message that he didn’t hear when the ringing stopped until the annoyed-sounding, “Hello?” burst across his eardrum.

“H-hello? Uh, Gabriel?”

“Yep, that’s me. Who’s this?” came the voice down the line, followed by the sound of crunchy chewing.

“It’s, uh, it’s me. It’s Castiel,” he stuttered into the phone. His statement was met by complete silence for so long he thought the call had dropped. “He-hello? Are you still there?”

Gabriel’s voice was much graver now. “Yeah, sorry, I just... wow. This is... I’m really surprised.”

“You left your number for me to call. Are you unhappy to hear from me?” Cas asked, slightly hurt.

“What? No, Castiel, I’m... man, I’m thrilled to hear from you! I just, you know, I’ve been sending my number a long time and... I had kinda given up, honestly.”

Castiel sighed. “Jacob did not give me your information until today.”

“Seriously?” He sighed heavily, making a loud noise into the phone, so that Cas had to pull it away from his ear. “I get it, I guess. Just, you know, I know your time with the English is almost over and I was hoping I’d get to see you while you were out in the real world.” He was quieter when he said, “Of course, I don’t know how you feel about that. Seeing as how I’m shunned and all.”

“I would like to see you very much, Gabriel.”

“Yeah? Can you get a bus or something? I don’t know where you are, so…”

“I believe your address is only about an hour or two from where I am living. I am sure that Dean will be willing to drive me or, if not, perhaps I can take a bus.” He chewed his lip, trying to remember how far away exactly Dean had said the town was.

“Who’s Dean?” Gabriel asked, confusion evident.

Castiel debated what to say for a moment, before settling on, “He is my best friend. We are living together while I am among the English.”

“Oh. Wow, okay.” He chuckled lightly. “Man, Castiel, you have really changed since I saw you last, haven’t you?”

“Because I have a friend?” Cas asked, smiling a little.

“Because a lot of things, kiddo. When do you think you can come see me? I’m free tonight and tomorrow, but I work from Tuesday until next weekend.” He was obviously hesitant to ask, “Would... I mean, do you think you could come by tonight? Would, uh, Dean drive you here on short notice?”

“He isn’t here at the moment. I will have to ask him when he gets back with our lunch and then call you back, is that all right?”

Gabriel sounded happier when he said, “Yeah, Castiel. Of course, that’s fine. Talk to you soon?”

“Talk to you soon,” Castiel agreed.

When he returned with lunch, Dean was surprised that Gabriel wanted to get together so quickly, but was more than willing to drive Cas there. “It’s only about 45 minutes from here, I think. I can take you over there and then go to a store or something.”

“I would like you to meet him. Do you mind?” Castiel asked nervously.

“Of course not. I’d love to meet your brother.”

So Cas called Gabriel and told him they would be heading out as soon as they were finished eating. Gabriel was glad to hear it and said he couldn’t wait. Castiel hung up with a smile on his face.

Lunch with Dean was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Cas felt as though they had settled something between them, even though he still unable to make a decision about staying or not. It was nice to hear that he would still have Bobby and Sam if Dean were gone, but he wondered if he’d be able to see them without the lack of Dean tearing him to pieces.

Less than an hour and a half later, they pulled up in front of a small house. “Looks like this is it. You ready?” Dean asked as he put the car in park.

Castiel took a deep breath. “Yes, I think so.” He opened his door and stepped out, waiting for Dean to get around the car before he stepped forward.

Before they were halfway to the porch, the door opened and a young man stepped out. His light brown hair was long and curly and for a moment, Castiel didn’t recognize him. Then he smiled and Cas realized that this was Gabriel. He had changed significantly in the past few years, but his smile was the same.

Almost without realizing he was doing it, Cas stumbled forward and pulled his brother into a hug. He didn’t expect the tears that clogged his throat, but there they were, invited or not. He had no time to be embarrassed by his reaction because Gabriel was holding on just as tightly. His brother’s voice was choked with emotion, too, as he spoke against his ear.

“It is so good to see you, Castiel. I’ve missed you a lot more than you probably think.” He squeezed Cas once more and then they released each other.

By the time they stepped out of the hug, Dean had made it to the porch himself. As soon as Gabriel took notice of him, Cas introduced him.

“Gabriel, this is Dean. Dean, this is my brother Gabriel.” The two shook hands, sizing each other up with their eyes in a way Castiel didn’t understand. “I thought you could get to know each other a little bit and then Dean will leave us to speak privately for a while, all right?”

“Sure, little brother. Any friend of yours, right? Come on in,” he said, turning to head inside. “Are you guys thirsty?” he asked over his shoulder.

Both of them declined a beverage and Gabriel led them to the living room. They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before anyone spoke. Dean changed his mind about having a drink and Gabriel went to the kitchen to get it.

Dean’s hand reached over and squeezed Castiel’s knee. “Relax, man. He’s your brother. He loves you. If you think it’ll help, I can go ahead and go now.”

“No! Not-not yet. Please,” Cas asked, looking at Dean pleadingly.

“I brought us all one,” Gabriel said from the doorway and Dean’s hand returned to his own knee in haste. “Give us something to do while we’re being uncomfortable,” he joked.

“I’m sorry, Gabriel. You know I’ve never been really good at small talk,” Cas reminded him.

“No, that’s true. Which brings up the question, how did you and Dean become friends? Actually,” he qualified, sipping his soda, “How did you two even meet? Coz from the sound of it, Dean ain’t exactly Amish, is he?” he asked with a smirk.

“I was, uh, sent to Cas’ village by a judge.” Cas was surprised that Dean would bring it up, but he was prepared to defend him.

“A judge? What, like community service or something?” Gabriel asked, no judgment evident inside the obvious curiosity.

“More like a reform program. He thought I could be rehabilitated if I got out of the juvenile detention system,” Dean admitted, drinking his tea and not looking at anyone. “Turns out he was right.”

“Wow, that’s something. Good for you, Dean. You must be pretty special if you convinced Castiel to be friends,” he said with an easy smile. “Castiel isn’t a big fan of us humans,” he teased with a wink.

“Shut up,” Cas said with a smile. “It’s only your inferior intellect I dislike.”

“Well, look at the sass on you!” Gabriel said with a laugh. “I think Dean’s been a good influence.”

Both Dean and Castiel himself grinned at that. “I believe he has, yes.”

“Cas has been a good influence on me, too. Just ask the judge,” Dean said, chuckling.

“Cool. So how long have you two known each other?” Gabriel asked, drinking more soda.

“About six months. He had three months at the village and I’ve had nearly three months in the city.”

Gabriel nodded thoughtfully. “What did you think of the Amish life, Dean?”

Dean took a long drink before answering. “You know, when the judge first said it, I didn’t know what to think. I’d heard about Amish people, obviously, but I didn’t know too much about the lifestyle. I had a lot of preconceived notions, I guess.”

Cas laughed. “Like that we had no running water?”

Dean gave an answering laugh. “Yesh, Cas, like that.” He shook his head. “Anyway, I was really surprised by how easy it was to fall into it. I thought I’d miss all the electricity and everything, but I really didn’t. Music was really the only thing that I felt like I missed having.”

“And your car,” Castiel corrected.

“Well, a little, but not as much as I expected. I kinda liked walking everywhere, actually. And learning all that shit, that was great.”

Even though Dean rarely tried to keep his language in check now that they were back in his world, it still sometimes made Cas laugh. Especially when Dean flashed him an apologetic look, as he usually did.

“You little fucker,” Dean said, strictly because he knew Castiel would laugh.

Gabriel looked back and forth between them, a bemused smile on his face. “You really have changed, little brother. I like it.”

Dean slapped his knees. “Well, hey, I better get out of your hair so you two can talk. Cas, we need anything for the apartment?”

“Not that I can think of. Oh! Except shampoo. I think we’re low.”

“You’ve been using it as bubble bath again, haven’t you? I’m buying you bubble bath, too. All right, I’m out.” He turned and stuck out a hand for Gabriel to shake. “Gabriel, it was nice to meet you. Cas, just call me when you’re ready for me to head back, okay?” With that he was gone.

They sat quietly and sipped their drinks for a full minute before Gabriel said, “So. I don’t want to piss you off or anything, but, uh... are you and Dean, like... together?”

Castiel went completely still. He glanced up at his brother, but saw no fear or disgust in his face. He licked his lips and tried to find his voice. “We, um…” He trailed off, then sat up straighter, steeling himself for a bad reaction. “Yes,” he admitted, tilting his head toward one shrugging shoulder. He managed to maintain eye contact, but it wasn’t easy.

Gabriel only looked surprised, not upset. “Wow. So, okay. Um, does that mean you aren’t going back, then?”

Castiel ran a hand through his hair and let out a heavy breath. “I don’t know, Gabriel. He wants me to stay. I want to stay, but I also want to go back. Living plain... it’s all I’ve ever known until these last few months.”

“Do you love him?” Gabriel asked gently.

Castiel nodded miserably. “Yes. When I first agreed to allow more than friendship between Dean and myself, I thought I could just have this little interlude of freedom and then go back and pretend it never happened, but now…” He shook his head and explained to Gabriel about the documentary and how it had affected him.

“Ok, little brother, two things. First off, even if Dean leaves you, you’ve still got me. You’ve got a place with me as long as you need it. You wouldn’t be out here in Englisher country all by your lonesome, all right?” Gabriel stood up and sat down next to Cas on the couch. “Secondly, have you considered how hard it would be to go back now and hide who you are? You shouldn’t just be looking at this as whether or not to stay so you can be with Dean. Maybe you should stay for yourself, Castiel.”

Gabriel squeezed his hand and then got up to take his glass into the kitchen. When he came back, he changed the subject. They talked about everything that had happened between when Gabriel left and the present—with the exception of the circumstances surrounding Gabriel’s actual departure, which were still too painful for them both.

“Well, hey, man, it’s getting late. Would you, I don’t know, wanna spend the night? I mean, could you call out of work tomorrow? I could drive you home.”

So Castiel called Dean to discuss it with him.

“Yeah, man, I’m sure Bobby won’t care. I’ll tell him when I get there, don’t worry about calling him. Listen, though, I picked you up a couple tshirts and a pair of jeans if you want me to bring them by?”

“Why did you do that?”

“They just reminded me of you, that’s all. Um, so should I come by or just go home and pick you up after work tomorrow?”

“Actually, Gabriel has offered to drive me home, but yes, if you don’t mind stopping by with the clothes.

He could hear the relief in Dean’s voice. “Great. I was afraid I wasn’t going to get a goodbye hug.”

Cas was smiling when they hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have something positive to say, please leave a comment. If you have a question, please leave a comment. If you feel there was an untagged trigger and were personally affected by it, please leave a _polite_ comment. If you found a typo, please leave a comment. If you just wanna say hi, please leave a comment. ♥
> 
> If you didn't like something in this story, _please do not leave a comment._ I don't need to know about it. This is my happy place and I don't need you polluting my chocolate river, tyvm.


	16. Decisions to make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time seemed to drag, the hours between starting work and when he could finally leave to get Cas feeling endless. Then suddenly it was time to go home and Dean was nervous. What if Gabriel told Cas that he regretted his own exile and convinced Cas to return to the village? Or what if he didn't think Dean was good enough for Cas and convinced Cas to move in with Gabriel? There were so many bad possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, this is early. But your outpouring of sweetness and support made me want to do something nice for you in return, so here it is, several days early. I've had the final count at 17, but I decided to split the last two chapters into three, so there will be two more updates (on Wednesdays) after this one. Editing on the book is about to start any day now, so please be patient with me if it takes a while to respond to comments. 
> 
> ANOTHER reason I am posting today is that the lovely and amazing [Musical_Wings](http://archiveofourown.org/users/musical_wings) sent me [fan art](http://fanfictionillustrated.tumblr.com/post/136479191828/amishcas-with-hot-chocolate-from)! An adorable little Amish Cas in his suspenders, drinking hot cocoa, which you will see at the beginning of the chapter :) I LOVE IT!!! Thank you so many, you beautiful creature!

[ ](http://fanfictionillustrated.tumblr.com/post/136479191828/amishcas-with-hot-chocolate-from)

Dean did not enjoy spending the night alone in the apartment. It felt too much like a taste of things to come. He tried to distract himself with television, but while he was scrolling through the guide, he found that the Amish documentary Cas had watched was playing again.

He flipped over there only a few minutes into the show. He listened to stories not so very different from what Cas had gone through. Then came the horror stories of families finding out and shunning then. By the time it was over he had tears drying on his cheeks and he knew exactly why Cas had reacted the way he had the day before.

He wanted to call Cas, but he didn't. It was getting late, anyway and he had work in the morning. It had been a long, difficult day. Weekend, really. He was glad that it was over, but also saddened by it. It was one step closer to Cas, in all likelihood, going home to his village. Dean couldn't bear to think about it.

He made himself a light supper and ate it while reading a book at the table. The table seemed too big without Cas on the other side. He finished his meal and cleaned up the kitchen, then he headed to the bathroom and took a long, hot shower, hoping it would relax him enough to sleep.

As he padded to the bedroom afterward, damp and pink from the heat, he got a text from Sam. His brother was just saying goodnight and he missed him, but it warmed Dean through. He sent back a warm response and climbed into bed. Like the table, it seemed far too big.

The next day at work was uneventful and a little lonely without Cas—just the way his previous night had been. Bobby had no issue with Cas taking off and was in fact happy to hear that Cas had reconnected with his brother.

Time seemed to drag, the hours between starting work and when he could finally leave to get Cas feeling endless. Then suddenly it was time to go home and Dean was nervous. What if Gabriel told Cas that he regretted his own exile and convinced Cas to return to the village? Or what if he didn't think Dean was good enough for Cas and convinced Cas to move in with Gabriel? There were so many bad possibilities.

Before he was ready, he pulled into the drive at Gabriel's. To his surprise, the brothers were sitting outside on the porch, waiting. When Cas' face lit up with a smile, Dean thought he felt a stone drop off his heart. He smiled back and got out of the car.

On the way home a few minutes later, Dean broke the silence to ask, "You have a good time with your brother?"

Cas smiled. "I did, Dean. He was very supportive. He made me think about things in a different way."

"Oh yeah? Like what things?"

"Like the question of whether or not to go back to my village or stay with you," Cas said calmly, without elaborating.

"There's a new way to look at that?" Dean asked, skeptically.

Cas nodded. "I've been worried about whether you'll abandon me if I stay here. And that’s because I've been solely focused on you as a reason not to go back. Gabriel helped me see that there might be other reasons to stay." Cas stared out the window, face serene.

"Oh. Well, that can only be a good thing, as far as I'm concerned." Dean, however, was afraid to be too hopeful. "Don't suppose that means you've made a decision?"

"No," Cas told him with a small smile. "I haven't. But knowing there are things out here for me besides you... it makes it less frightening." He looked back at Dean then. "I know it's a lot to ask, but I would prefer it if we didn't discuss it until I've made my choice. I don't want anything to sway me and I know you'll do that, even without meaning to."

He reached out and squeezed Dean’s hand where it was white-knuckling the steering wheel. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t still the reason I want to stay. Just that you’re no longer the only reason.”

Dean moved his hand so that their palms were touching. They held hands the rest of the way to the apartment.

As much as he wanted to believe that Cas would stay, though, Dean became more convinced day by day that Cas was going to leave. In all likelihood, he was going to choose Amish life over their life together and Dean wasn’t sure he could bear it. He was considering either moving in with Bobby or taking the Campbells up on their previous offer and moving in with them. As much as he enjoyed his freedom, he didn’t think he could take living in the apartment without Cas in it.

Throughout the week, Dean did his best to act like nothing was wrong, even though inside he was trying to prepare for the worst. Once after they shared a long kissing session, Dean had to take a shower. Not to pleasure himself for once, but to hide the fact that he was crying.

The Friday after the Starla incident, Bobby had asked Dean to come to the house after he finished his first car and now Dean was standing in the living room, waiting for the older man to show up. He had no idea what Bobby might want to say, but he hoped it wasn’t about Cas leaving. He was not ready to deal with that yet. He had another week and he was not going to think about it until then.

“Boy, I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but there’s something I’ve been needing to talk to you about for a while. It’s about money.” Leave it to Bobby to get straight to the point before Dean had even realized he was in the room.

“Uh, okay,” Dean said, turning around to face him. “What about money? I don’t think I can loan you any, dude,” he joked.

“Smartass.” Bobby sighed. “Look, your parents didn’t have a lot, but they did try to make sure you boys would be taken care of.” He sighed again and sat down. “Sit down, kid. This is gonna take a while.”

Dean sat and listened as Bobby explained that Sam and Dean’s parents had taken out a small life insurance policy a few years before they died. Since only the two of them knew about the policy, no one had notified the insurance company of their deaths. John had paid the premiums in advance, so when they were killed, no one knew they had died until the next premiums were due and the company did a routine check.

“That was almost a year after they died. You and Sam were on the run by then and I didn’t know what to do,” Bobby explained.

They had named Bobby as executor if Sam and Dean were underage when they died, so the money went to Bobby, rather than the boys. Since Dean was in and out of juvenile detention and Sam was in the system with people who might take advantage, Bobby had just put the money in savings until he could figure out what to do.

“I hope you’re not too mad at me, Dean. I needed to make sure you and Sam were stable before I told you about it. I tried to make sure you didn’t do without when I knew where you were, but –“

“But I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to get in touch with me.”

Dean considered being angry with Bobby for keeping this from them. He thought of all the times he’d stolen food when he had money he didn’t know about, but deep down, he knew that wasn’t Bobby’s fault. It started before Bobby even knew about the money – and Dean had taken Sam and run before Bobby had a chance to tell them anything. Bobby had done the best thing for everyone.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take y’all in when I could’ve, Dean. I know we talked about that before, but –“

“It’s okay, Bobby. You try to do what you think is best, it just doesn’t always work out being best in the end. We kind of have that in common. I can’t exactly be pissed at you for making bad choices, can I?” Dean gave him a rueful smile which Bobby returned. “So how much are we talking?”

“Well, before we get into that, there’s another thing I wanna talk to you about.” Bobby rubbed a hand nervously up and down his leg. “Just about a year before he died, your dad found some land that he wanted to buy for your mom. He couldn’t get the loan and I told him I’d front him the money and he could pay me instead of the bank.”

Bobby got a far away look on his face before he shook his head and started talking. “So that’s what we did. He was gonna wait and surprise your mom once he’d paid it all off, so he left it in my name, but then the accident happened.” He got up to get a folder from the table.

“This here is the deed to the land and the paperwork for the bank accounts. I never told your dad, but I’d just been putting the money in an account and planning to give it back to him along with the deed on their anniversary. Instead, I ended up paying the property taxes with it after they died.” He cleared his throat and sniffed. “Now I want you to have it.”

Dean sat very still for a second. “Are you sure?” he asked in a small voice. “That’s a big gift, Bobby.”

“Dean, your dad was my best friend. Your mom, too. And you boys…I know I screwed it up, but you’ve been like sons to me. I don’t need the money and I don’t have anybody else to pass it on to.” He blinked several times and sniffed again. “Besides, boy, I _want_ you to have it. If the world was fair, you and your brother would be living on it right now with your mom and dad.”

Tears were stinging Dean’s eyes at the idea. Bobby, normally as gruff and stoic as they come glanced over just as Dean’s lip started to quiver. The older man pulled Dean in for a bear hug and they quietly cried on each other’s shoulder for a couple of minutes.

By unspoken mutual consent, they pulled away and cleared their throats, wiping their eyes quickly. “So,” Bobby said in a rough voice. “It’s yours. It’s got water, but no electricity.” Bobby looked sly suddenly. “ I figure, if you wanted, you might be able to turn the land into some kind of farm like they have over in that Amish village.” Bobby gave Dean a pointed look. “You’ve got about five grand to buy building materials with.”

“And Sam? He gets money, too?”

“Yep, he gets money, too. No land, though. That’s just yours. Sam’s got the Campbells to look out for him now and I figure I’ll keep his money in savings till he’s ready for college.” Bobby scratched his head nervously. “I was also thinking, if you stayed here with me and got rid of the apartment, you’d be able to save up even more money for supplies.”

Dean considered living with Bobby—with or without Cas—and realized it didn’t scare him the way it had before. Dean’s face split into a grin as he tried to take it all in. He could give Cas the life he talked about. They could live plain, if Cas was willing to walk away from his family. Then a thought occurred to him.  

“Wait, where is the land?” he asked, worried that it would be too far for him to drive to work.

Bobby smiled. “Well, why don’t we go and see?”

“Uh, don’t we have work?”

Bobby’s smile became a grin. “Nope. Didn’t schedule any appointments for today and put up the closed sign before I came over. Even put the phone on the recording for the day.”

Dean had to laugh at how proud of himself Bobby looked. “Sneaky old bastard,” he said affectionately.

“Language, boy,” Bobby said, but he hadn’t stopped smiling. “Let’s get Cas and we’ll go.”

They found Cas out back, putting the finishing touches on the new shed he’d built. He’d needed Dean and Bobby to help with the framework, but otherwise he’d put the whole thing together. Dean considered what that meant in terms of maybe building a house together on the land and felt hesitant excitement.

“Hey, Cas. Um, Bobby wants to take me to see some land my parents kinda left me. You wanna go with us?”

Cas smiled. “Of course. Let me put away my things.”

A few minutes later, the three of them were piled in Bobby’s car and heading down the road. Since Cas understandably had questions, Dean filled him in as they drove. Before five minutes had even passed, though, Bobby was pulling into a driveway. The property was fenced in, but there were no neighbors to be seen. From what Dean could tell, it looked like maybe there was a creek running across the back of the property, if the line of trees was anything to go by.

They parked and got out and Bobby showed Dean where the water hookup came out, to show where the house would best be built. Then he took them back to see what was indeed a creek. As they walked, Bobby talked about plans that Dean’s father had made for the land, some of which Dean liked and some he didn’t.

“I mean, with the creek here, obviously, it’d be great for farm animals, but you’d have to block it off so they couldn’t go through at either end.” He played with his beard as he thought and then said, “I’ve got a huge bale of chicken wire and a spare septic tank to give you, so that’s two things you wouldn’t have to worry about. I mean, I assume you’d want chickens, anyway.”

Throughout Bobby’s speech, Dean had noticed Cas’ brow furrowing deeper and deeper. At Bobby’s comment about chickens, he turned to Dean and asked, “You intend to make this into a farm?”

“I’m gonna grab something out of my car right quick,” Bobby said, walking away.

Dean glanced at him and then turned back to Cas. “Well, if you stay, yeah. I probably wouldn’t want to run a farm by myself. If you, uh... well, by myself, I’d probably just build a house and get electricity put in. If you stay, though, we’d leave off the electricity and build a whole farm.”

“You would... you would live like this? For me? Without electricity, and raising our own food?”

Dean shook his head. “You really have to ask? I was gonna go back with you, remember? I’ll probably keep the phone and my car, but otherwise, I’ll live as plain as you want. I mean, we can pretty much walk to Bobby’s and the church from here, so I’d just use the car for special occasions, anyway.”

Cas looked over to see Bobby facing away from them, still walking to the car. Then he surged forward and pulled Dean into a kiss that ended in a hug. “I love you, Dean Winchester. I love you so much,” he said against Dean neck.

“Then stay with me.” Dean could no more have stopped those whispered words from coming out than he could stop the sun from setting. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to call them back the second they were out and he felt Cas go completely still. Instead, he dug a deeper hole by saying, “I love you, too. Please stay with me, Cas.” He took a deep, shuddering breath and said, “I’m sorry. I know I promised not to pressure you, but... seeing you here, knowing this could be our farm…”

Instead of answering, Cas just kissed him again, until the sound of Bobby’s cleared throat alerted them that he was returning.

\-----

After his discussion with Gabriel, Cas felt much less conflicted. He could see that there were other reasons to stay in the city among the English besides just Dean—even if getting to be with Dean was the one he really cared most about. It just felt less frightening to know he had his brother, should things not work out with Dean. It helped tremendously.

Still. Amish, plain living was all Castiel had really ever known. These last few months notwithstanding, he had lived plain for almost 16 years. It was comfortable. It was familiar. It was the life he wanted for himself. If he could have that life and Dean he would want for nothing.

Unfortunately, he had to choose. It wasn't fair and it was far from easy. Though living plain was the only life he knew, Dean was the kindest, most loyal person and the dearest friend Cas had ever met. How could he turn away from that? Even if he could somehow ignore how Dean's kisses made him feel, he could not put aside how generous and sweet he was or how much Castiel himself had blossomed in his wake.

It was a hard choice and one Castiel did not relish making. The week after his visit to Gabriel was plagued with internal struggles and debates that he tried his best to hide from Dean. He put on a happy, positive face and pretended that the idea of losing either his way of life or the love of his life was not a physical pain in his chest that left him breathless more often than not.

On Friday, however, Cas got a surprise. Finding out that Dean had been left a parcel of land and intended to turn it into a farm for the two of them... it was like suddenly finding a parka just before a blizzard. For the first time it felt like Castiel did not have to choose between his way of life and his love. He hadn't made a final decision, but he was close to it. He was almost certain that he was going to choose Dean. He did not believe he would regret it.

The day before his birthday, Dean, Bobby, Sam and Gabriel threw him a surprise party. No one called it a "Just In Case You're Going Away" party, but Cas could read that on Dean's face whenever Castiel saw him give that over-bright, too cheerful smile. However, Cas pretended not to see. He was too happy in this moment.

He was given nothing but gifts he could use in either place. He was grateful for that. No one was pressuring him. No one had even asked what he was going to do. They all just made sure to tell him that they would be here for him, either way.

When the food was mostly gone and all the presents opened, Castiel insisted on helping Bobby clean up. Dean and Sam were volunteered by Bobby instead. So Cas sat on the couch with Bobby and watched the brothers bicker good naturedly. His brother was still working on a huge slice of cake and Bobby was nursing a beer. He realized for the first time as he sat there among them that these people were his family.

He felt a sense of family with them, of _home_ , that he did not even remember experiencing before his parents died. A sense of _belonging_ , he realized _._ And in that moment, he knew. This world, with Dean and the others, this was where he belonged. It was not back in the village with people who had never understood him. It wasn't with his guardians, who had done their best, but would never accept him for who he was. He believed God had brought him here and now, and for the first time, he thought he knew why.

"Everyone?" he said, standing up suddenly. "I have an announcement." He felt the room go still as four pairs of eyes honed in on him. "I am going back to the village tomorrow." He saw Dean go pale and start to turn away and he hurriedly finished. "I'm going back to tell them all goodbye."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, my darlings. May your 2016 be as joyous and lovely as you all deserve. I love you all so much ♥


	17. A storm coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, Dean,” Cas said when they were flush against each other.
> 
> Dean never wanted to be anywhere except buried inside Cas from now on, but after a moment, he had to move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing about slow burns is, eventually, they do catch fire.  
>  ~~TW for bow-chicka-bow-wow~~

Dean couldn’t believe it when Cas spoke. He was going back. Dean thought he might be sick. Then Cas kept talking and Dean felt lightheaded for an entirely different reason. Before he even knew he was going to move, Dean was halfway across the room to Cas. Ignoring the presence of their brothers and Bobby, Dean grabbed Cas’ face in both his hands and kissed him, firm but chaste, right on the mouth.

Then he pulled back and looked searchingly into those electric blue eyes. “You mean it, Cas? You’re staying?” He knew his voice was breathy and a little broken, but he didn’t care.

“Yes, Dean,” Cas said with a huge smile. “I’m staying.” He pulled Dean into a tight hug, then he was pulled away into hugs with Sam and Gabriel and, to no one’s real surprise, even Bobby.

"That's fantastic, man!" Sam told him, patting him on the back while he hugged Gabriel. "I'll go to church with you whenever you want."

"I'm not doing that, so don't even ask," Gabriel said as he finally let go of his brother. "But you're welcome to come stay with me whenever you want to. Heck, you can come live with me, if you need to."

Dean tried not to be hurt by that and tried even harder not to worry about Cas' answer. He was staying and that was what was important. Still, it definitely mattered when Cas stepped out of his hug with Bobby and took Dean's hand with a soft smile. 

"Actually," he said, looking at Dean rather than his brother. "Dean and I are going to start our own farm near here and Bobby has graciously offered to let us stay here while it's finished."

"Wow," Gabriel exclaimed, giving Dean an appraising look as if reevaluating him. "That's a big undertaking."

"We're both up for it," Dean told him confidently. He smiled at Cas so hard his cheeks ached. 

The rest of the party passed in a blur for Dean. The next thing he knew, Sam was gone back to the Campbell’s and he and Cas were walking through the door of their apartment. No sooner did Dean have the door locked than Cas was pressing him up against it, his mouth hungry and greedy against Dean’s.

Dean allowed himself to be lost in the heaven that was Cas’ mouth for a few minutes. Then finally, breathlessly, he forced himself to pull back before he lost the ability to think. From the look on Cas’ face, it seemed he might have already reached that point. His dumbfounded expression made Dean smile.

Dean carded his fingers back through his thick, dark hair and kissed him, chastely, on the lips. “I thought maybe we should cool down before things get out of control.”

Cas’ confused frown deepened. “But I don’t want to stop, Dean. I thought,” he began, then ducked his head. “I thought perhaps my last birthday gift could be taking our physical relationship to the next level.”

Dean stared at Cas in the dim light of the apartment, mouth all but hanging open in his surprise. “You…are you sure? I don’t want you to do this just because you think I want it. I mean, last time, you wanted to plan ahead and –“

Cas interrupted him with a finger to his lips. “I don’t want to wait anymore, Dean. We’ve wasted too much time as it is, haven’t we? All those months we spent not touching, all those weeks we kept it to just kisses.” Cas pulled back slightly and shook his head. “I want you, Dean. I want to join with you and feel you moving inside me.” He looked at Dean shyly, with a small smile. “I’ve dreamed about that, you know.”

Dean was awestruck. “I love you, Cas. You know that, right?” He didn’t wait for an answer before pulling Cas into a kiss singing with need and love and desire. 

What seemed like a lifetime later, he and Cas made their way to his bedroom. Dean’s heart was pounding in his ears, pounding so hard his hands were shaking. He had never done this before and he was scared to screw it up. He didn’t want it to be fumbling and awkward. He’d read and read about it, learning the best techniques and everything, but he didn’t want to hurt Cas.

“Do you…want to get yourself ready?” he asked Cas hopefully. Cas had to be less likely to hurt himself, right? Even if it meant he probably wouldn’t enjoy it quite as much.

“No, Dean. I want it to be you. I trust you,” he said simply, blue eyes filled with the truth of it.

In other circumstances, with other people, such a declaration might have scared him more. But this was Cas. And if he trusted Dean, Dean had to believe he was worthy of it. He kissed Cas again, gently helping him undress before laying Cas back on the bed and getting undressed himself.

They each took a moment to admire the form of the other, but Cas was almost immediately reaching up for him, to pull Dean down into another kiss. As their naked skin touched in so many places for the very first time, Dean was almost overwhelmed with how warm and wonderful it all was.

That was Cas’ erection poking into his hip, hot and thick. His own was nestled between their bellies. Cas’ hands were squeezing his ass rhythmically as their tongues caressed each other. Dean reveled in the kissing and petting for several minutes, until Cas made an impatient sound in his throat and stopped the kiss.

“Will you get the lubricant now, please?” he asked in a voice much deeper and rougher than his normal one.

Dean gave him a firm peck as he lifted off and went to get the bottle he’d put in the nightstand. He grabbed a condom while he was there and tossed both on the bed. Then he helped Cas get into a better position, since they’d been sideways across the bed before. He noticed Cas shivering slightly, so Dean pulled the blanket over them as he lay back down on top of him, this time slightly to the side.

Despite his haste to begin, Cas’ muscles were tense under Dean’s. Dean pressed gentle kisses to Cas’ lips over and over again, while stroking up and down his side. He felt Cas relax beneath him again. Then he pulled back to stare down into those blue eyes.

“Cas, you sure about this? We can still stop, any time. Just say the word.”

“No, Dean, I don’t want to stop. Please. I’m slightly nervous, but I’m not afraid. I want this,” Cas assured him with a small smile. When Dean still hesitated, Cas reached down and stroked Dean’s cock with his hand. “ _Please_ , Dean,” he said as Dean gasped and closed his eyes.

The next kiss was deeper, hungrier. Then Dean moved the kiss away from Cas’ mouth and across every inch of his torso instead. He tried to convey everything he was feeling with his hands and mouth as he worshiped the body below him. Cas’ breathy sounds were getting needier by the second, as Dean finally made his way down to capture a hipbone with his lips and tongue and teeth.

“Dean,” Cas gasped out, writhing slightly.

Dean pressed his lips to the juncture of pelvis and thigh, soft curls just barely brushing against his face. He kissed across to the other side, deliberately bypassing Cas’ erection. This time when Cas said his name, it was higher pitched, a reedy and begging sound as Cas’ hiked his left leg up to give Dean access to where Cas wanted him most.

Dean started to ask again if he was sure, but then he glanced up at Cas and saw how flushed and gone he was on sensation. He pressed a kiss just above Cas’ scrotum, on the very base of his cock and Cas twitched and gasped. Dean got lube on his hand as he kissed all around the cock that lay before him, musky and leaking with precome.

He sucked one of Cas’ balls into his mouth as he traced around the rim of Cas’ hole with one slick fingertip. The pleased moan he received from Cas in response was enough incentive to keep going. He slid his wet lips over Cas’ head, continuing to slide his finger around in circles. When he slid his mouth down further, feeling Cas’ hips twitch up in answer, he finally breached Cas’ rim with the tip of the finger.

This time, there seemed to be no reaction from Cas, so he slid his finger further and Cas moaned, writhing even more on the bed. Dean worked him open like that, alternating between concentrating on Cas’ cock and his hole, until he was using three fingers and able to scissor them.

Then, remembering the other part of what he’d read, he experimented with the angle and pressure of his fingers until he found it. The spot that, when he brushed it, caused Cas to arch his back and suck in a breath so hard Dean knew it must have hurt his throat. Dean did it again and Cas whined through his nose.

Watching Cas fall apart above him, combined with the scent and feel of him, in Dean’s mouth and around his fingers was making his own erection ache almost unbearably. He withdrew his fingers slowly, earning a confused glance from Cas.

“Putting on the condom, Cas. You, uh, you ready?” Dean asked, hesitating once more as he rolled the latex over himself and slicked his whole length liberally with lube.

“I don’t want the condom between us, Dean,” Cas complained. “But yes, I’m more than ready.”

“Sorry, Cas, the condom stays. I’ll, um, I’ll go get tested, though, so we don’t have to use them anymore, okay?” Dean asked as he lined himself up.

Staring down at Cas’ face to search for any signs of fear or hesitation, he saw none. All he could see was trust and love, perhaps even equal to his own, reflected back at him. He kissed Cas deeply as he rolled his hips forward and slid the first inch or two inside him. He stilled as he felt Cas tense beneath.

“You okay?” he whispered. Cas’ face smoothed out and he nodded.

Dean felt him relax all over as they made eye contact. He risked sliding forward a little more. This time, when he tried to pause, Cas thrust up himself, seating Dean further inside him. Dean took that as his cue to keep going. He backed out slightly and slid forward again until he bottomed out inside Cas.

“I love you, Dean,” Cas said when they were flush against each other.

Dean never wanted to be anywhere except buried inside Cas from now on, but after a moment, he had to move. He rocked his hips back and forth, slow and shallow at first, then in longer strokes. Soon, Cas was thrusting up to meet him. They stared into each other’s eyes as they rocked together and Dean had never felt more naked – or more valued.

Cas shifted his leg and changed the angle, evidently, so that Dean’s cock now brushed his prostate on almost every stroke. In no time at all, Cas was panting – and then painting them both in white stripes as he called Dean’s name.

The warmth and scent of Cas’ release on him and the look of pure adoration in his eyes was all it took to release the tightly bound spring of pleasure that had coiled inside Dean’s belly. He came with a shout, followed by a whimper of Cas’ name, as his hips stuttered erratically to an eventual stop.

They both shuddered as Dean pulled out and collapsed to the side, dragging Cas up against him. Their sweaty skin pebbled now that they were no longer creating so much heat. Dean knew they should clean up, but he wanted to lie there for just a little longer. This moment was too precious to break.

He pressed a kiss to Cas’ damp mop of hair and squeezed him tightly for a moment. His breathing and heart rate seemed in no rush to return to normal. Since Cas’ own heart and lungs were galloping the same way, he didn’t feel so bad about it. He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of Cas, shampoo and sweat mixed with the muskier scent of freshly-had sex. He kissed his head again and forced himself to get up.

Cas, half asleep already, made noises of complaint, but Dean just shushed him gently and told him he’d be right back. Now that desire was no longer the most pressing thought, Dean’s mind tried to give over to fear. Cas still had to go back to the village, after all. He might change his mind about staying.

Dean forced himself to shove those thoughts aside as he wet a wash cloth. He had Cas right now and that was what mattered. He just had to give him all the reasons to stay – and none to go. To that end, he cleaned his lover gently, then himself. He walked the rag back to the hamper and then curled back up in bed with Cas, who was still only semi-conscious.

He couldn’t help asking, “Was that okay, Cas?”

Cas stirred and hummed happily, then murmured, “It was amazing, Dean. Wish we hadn’t waited so long.” Dean could feel him smile against Dean’s chest, then he felt it fall. “It was for you, too, right?” Cas asked worriedly, struggling to sit up.

Dean soothed him back down. “Yeah, Cas, it was perfect.”

The smile curved against his chest again and this time Dean smiled, too. Within minutes, both were fast asleep.

Bobby had given Dean the next day off, ostensibly so that he could work on packing up the apartment. Dean had a feeling it was more because Bobby knew Dean would be pretty much useless at work, waiting for Cas to come back. Either way, he was grateful not to have to leave to go to work.  
  
They'd gone to bed early, so they woke early, and they were able to spend time together over a leisurely breakfast. That was a luxury usually reserved for weekends and holidays. They were a little shy together, but that was all right. Dean liked the little smiles they shared when each remembered how they'd spent the evening before.  
  
Cas was sad, but that was to be expected. He was going back to the place he'd spent his whole life, to say goodbye to his people, his family—and he might never see them again if they found out why he wasn't coming back. It was only natural he'd be sad and even a little afraid.  
  
They lingered as long as they could, but eventually it was time for Cas to get ready for the cab that would be coming to take him to the village. Dean pulled him into a hug and Cas nearly stole his breath with how hard he hugged back.  
  
"I love you so much, Dean," he whispered against Dean's neck and Dean could hear the tears choking his voice.  
  
"Hey, hey, Cas, it's all right. Don't cry," he soothed, stroking Cas' back in long slow motions. "It's gonna be fine, man, I promise." He pulled back to search Cas' face. "Look, do you want me to go with you? Or... or do you want to not go back?" Dean knew from what Cas had said that that was a thing some people did after rumspringa. They just never came home.  
  
"No!" Cas said sharply, squaring his shoulders and sniffing. He pulled himself together with some effort. "No," he repeated more quietly. "This is what I have to do and I have to do it on my own."  
  
One more lingering kiss and Cas left to get dressed. Dean put Cas' keychain on Cas' key ring, having been unable to bring himself to give it to him at the party. When Cas came out, Dean handed it to him and Cas' smile was almost too big for his face. He pulled Dean in for another hug and kiss that lasted until the driver blew his horn.  
  
"I love you, Cas. Come back safe, okay?"  
  
Cas said a teary, "I love you, too, Dean," before his emotions overwhelmed him and he pulled Dean into a too tight, too brief hug.  
  
Then he was gone, carrying a small bag with him. Dean watched him from the window and was gratified to see Cas looking up in search of him. He waved down and Cas waved up with a smile. Then he was in the cab and rolling away.

Dean’s morning went by really quickly, once he went to the liquor store and picked up some empty boxes. He had his whole room packed up and ready to go by noon. He left Cas’ room for the time being, but if he was finished with everything else before Cas got back, he thought he might do that, too.

He stopped and had lunch, then packed up all the food from the cabinets, followed by the dishes. When he was done with that, he took a break to call Bobby to finalize a time for him to swing by with the truck to get the first load of stuff. They were planning to move everything except what they’d need for one more night and move that the following day.

“I moved those bunk beds out and put ‘em in the storage building. Took that lumpy old thing Sam’s been sleeping on, too. I figured your bed could go in the bunk bed room and Castiel’s could go in Sam’s, if that’s all right with you?”

Dean started to freak out and get embarrassed, but then he realized that Bobby wouldn’t have moved out the bunk beds or made the suggestion about the mattresses if he wasn’t okay with he and Cas bed-sharing under his roof.

“Yeah, Bobby, that’s great. Uh, thanks,” he said.

“Yep. I ever hear anything out of that bedroom, though, you’re paying for my therapy, kid,” Bobby teased and made Dean groan.

Once he hung up, he started on the living room. The little apartment looked sad without all their things in it, even though the couch and table and a few things were still there. With everything packed up, he suddenly realized how empty it seemed without Cas.

For the first time since he woke up, the doubts started to creep back. Was Cas coming back? He’d acted a little strange that morning, hadn’t he? Dean had put it down to being scared of what he had to do, but maybe it was more than that. Maybe he’d changed his mind again and was too afraid to tell Dean. Maybe he’d wanted to have sex last night because he knew they wouldn‘t get another chance.

He talked himself down and convinced himself he was freaking out over nothing. Cas loved him, loved Gabriel and Sam and Bobby and had decided he belonged here. He would have told Dean if he wasn’t coming back. He wouldn’t just not come back. He wasn’t that guy.

When the living room was finished, he went to the bathroom to pack up and finally into Cas’ room. As he started carefully putting Cas’ things into boxes – much less haphazardly than he’d done his own – he realized how little there was of it. That made the doubts creep back. Was there so little because Cas hadn’t accumulated much? Or because he’d taken a lot with him?

Dean remembered his bag. Had it only been large enough for the few gifts and the plain clothes he wanted to return, like he’d said? Or was it really filled with things Cas would want? Dean continued to pack, but the more he removed evidence of Cas from the room, the easier it was to believe he was gone.

By the time the room was bare, he was completely convinced that, even if Cas had left here with full plans to return, he wasn’t coming back. It seemed perfectly logical to Dean that Cas could return to the village and remember his old life and how much better suited to it he was. What could Dean offer him, anyway? The promise of a farm that Cas had to build himself?

When he finally looked up from his worries, he saw how late it was getting. Even though Sam was only 12, he had a way of steadying Dean and making him feel better. So Dean picked up the phone and called his little brother.

“Hey, Dean! How’s Cas doing? Was it hard saying goodbye?” Sam said over the line before Dean could get out more than a hello.

“He’s, um, he’s not back yet,” Dean explained.

“Oh. Well, I mean it _is_ a four hour round trip, so…”

“He left at 7:30 this morning, though. It’s already almost 4:15. I’m, uh…” He sighed and then forced himself to spit it out. “I’m a little worried that he’s not coming back, Sammy.”

“What? No, Dean. Okay, so he’s been gone a while, but he probably had a lot of things to do there, right? A lot of people to talk to?” Sam theorized.

“Well, he really didn’t have a lot of friends and, as far as I know, he brought most of his stuff with him. Maybe not, though,” Dean said, doubt in his voice.

“You know,” Sam said hesitantly, as if he didn’t really want to make his next statement. “Um, sometimes, when a person comes back to their Amish settlement to tell them they’ve decided to live among the English, they have to go before the church and explain themselves, to see if the church or their family can convince them not to leave.”

Dean shook his head and said, “No. I don’t think so. His community is pretty progressive about that kind of thing.”

Sam sighed. “Ok, well, look, Dean, he said he was coming back and I believe him.”

“No, I hear you on that, but…what if they convinced him to stay? What if he got back and –“

“Dean, I know he’s been gone a long time, but I’m sure he’s got a good reason. He’s coming back, man. It’s Cas. He wouldn’t lie about that,” Sam said with conviction.

Dean hoped his little brother was right, but the closer it got to 5 o’clock, the harder it was to believe it. He had washed every surface that he could and done all the things he could think of to get the place ready for their (his?) exit. He tried to watch television to distract him, but it didn’t work. He stared out the window and watched a storm in the distance for a while.

When he saw it was nearly time for Bobby to be there with the truck, Dean did his best not to start crying. Cas had been gone for nearly eleven hours. That was a long time, wasn’t it? Too long. Dean told himself he had to start considering the possibility that Cas wasn’t coming back. As he remembered Cas crying this morning, Dean could only wonder if it was because Cas knew he was saying goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, how'd that angst get there? Only one chapter remaining!  
> Tell me all about it (or just leave a little emoticon, if you prefer that to ~~non-insulting~~ thoughtful analysis)!  
> As always, I love you little cheerleaders and deep thinkers and typo-pointer-outers and muffin makers and kudos only leavers and silent readers  
> ♥


	18. The storm passes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I treated Dean very poorly,” he confessed.
> 
> “Did you now? And what became of that?” Jacob asked.
> 
> “He treated me poorly in return."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are then. The final chapter. I hope it was worth the wait. I decided I couldn't make you wait any longer, actually. 
> 
>  
> 
> And I did not, as Porcupine Girl suggested, in ~~totally legit~~ unfair defamation of my character, cut the chapters to make the pain worse. I did it in order to not leave the final chapter very short compared to the others. ~~And also maybe to make the pain worse.~~

When Castiel stepped out of the cab at the end of the road, he was shocked to find Jacob Davidson waiting for him in a wagon. He was whittling a piece of wood and only looked up when Cas got close to the wagon.

“Hello, Castiel. Have you made a decision, then?” Jacob’s face was neutral, but Cas could guess what he was thinking.

“I have, Jacob. And I’m here to say goodbye.” He stepped up into the wagon. “But why are you waiting here?”

Jacob gave him a rare smile. “I am pleased to hear of your decision, Castiel, as I think you know. I am here because I knew you would likely be here today, one way or the other.”

“But you’d have no idea what time. I could have been hours yet!” Cas protested.

“I can do my woodcarving as easily here as anywhere else and I’ve nothing else pressing for the day. Besides that, the weather is supposed to turn nasty before too long and I didn’t want you having to walk back in that.” Jacob finally set aside his carving and grabbed the reins.

“I’ve been in touch with Gabriel,” Cas told him quietly as they headed for the village.

“And how is he, your brother? Is he well?”

“He is. He’s happy, I would say. And happy to have me back in his life, as well,” Castiel confessed with a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

“I would expect so, Castiel. Are you prepared for your goodbyes?” Jacob actually spared him a glance then before looking back at the road and the horses.

“I believe I am,” Cas told him. “I am a bit nervous, of course, but I have made my decision.”

“That’s good, Castiel. I believe your guardians will understand, though they will naturally be sad to see you leave us,” Jacob said gently.

“I will be sad to leave them as well, but I feel I must. Not only to be with Dean, but so that I may be wholly myself and not deny the parts of which the church does not approve.”

Jacob surprised Cas again by patting him on the knee. “You are a wiser boy than I was, Castiel. Much wiser. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.”

Cas searched his face, but saw none of the emotion he could hear so clearly in his voice. A stoic face hid a warm heart and Castiel had learned it at the last minute. He debated with himself for a while before he spoke, watching the dark clouds rolling in on the horizon.

“It isn’t too late for you, Jacob. There are no chains binding you here,” he told him softly.

“It is too late for Rufus and I. There is nothing else I would leave for. I’ve been denying myself for too long to worry about continuing to do it.” Jacob, if anything, looked more unemotional than before.

Cas pressed ahead. “But, why is it too late? Rufus’ wife has been dead for over two years now.”

Jacob’s flat expression cracked for the first time and turned to one of shock. “What are you talking about, Castiel? He’d have told me.”

Cas sputtered, shocked himself. “B-but, I know that’s what I heard Bobby say. ‘Rufus lost his wife two years ago this July.’” He waited and then said, “Perhaps I was mistaken, but… no, Jacob, I don’t think I was.”

They were nearing the telephone now. Jacob pulled the wagon over. “Castiel, take the wagon on to your guardians house. I’ll be by to fetch it later. I need to use the phone.”

He was gone without a look back. Cas had only driven the wagon a few times, but luckily the horses were docile despite the weather and gave him no trouble. Soon enough he was pulling up in front of Mam and Pap’s house.

He sat for a moment, looking around. This world had been his home for so long and yet it seemed less real than his life with Dean in the apartment. He thought perhaps he had only been half alive when he’d been here in the village. He took a deep breath and stepped down from the wagon. He secured it to the post and made his way to the door of his former home. He knocked softly, unsure if either of his guardians would be home at all.

To his surprise, both Mam and Pap were there when the door opened. “Castiel!” Mam cried, pulling him into a hug. “It is very good to see you. Are you back to stay with us for good, then?” Something in her face told Cas she didn’t think he was.

He smiled at her apologetically. “No, Mam, I am not. I have come to say goodbye to you both, though I hope you will still welcome me back for visits,” he admitted.

His guardians shared a look, sad smiles passing between them. It was Pap who spoke first. “Of course you will be, Castiel. To be truthful, we have suspected for some time that once you were out among the English, you would choose to stay there.”

Cas was taken aback. “But why? I had always thought I would stay here. I dreaded going into the world! I expected you both to share my surprise, frankly.”

Pap smiled kindly. “Castiel, you never fit in among the plain folk. I do not mean that unkindly, but you know it to be true. There is something… different about you. Something that we suspected the English might be better suited to accommodate.”

For a moment, Cas was afraid they knew that he was a homosexual, but there was no indication that they intended to shun him. He wanted to know for certain, though, so he asked, “What do you mean?”

“Dear, he only means that you have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and a lack of desire for family that sets you apart. It is not a bad thing,” she said, stroking his arm and smiling at him.

“I will miss you both very much,” he told her and found he meant it. “You were always very kind to me and I am grateful. I love you both.”

"And we love you, Castiel. We were never able to have our own children, but we have always felt blessed that the Lord sent you to us." This was from Pap and Cas noted that there were tears in his eyes. He had never guessed at the depth of their affections.  
  
"I-" Castiel began, but he faltered and shook his head, unsure what to say.  
  
"Just be safe out in the world, Castiel. Live a good life and visit us often, will you?" Mam said. She pulled him in for another hug and he returned it tightly.  
  
"I will, Mam. I promise," he said as he was swept into a hug with Pap next.  
  
"We're proud of you, Castiel. And pleased you've learned to make decisions all on your own like this." He stepped back from Cas with a sharp sniff. Mam herself was not even trying to hold back her own tears. "Now, you'd better go around and say goodbye to the others."  
  
As it turned out, however, he did not have to "go around" very far. All but a few of the people he'd worked with or visited over the last year were gathered outside. He learned that Jacob had alerted them to his presence—and his departure. He was surprised by how quickly they'd assembled, but evidently they'd already been together because of the impending storm. It wasn't a common occurrence, so the weather must be particularly bad.  
  
It took him a long time to make his way through the crowd, hugging and accepting advice from those who were unsurprised. From those who felt he should stay, he still received hugs, but in lieu of advice, he got lectures or was led in prayer.  
  
Eventually, the gathering was dispersing while the clouds were drawing closer. Wind whipped Cas hair around his head and thunder rumbled in the distance. Then Jacob was there, admonishing him to hurry to the wagon.  
  
"We need to get you to the phone so you can call for a cab before the -"  
  
Before he could finish, a bright flash of lightning and a deafening crash of thunder struck very nearby. The horses spooked and, if not for Jacob's expert skill, would have bolted across the field, wagon and all. Instead, Jacob managed to steer them toward a nearby barn and forced them inside by getting out of the wagon and pulling them into it. Cas could only sit and watch until the wagon was inside. Before they got the doors closed, rain began to pour down in torrents, so densely they blocked out the trees only 10-15 yards away.  
  
"Castiel, I'm afraid we will have to shelter here for a while. We will get you to the phone as soon as the rain lets up."  
  
Cas lamented having left his cell phone at the apartment. He could have used it to call a taxi. Instead he'd be stuck here for some time yet. He sighed in resignation. Then he remembered the gifts in his bag.

“Jacob, I’ve made you something. I forgot to give Mam and Pap theirs, too. Do you think you could deliver them for me after I’ve gone. I think…saying goodbye again might be too difficult.” He handed Jacob the small figurine. “I know you could do better yourself, but I wanted to make you something as a thank you for all your help. Not just recently, but through the years.”

Jacob took it gingerly. “It’s very well done, Castiel. Why a duck, if I may ask?”

“It reminded me of you. On the surface, they seem so calm and peaceful, but underneath they are working very hard, just to stay afloat.”

Obviously moved, Jacob’s “Thank you, Castiel,” was very gruff. They sat in silence for a few minutes and then he said, “I’m thinking of leaving the village, too.”

Cas perked up at that. “Really? Did you speak with Rufus?”

Jacob nodded. “I did and you were right. His wife did die. He said he sent me a letter, but I never received it.” Jacob looked up toward the darkened eaves. “He said he still loves me and if I’d be willing to leave, he’d have me with him.”

“I almost decided to come back,” Cas admitted.

“Why?”

“Fear,” Castiel said simply. “I saw a documentary – do you know –“ he started to ask, but Jacob’s nod stopped his question. “It was on Amish people like us. They went away for rumspringa and got into relationships and their families found out.” He rubbed his hand against his neck. “It did not end well for them. And watching it didn’t end well for me. I treated Dean very poorly,” he confessed.

“Did you now? And what became of that?” Jacob asked.

“He treated me poorly in return. And then we both realized how badly we’d handled the situation,” Castiel said, remembering those moments when Dean had held him after Starla had gone.

“Is that when you decided to leave here?”

Cas laughed. “No, I’m afraid not. I made him wait another two weeks before I made my decision. I only told him last night, in fact.” He sighed, wishing he was heading back home to Dean already. “Do you know what time it is?”

Jacob pulled an old fob watch from his pocket. “It’s just after noon.” Outside the rain continued to beat mercilessly against the barn and the wind howled around the corners. “Doesn’t sound like it’s going to let up anytime soon. I hope your Dean isn’t going to worry.”

Castiel shook his head. “He wasn’t expecting me at any particular time. How did you know about the storm coming, anyway?”

“I was in town yesterday and heard them predicting it on the radio. They said it was going to be a nasty one and it looks like they were right.” Just then Castiel’s stomach gave a loud growl. “Here, I’ve got my lunch in the wagon. We can split it.”

So over the next half an hour, they shared a large ham sandwich and an apple, which they washed down with a jar of sweet tea. When they were done, the storm showed no signs of waning. Jacob suggested they try to nap and Cas had no objections. They each found some clean hay to use for a mattress and burrowed down under horse blankets that only smelled faintly of their usual wearers.

Cas was nowhere near asleep when they heard another loud thunderclap, slightly further away than the last, but still very close. He jolted upright at the sound, but Jacob told him to be calm. “We’re safe in here, Castiel. Lying on the floor is the least likely place to get struck by lightning,” the older man assured him.

Cas said nothing, just burrowed back under his blanket. This time he put his hands over his ears. When the sound didn’t repeat, he was able to fall asleep after a few minutes. Sometime later he woke up with a stiff neck and an itchy face, but he soon realized the rain had stopped. Jacob was reattaching horses to the wagon.

“Come on,” he said when he saw Castiel was awake. “Let’s get you to the telephone.”

So after they got the barn doors open again, they loaded back into the wagon. Instead of heading toward the phone, though, Jacob led the wagon toward Mam and Pap’s house. When Cas gave him a questioning look, he explained, “I think I might leave with you, Castiel. I will have to come back for my things, but I’d like to see Rufus tonight. I will take their gifts inside so that you don’t have to.”

Cas shook his head. “No, better that I do it in person. Who knows when I will see them again?”

This time the goodbyes were less tearful, but Mam clung to him more. They loved their gifts and were very grateful. He started to leave, but Mam remembered a box of his things she’d forgotten to give him earlier, so he had to wait for her to go and fetch it.

It was nearly 2:30 by the time the phone pole came into view. When he saw it, Castiel’s stomach dropped. One of the loud crashes of thunder had evidently been the noise of a lightning strike hitting the telephone pole and all but destroying it. The phone itself lay melted and useless below the blackened remains.

Jacob frowned. “Nothing for it, then. We’ll have to take the wagon to town and call a taxi from there.”

\-----

Dean was pacing when Bobby called him. “Dean, I don’t think we’re gonna be moving anything tonight. There’s a bad storm moving in and it’s gonna start pouring over where you are any minute. I only just heard the news over the radio or I’d have called sooner.”

Dean looked out the window and saw that the storm he’d seen earlier was now right above him. The sky was dark and the trees he could see were whipping around like crazy. He considered the direction it had come from. Could this be why Cas was late? But why wouldn’t he have called?

“Did you hear me, kid?”

“Yeah, Bobby, sorry. Cas isn’t back yet. I’m kinda worried he got caught in the storm or something,” he lied.

“Oh. Well, let me know when you hear from him, all right? I’ll come over tomorrow and we’ll move the – oh, Rufus is calling, I better take this. I’m sure he’s fine, Dean.” Bobby hung up without saying anything else.

Dean went back to pacing the floor. He started chewing his nail. He hated not knowing if Cas was coming back or what was happening. Now that he could hear thunder and see lightning flashing out he window, he was actually worried about Cas having gotten caught in the storm. That was on top of his existing worry that Cas had just changed his mind.

He was practically hysterical and he couldn’t hold back the scared tears anymore. He wasn’t full-on sobbing, but neither was he calm. Tears streaked down his face and he sniffed as he walked back and forth from the window to the kitchen and back. Then a particularly loud crash of thunder brought darkness with it as the lights in the building went out.

Dean ran to the window, where he could see that other places around the block still had power. He knew he had candles, but he was equally sure he couldn’t find the box with them or his flashlight in the dark. He used the light from his phone to guide him to the couch and he sat down heavily.

Almost immediately, his phone rang again. The display said it was Bobby again and he spoke in a rush. “Dean? Rufus just called. Jacob and Castiel showed up over there just a few minutes ago. Castiel is on his way over there now. He’ll explain everything, all right? I just wanted to let you know.”

“Thanks, Bobby!” Dean said with feeling.

His heart was pounding now. Cas was on his way back. Cas was coming _back_. Inexplicably, his mind wanted to taunt him with all the ways that something could go wrong between Rufus Turner’s house and the apartment. It tried to convince him that Cas would never make it. That he was going to lose Cas like he’d lost his parents.

A knock on the door broke him out of his desperate thoughts and he rushed to the door in the dark, his eyes having started to adjust at last. He threw it open and a very wet and upset-looking Cas stood outside in the hallway.

Dean dragged him into his arms and squeezed. “Cas! I’ve been so worried, man,” he murmured against his neck. “I thought –“ he started, but his voice broke and he sobbed on Cas shoulder for a moment, his emotions getting the better of him at last.

Cas’ arms came up to stroke and soothe. “I’m here, Dean. I’m here. It’s okay. I made it back safe. I came back and I don’t have to leave anymore.”

Dean finally calmed down enough to turn the hug into a kiss, but Cas broke it off far too quickly. “I have to let the driver know I made it up,” he explained as he walked to the window.

He opened it and waved down at the road. As soon as he had it closed, Dean was yanking him into another kiss. This one Cas did not pull out of for a long, long time.

 

\-----

“Come on, Sammy!” Dean called as he put the last box onto Bobby’s truck.

“Coming, Dean!” Sam called from where he’d been playing with Bobby’s new dog. Bobby said he had decided he wanted a watch dog, but Dean suspected he wanted a companion around now that Cas and Dean were moving out.

Dean smiled as his gangly, not-quite-13-year-old brother came around the corner. He’d grown nearly a foot in the past six months and he was nearly as tall as Cas now. He looked over to where Cas and Bobby were coming down the steps with a cooler and a giant thermos.

They all piled in the truck and drove down to where Cas and Dean’s new house was finally finished and furnished. The land wouldn’t be legally in Dean’s name for another 9 months or so, when he turned 18—and not in Cas’ for another 8 months after that—but it was theirs, just the same.

Dean couldn’t help the grin that split his face when the gorgeous farmhouse came into view. He and Cas – with help from Jacob, Sam, Bobby and Rufus – had built it themselves. Cas and Jacob had made most of the furniture, too. It wasn’t quite a farm, not yet, but it would be soon enough. Dean couldn’t wait.

He let Sam and Bobby go on ahead and hung back with Cas. He wrapped his arm around him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “This is all ours, Cas. Can you believe it?”

“The blisters on my hands suggest I should,” Cas teased.

Dean bumped him with his hip. “Yeah, yeah, I got my own blisters. I just mean, you know…A year ago, could you have imagined this?” He stared at the house for a moment before turning his gaze to those deep blue eyes. Eyes that had first captured him nearly 12 months ago to the day.

Cas face lost its teasing smirk. He shook his head. “Never in my wildest dreams, Dean.” He took Dean’s face in both his hands. “But then you are better than any dream I’ve ever had.”

“I love you,” Dean told Cas in a choked voice.

Cas’ smile was radiant. “And I love you.” He kissed Dean firmly on the lips. “Now let’s go show our family our new home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's all done now. It took me many months to write and I finished it over a year ago and have been posting it for more than 3 months. Big chunk of my life went into this little darling. I hope most of you loved Amish!Cas and Teen!Dean as much as I did. They were my very dear companions for a long time and I love them like my own. Console me, darlings, it's over! ♥
> 
> Follow [my author tumblr](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com/) for updates on my next book!

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what do you think? I've missed you darlings. Tell me things. ♥


End file.
